mindfulness – Page 8 – Waiting for the Karma Truck

friendship, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

The Thing About Snow

December 26, 2012December 26, 2012 mimijk

I am not a snow bunny. Never have been. I don’t ski – the mere thought of choosing to go downhill on two highly polished slats of fiberglass prompts paroxysms of vertigo. I had beautiful white ice skates when I was a kid – with blue and white pom-poms. They far exceeded in loveliness the grace with which I used them. I’m clumsy on dry pavement, so you can imagine my impromptu choreography when the weather is inclement. I’m a walking slapstick skit.

But I love the first serious snow of the season. I love how the snow forces commitment. It commits itself to the ground with purpose, hugging the ground as if it will never let it go. It demands that the world be quiet, muting everything but this delicious silence that you can’t help but notice. It reduces the myriad of alternatives and choices that we make throughout the day. Somehow the highest imperative becomes to snuggle in to the moment and let it have its way. Snow gives you permission. To remain mesmerized while looking out the window and forget about how much time has elapsed, to hide under the blanket with a good book, to drink hot chocolate (with three marshmallows). Snow – silently, persistently commits you to a relationship with coziness, arguably a state that we don’t find enough excuses to enjoy.

The first snow. It’s something I can commit to.

discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Bounty

December 24, 2012December 24, 2012 mimijk

‘Make much of something small.

The pouring-out of tea,

a drying flower’s shadow on the wall

from last week’s bouquet.

A fact; it isn’t summer anymore.

Say that December sun

is pitiless, but crystalline

and strikes like a bell.

Say it plays colours like a glockenspiel.

It shows the dust as well,

the elemental sediment

your broom has missed,

and lights upon each grain of sugar spilled

upon the tablecloth, beside

pistachio shells, peel of a clementine.

Slippers and morning paper on the floor,

and wafts of heat from rumbling radiators,

can this be all? No look – here comes the cat,

with one ear inside out.

Make much of something small. — ‘Bounty’ by Robyn Sarah

I receive “The Writer’s Almanac” in my inbox each morning and today’s poem seemed so appropriate as so many enjoy the holidays of the season. I wish you love and hope and laughter, really good hugs, friends and family to share in your delight (and the food – I heard a rumor that if you share it, the calories are also divided amongst all who partake). I wish you time to marvel at the small moments that should never go unnoticed, for they hold truths far larger than we can imagine. I hope you get some drool-y naps in there too, awakened by the sounds of quiet commiseration between loved ones. And of course, I hope you receive all that you wish for, and wish for all that you have.

anxiety, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

Why Ask Why?

December 22, 2012December 22, 2012 mimijk

“Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point. French. Pascal. The heart has its reasons , whereof reason knows nothing.” — Madeline L’Engle

When my sons were little, ‘why’ was their favorite question. You all know the exercise – the repeated inquiry that dissects a question into the most inane and discreet detail; the exchange that lasts longer than one’s patience and ultimately resolves itself once the child loses interest in the game.

But age hasn’t tempered this query for me. I ask ‘why’ all the time – just not necessarily a loud (I say enough things a loud to perpetuate worry in those who hear me). Why do I know there’s wind despite my inability to see it? Why do I persist in my efforts to understand the puzzle of human behavior? And, with all that persistence, why can’t I at least figure out my own? Why do we establish expectations that are constructed as a house of cards? The only difference is that I have now discovered the answer.

Because.

These aren’t the questions for which there are more concrete answers. Reason doesn’t dictate the posing of such questions. Facts don’t satisfactorily assuage either, for these are just the surface results of queries that are too complicated to form in any sensible way.

Why does the heart want what it wants?

Because.

Because within the human condition is faith. Faith explains that which we believe to be true that we can’t see or explain. But we know. We know that there is such a thing as love whether or not our personal histories have experienced it, for our hearts ache for it sight unseen. We know that there are miraculous moments in a day – from the subtle connections that make you feel like someone just read your mind to the complicated ties that allow friends to ‘just know’ when something is up. The brilliance of a cardinal’s color on a leafless tree. Why did that one star begin to twinkle more brightly just as I was thinking of someone who is no longer here? Why? Why does the sunrise evoke promise and the sunset occasionally resemble the saddest colors in the world? Why was I lucky enough to learn that some of the most simple days are the happiest? Why do some people snort when they giggle? (Ok, I threw that one in there just to see if you were still with me).

Because.

And one of the nice things about being older is that you bring all the ages you have already been with you. So you know that ‘because’ can suffice. That there is a place for complex debate and study and philosophizing and a place for simple acceptance on faith. So today I accept the awesomeness of being here without further scrutiny. It just is. And if you are wondering why that in and of itself is ok with me? Because. Have a great day all.

friendship, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, mindfulness, motivation

I Loved The Shoes, But They Didn’t Fit

December 20, 2012December 20, 2012 mimijk

In my other life, I wore heels everyday. Work days, weekends – it mattered little. I also drove a Jeep Cherokee. I loved feeling like I could see things that I would otherwise never notice. I traveled tall. My shoe collection was legendary and even Casual Fridays involved four-inch heels that I would walk in endlessly – back and forth, staircases, multiple floors, the streets of DC and every other city I needed to be in. I was a physical example of over-compensation.

Never mind that my back would curse my name each morning when I got dressed. “Ha” to those who wondered how my stride was even remotely normal and not some mincing step more analogous to those who have had their feet bound. I rarely wear them any more, but believe me, when I do I’m painfully reminded that they don’t fit my life. One of the step-sisters insisting that Cinderella’s glass slipper really did fit.

And this is why I won’t be going back to the barn. As much as I delighted in warming my face against a horse’s flank, found comfort and connection picking dirt out of their hooves, brushing their tails and singing to them. No matter that I felt love for Elmo and developed a woman-to-woman understanding with Valentine. And as much as I enjoyed chatting with my rider yesterday, a young woman with a smile that was bright enough to change the weather – the metaphorical shoes didn’t fit.

Honestly, it’s too fresh to recount. Suffice it to say, I don’t take kindly to being yelled at, belittled or demeaned. I don’t enjoy other people commenting about the unkind nature of any diatribe – especially when it’s directed at me, because I fall silent and don’t commiserate. Let me stress – neither the rider nor the horse were in any jeopardy – this was just about me and the instructor. As plebian as it sounds, I bore the brunt of her irritation and/or she just simply didn’t like me.

If I had a thicker skin, perhaps none of it would matter. If I believed that personal attacks are a profoundly effective way to get someone’s compliance, I might have been fine. Unfortunately, I’ve been there done that, and have a higher expectation of those in charge – regardless of the environment where they bear that mantle. I’ve had my confidence rended and discarded, spent years trying to find those shreds and re-form them into something resembling me. Perhaps that is why I counsel leaders with a conviction that is so fierce. Anyway, let’s just say, the shoes didn’t fit. And that reality hurts.

“If I turn my gaze away from you, dear Earth, please do not feel hurt. I will come back and kiss you again.” — Rumi

None of this has deterred me from my wish to spend my days in a way that substantively helps others and nurtures my soul. Hopefully the equine rescue farm will be better. Some connections to Walter Reed may help me in my hopes to work with wounded warriors. Perhaps I can also figure out what I should do with my blog, as this first year of posting comes to an end.

But right now, I want to turn away from the day. I need to do battle with the self-doubts that are speaking in full-voice about all that I am not. It’s a short-lived pity party I promise – and I hope you don’t mind not being invited – I rarely serve anything, and the conversation is hardly lively.

And yet, before I left I made sure to kiss Elmo and Nyles and Val – give them carrots and whisper in their ears that which I wanted them to know. That they were doing great things, with grace and patience and kindness. And I was so happy that they had come into my life albeit for this short, but meaningful time.

discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Where To Next?

December 18, 2012December 18, 2012 mimijk

“It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening” –Sue Monk Kidd

It is taking more effort than it should to get behind the wheel of the Karma Truck. And yet I also know that there is nothing worse for any piece of machinery than to leave it idle for too long. The same is true of the heart. I haven’t been sleeping well, unable to release this sorrow of incalculable proportion. I admire and envy those who are mobilizing in word and deed to address the gaping hole in the safety net for people with mental health concerns, others who have driven to Newtown with the intent to help however possible, the anonymous individuals who are doing something – anything – to remind us above all else of the power of shared humanity.

The heart forgets little – and perhaps remembers too much. Moments of grief are greeted by past moments of mourning. These thoughts huddle together commiserating, taking up space and time. Demanding their due, yet if unchecked, unbearably relentless and too oppressive to manage. I need to take the keys back and get this motor started.

“If it is true your life flashes before you before you die, then it is also true that life rushes forth when you are ready to start being alive” — Amy Hemple

There are certainly times when we need to crawl inside ourselves and heal. Moments when the most elemental activities seem Sisyphean. And there are times when you have to purposefully pull yourself back into life. I am blessed, I am grateful and I need to come home to that which I know and all that I don’t. I still have tears to shed – I’m clearly not done. The fog that has socked in this region for the last two days is beginning to lift; I saw a couple of stars through the clouds when I was out with the Sirs earlier today. I said a little prayer and breathed deeply. There is something to be said for remembering that there is grace in most things, if one is open to its presence. Perhaps I’ll only make it around the block today, but I’ll surely drive towards the sun.

anxiety, friendship, life lessons, love, mindfulness, parenting

When The Heart Just Hurts

December 15, 2012December 15, 2012 mimijk

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit under an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” — Louise Erdrich

I had different plans for this post – we attended my daughter-in-law’s graduation yesterday, the day before was a banner day at the barn. I can’t get there right now. My heart returns to the unfathomable shock of yesterday’s disaster in Newtown. I can’t turn away for to do so would diminish the feeling of being inconsolable. I pray that these families tasted abundant sweetness and that they are enveloped in love and support. My tears drip on the keyboard – I can’t write about the loss of life itself…one can plan I suppose, though arguably it is better to hope.

anxiety, discretion, friendship, humor, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, love, management, mindfulness

Tell It To Me Straight

December 13, 2012December 13, 2012 mimijk

Everyone I know insists that they want to hear the truth. I’m not sure everyone I know is being completely honest about this. In fact, I think that most people prefer to hear selective truths. I’ll go so far as to suggest that we all filter certain realities just so we can wrap our heads around their implications.

– I believe that my bathroom scale is digitally confused and vindictive – swinging wildly between two weights – one I can live with, the other requiring that I eschew food for the next year.

– I believe we’re all a little neurotic.

– I believe that I’m really not getting shorter, rather the units of measurement have changed since I was a young girl and no one told me.

– I believe that the answers to global warming, cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and world peace are moment’s away from being discovered. And by this I mean, short moments.

– I believe in miracles. It all depends on your definition of ‘miracles’.

– I believe that continuing to nest even after your kids have grown, married and established homes of their own, is absolutely fine.

– I believe it’s still ok to keep a pair of sneakers in the garage even though I’ve been married for decades and adore my husband.

– And I absolutely believe it’s ok to cry at Hallmark commercials.

On a more serious note, my reality includes the belief that every dog has its day – and I’m not talking about canines here. Somewhere along the way, people who intentionally demean or devalue others will be subject to a painful lesson or two. Whether they get anything out of it or not, is something else entirely. Given that this reality developed early in my professional career (perhaps as a way of dealing with a perverted boss who routinely made sexual overtures, comments, etc), I encourage leaders to read this as a cautionary reminder. If you surround yourself with people who tell you only what you want to hear, and not what you should hear, and agree to follow directives that are questionable and potentially ill-conceived, you will become a person that even you would not want to follow. If you can’t effectively develop your people, you’re not a leader. And of course when the day comes when you realize that people are following you because they are paid a lot of money to do it, you will understand that core values have flown the coop, along with respect, loyalty and collaboration. Yes, I’m still passionate about this. I’ve been in too many conversations with too many people lately who are feeling the effects of uninspired oversight.

I realize I just broke one of my unwritten rules – not to write about leadership or management anymore. My apologies. I guess I believe that reality can be adjusted every once in a while to accommodate that which is scratching at your heart.

And at the end of the day, I believe that there are very few pure truths – though admittedly there are some. What I feel when enveloped in a hug, the way I can make Andy laugh until his stomach hurts, the way the ‘I love you’s’ from my kids can grab me by the throat. The tender velvet of a horse’s nose, the reality that gravity and I are really no longer friends, the magnificence of a cardinal posing in a fir tree.

Regardless of what you choose to accept or deny, I do believe that ultimately life has a way of working itself out. I may not be around to see it, I may not participate in the moment – but believe me – today I choose to accept the reality that everything is going to be just fine.

anxiety, discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, motivation

Sometimes The Lesson Isn’t Yours

December 11, 2012 mimijk

One of my friends is anticipating the publication of her book, “The Poor Man’s Feast”. I don’t have an advance copy, but I have advanced knowledge of the author – I’ve known her since she was one of my campers (the fact that we are now peers seems generationally impossible – and yet…). If you ever need additional delight in your day, check out her blog of the same name.

Lissie’s book is an autobiographical account of her life with family, friends and food. They are inextricably connected and her stories both amuse and intrigue; her recipes (some of which I have tried) are drool-worthy. You would think that she would be reveling in the excitement of this achievement. Certainly those of us who love her are celebrating her success with choruses of encouragement and congratulations. And yet, Lissie has worries that are not hers to own.

Yesterday she wrote me about some recent familial experiences which have prompted anxiety about the anticipated reaction of some of her relatives to her book. Although names have been changed and she has the talent to allow her voice to ring with sincerity and love, she is fretting about some of the less-than-kind comments that have come her way lately from some members of her tribe. I think my response to her was incomplete, despite my efforts to be supportive.

Another friend of mine is trying to find her sea legs after being upended by the tragic impact of Hurricane Sandy. The family business was seriously damaged, requiring too much negotiation through the bureaucratic nightmare that governmental agencies and insurance companies seem to require. Perhaps perseverance is a an unwritten rule prior to receiving relief – they winnow out the weak who give up with resignation and despair. Not Jo – give her a cause and she will rally passionately. Which is all well and good unless your heart feels like it’s being cracked in the process. And though the plant is officially up and running, the residual emotional exhaustion is a toll no one should have to pay. You’d think high premiums and ridiculous deductibles would be enough, wouldn’t you?

And another friend who is self-employed, ponders daily about what she should be doing or could be doing to bring in more business. How to effect a paradigm shift in companies who are holding onto stasis as a dog might covet a bone. As she expends hour upon hour considering alternative and creative ways of changing mind-sets, she ends up questioning herself and works hard to avoid the temptation of an abyss of self-doubt.

What do these situations all have in common (other than my incredible love and respect for these women)? The search for meaning. The gnawing, relentless question of how to contort one’s self to fit into a current reality. But what if these aren’t questions for us? Perhaps these aren’t our lessons to learn, rather the lessons for those around us. What if this is a lesson for Lissie’s family – to learn (or not) the ways we love and accept and delight in another’s gifts? For others to learn the adverse impact that a non-stop revolving door has on customers who have placed their trust in your promised services? And a company to learn that nothing from nothing really does leave nothing, and in order to thrive you have to change that which is obsolete and ineffective?

Sounds simple, but on a very fundamental level, I think it’s hard to grasp. We choose to think that every lesson is for our edification. And though I believe that we do ourselves a great injustice when we miss those instructive moments, I think we do ourselves an equally profound disservice by thinking that each life lesson is somehow karmically presented for us. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; sometimes an ‘a ha’ moment is designed for someone else and we are just bit players in their story.

Perhaps I write this because I so want my friends to be happy. Because I think each of these women is so phenomenal and loving and talented and smart that nothing but joy should govern their days. Maybe though it is a message for us all – the sacrilege of stating that not all of the universe’s intent is for our benefit. And in those moments, when we accept with humility that it is about others, we can offer the greatest example of what we have already learned – to love.

anxiety, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness, motivation

Have I Said Thank You Lately?

December 9, 2012December 9, 2012 mimijk

I want to thank David @ davidkanigan.com (Lead.Learn.Live), Renee @ positiveboomer.net and Ivon @ ivonprefontaine.wordpress.com (Teacher As Transformer) for according me the Blog of 2012 award.

David wrote me this morning and suggested I read the rules, because I wanted to nominate him. Apparently I can’t do that. This is yet another clue to my personality – I live within the spirit and intent of the law, though I can’t confirm that I always follow it to the letter. Call it petulance, a throwback to my pseudo-hippie years, or just a desire to expand the lovely opportunities in the day as widely as possible.

This is my way of telling you that I am bending the rules slightly, and I hope you’re all cool with that. In January, I will write a post about how I have been impacted by a year’s worth of experience in this community. For now though I’d like to just quickly mention that it has given far more to me than I have arguably given. Were it not for David and Lori (donnaanddiablo@wordpress.com), I would probably have not continued. I’m not in their league – I know it and I’m ok with it too. I’m not a writer, I will never publish…I’m just a woman trying to figure stuff out. David and Lori, in their personal and unique ways have somehow managed to keep me going each time I wanted to stop. I’m not kidding you – each time. Call it karmic connection, intuitiveness, generosity of spirit – it nonetheless continues to amaze and humble me. Perhaps we truly are connected by some thin red thread that quivers every time one feels like falling.

To me, this award is for those who have such talent, perspective, humor, aesthetic sensitivity, etc that I return to their blogs with eagerness and curiosity. What is Anake going to show me today, what pearls will Susan string together while forming her poetic necklace, has Bonnie been prompted by some life experience that resulted in a posting both thoughtful and intuitive? How will Misifusa lift me up today? Will I feel the need to opine about John’s perspective on leadership? You catch my drift. There is so much talent out there, I’m still a neophyte. At best I am a wondering soul with a decent vocabulary.

So without further comment, I nominate the following people for this award. They inspire, amuse, delight, challenge and do so with such consistency that they truly are the bloggers of 2012. The bad news, which I am fretting over, is that I’m sure I’m going to miss someone who I admire equally. I am hopeful you know that this is an error of oversight, not intention.

Cathy @ largeself.wordpress.com

John @ johnrchildress.com

Misifusa@wordpress.com

Paula @ stuffitellmysister.wordpress.com

Kristin @ letlifeinpractices.com

Bonnie @ paperkeeper.wordpress.com

Anake @ anakegoodal.com

Laurie @ passionateperformance.om

Deanna @ deannaohara.com (Redemption’s Heart)

Susan @ susandanielseden.wordpress.com

Elizabeth @ almostspring.com

Russ @ russtowne.com (A Grateful Man)

Bill @ drbillwooten.com

There are more…and this is where I am feeling the most anxiety – for I have been more enriched by this august cyber community than I ever could have imagined. I promise you this, I will have the opportunity to acknowledge all of you before the karma truck finally parks.

anxiety, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, motivation

It’s All So Simple – When It Isn’t So Complicated

December 7, 2012December 7, 2012 mimijk

Yesterday was my first experience volunteering with the non-profit Lift Me Up. I got to the barn over an hour before my official ‘start’ time. In part my timing was off because I mis-read the instructions; my subconscious though was clearly insistent on spending some time in the quiet of the morning communing with the horses.

Frenchie knickered when I arrived and was rewarded with a couple of carrots (this is me – of course I had brought carrots along). We nuzzled over the fence for a little while and I was overcome with emotion. Horses are inextricably tied to memories of time spent with my dad – riding with him and/or my sister, lesson after lesson with Mr. Gardner as he scolded me when I missed the lead found in the horse’s hooves (I would be looking at my father – always seeking that goofy smile of his), Gold Nugget (the most beautiful Palomino in the universe). I sat on a fence, feeling the sun greet the morning and watching the horses in their pastures anticipate the arrival of their morning hay. As each bale was dropped I watched them argue and tussle over who had dibs, bucking with the feistiness born of indignation and bluster.

I don’t think there is anything more glorious than an early morning sun, the smell of fresh hay and eavesdropping on conversations between old equine friends. I could have stayed like that all day and felt like I had been given the gift of golden memories and magical mornings combined in a perfect olio.

Ironically, I ended up bringing the largest horse in for the morning’s work. Nyles is a beautiful, mouthy guy, who likes to nibble on your sweatshirt, hair and anything else within touching distance. He’s a big guy and I couldn’t even see the top of the head of the other volunteer who helped me with grooming. So, I sang quietly to Nyles as I tended to him with the requisite different types of combs and brushes. And not to put too fine a point on it – but yes, we kissed. I kissed quite a lot yesterday (and I think I already have a favorite in Elmo, who truly does return the kiss). And all would have been well if I could have just spent the day like this.

“Who are you?”

“No one of consequence.”

“I must know.”

“Get used to disappointment” — William Goldman

The volunteers couldn’t have been more indifferent to me and more importantly to the riders scheduled for therapy. With great discomfort, I introduced myself to everyone, tried to make the requisite small talk and failed miserably. Ok, this experience isn’t about me. I struggled physically with the need to keep my body twisted towards Nyles while consciously maintaining weight on the rider’s leg. A lovely, profoundly challenged man, he shouted with delight while on Nyles’ back, though he was unable to sustain holding the reins or fully balancing himself (it was clear that he was learning more about balance, and with some assistance to dismount, was damn graceful once I was able to move his leg back and over the saddle). He laughed most of the hour and when he would make eye contact with me, he’d also try and lean forward to touch my head.

As we walked, I would talk to the rider and sing to Nyles. Or perhaps it was vice versa. It is no exaggeration when I write that I was the only one who spoke to this lovely man. Or the horse. The volunteers spoke to each other about various aches, pains, marital issues and competed to see who had the most comprehensive knowledge of the barn’s tenants.

When Nyles was done working, we brought him back to pasture. The next hour I spent with another gentleman and Valentine (a horse with a fair amount of gravitas and a limited supply of grace). He was able to hold the reins and balance well, which was a selfish relief, for at this point I was struggling with my own body’s resistance to the efforts from the first session. And my heart was hurt from feeling dismissed by the other volunteers. Believe me, I know this is a function of being new and having tenured people watch as well-intended folks come and go without commitment or comment. It is as reflective of my insecurity as it is their indifference. But I was disappointed for a bit. And worried as I walked into the house looking like a bent, pained old woman. Can I hold up my end of the bargain even with some limitations?

The answer remains unclear. I know I will go back next week and look forward to seeing my equine friends and riders, if not my colleagues. I don’t cave that easily and I have yet to wave the white flag when my body wimps out. So the odds are good it isn’t going to happen this time either. I know the challenges of working in the non-profit world, I just need to find the rhythm so I move with its gait and not against it.

I gave Frenchie a good-bye carrot and nuzzle and headed home, my senses heightened by such a powerful exposure to the morning and my heart a muddle. I’m not buying a new pair of paddock boots just yet, but I’ve already made a note to buy some apples for next week.

discretion, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, motivation

It’s All About Perspective

December 2, 2012December 2, 2012 mimijk

“How many slams in an old screen door?

Depends how loud you shut it.

How many slices in a bread?

Depends how thin you cut it.

How much good inside a day?

Depends how good you live ’em.

How much love inside a friend?

Depends how much you give ’em.” — Shel Silverstein

We can make life so complicated, can’t we? Sometimes it just helps to bring it back to the basics – like breathing. Are our breaths long and full, interrupted with a giggle or even a belly laugh? Or do we tend to breathe in short inhalations and exhalations, anticipating our next moves before completing the steps right in front of us? We know which is better for us, I guess it just depends on how important it is to us.

Today I’m off for my ‘barn’ tour. I am hoping to volunteer with an organization called “Lift Me Up” – their mission involves the use of animal therapy (primarily horses) when working with developmentally challenged children and young adults. It feels like a good fit for me on many levels – having experience with people who have unique needs (I’m not talking about attorneys here) and horses. It’s time to pay a little rent for the gift of being here in the first place – and this is also a way to up my happy quotient.

How hard can it be to embrace your day?

Depends how hard you hug it.

How fully can you live your life?

Depends what you put in it

How much joy can you find in a day

Depends on how you see it.

Have a good day all – find delight.

anxiety, discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

What’s Love Got To Do With It? A lot

November 28, 2012November 28, 2012 mimijk

I want to thank Bill who writes the blog drbillwooten.com for posting a quote this morning which has been echoing in my head –

“In the life of each of us…there is a place remote and islanded, and given to endless regret or secret happiness. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside wakes.” — C.E. Jung

Let me qualify this, before you leap to the notion that I’m advocating a narcissistic approach to life, centered totally on yourself with no consideration given to anyone or anything else. Back it up my friend – let’s slow down and just take a little stroll, ok? There is little risk that any of those who read this are on the cusp of world domination, figuratively speaking (if for some reason you are on the literal cusp of world domination, I think it’s best I don’t know – just remember to please be kind when you assume global power).

I worry about my friends and family the way my Sirs can worry a bone. Archie can spend hours considering a new bone from every angle, holding it tightly in his paws, refusing to consider a walk outside or a diversion of any kind. I get it. And so today I’m writing to all of you who have been on my mind – I love you, but I also need to get some sleep.

You are so incredibly worthy and deserving of all the happiness that you seek. And you’re going to find it. I wish I could tell you that it’s located on aisle six of the supermarket, next to the shaving cream. On sale with no coupon needed. The good news is that the cost isn’t prohibitive. The less-than-good-news is that it’s where we seldom choose to look. Step inside yourself for a minute. What do you see? My hunch is that you see a lot of what you don’t want to look at. So, we shut that door and look outside. And our lives become “if..then” statements. ‘If this person loves me, then I will be happy.’ ‘If I could just get her to do ‘x’, then all would be good’. ‘If I get this promotion, then I’ll be set’. And – what if none of that happens? We push that away. Don’t want to think about it, because we’ve already set the level of expectation.

But where do you come into play? If you spoke to yourself as you would your best friend, looked in the mirror through the eyes of one who loves and cherishes you, gave yourself permission to love yourself with the same passionate devotion with which you approach others – what would you do today? How would you take care of you? Would you let someone you love waste one moment of his/her time on sorrow that is avoidable? Would you ever let someone you adore, cede control of his/her sense of self to anyone? You wouldn’t of course – that’s what makes you such a fantastic friend. Perhaps to everyone except yourself.

I’ve gotten myself so lost at times that it’s taken me years to get back to someone I recognize. It happens. And finding that I detoured and went so far off course that I couldn’t even figure out my true location is not a foreign exercise to me. I’m still learning to give myself a break, nurture the little kid in me, still the voices in my head that continue to insist that they know what I should be doing, when arguably they no longer really know me at all. I look in the mirror and some days I can’t stand what I see. And I have a very strong able-bodied imp that jumps up and down every time I try to give myself an ‘atta girl’.

But – and it’s a big but – I know if I listen for too long, I will go down a path I would rather not travel. I want to love this life enough to feel joy with who I am – choosing to sit here at the round table, with the sun on my back, jazz playing softly in the background, writing to you. I choose to travel inside every once in a while to see how I’m treating myself, and to remember that I’m more ok than I probably think I am. And more importantly, I can’t dismiss my own neurotic idiosyncracies by focusing on everyone and everything except them. They’re as much a part of me as any wonderful qualities I may possess. So be it. I’ve gotta expend a little emotional energy on me. That’s what my best friend would tell me.

My best friend would remind me that in her eyes, I’m wonderful and worthy and important. A best friend would not let me put the onus of my happiness on anyone’s shoulders and would urge me to get happy with me first. Because a friend loves like that. Can you be your own best friend for a little while? Take that tentative walk inside and find all the wonder that is there and try to make peace with what is not – and still love you like crazy?

That is my wish for today – that you see yourself as I do. That you embrace your magical, wonderful, generous, funny, lovable, silly, serious, slightly nutty, ridiculously talented self as I would if you were here.