Where To Next?

“It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening” –Sue Monk Kidd

It is taking more effort than it should to get behind the wheel of the Karma Truck.  And yet I also know that there is nothing worse for any piece of machinery than to leave it idle for too long.  The same is true of the heart.  I haven’t been sleeping well, unable to release this sorrow of incalculable proportion.  I admire and envy those who are mobilizing in word and deed to address the gaping hole in the safety net for people with mental health concerns, others who have driven to Newtown with the intent to help however possible, the anonymous individuals who are doing something – anything – to remind us above all else of the power of shared humanity.

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The heart forgets little – and perhaps remembers too much.  Moments of grief are greeted by past moments of mourning.  These thoughts huddle together commiserating, taking up space and time.  Demanding their due, yet if unchecked, unbearably relentless and too oppressive to manage.  I need to take the keys back and get this motor started.

“If it is true your life flashes before you before you die, then it is also true that life rushes forth when you are ready to start being alive” — Amy Hemple

There are certainly times when we need to crawl inside ourselves and heal.  Moments when the most elemental activities seem Sisyphean.  And there are times when you have to purposefully pull yourself back into life.  I am blessed, I am grateful and I need to come home to that which I know and all that I don’t.  I still have tears to shed – I’m clearly not done.  The fog that has socked in this region for the last two days is beginning to lift; I saw a couple of stars through the clouds when I was out with the Sirs earlier today.  I said a little prayer and breathed deeply.  There is something to be said for remembering that there is grace in most things, if one is open to its presence.  Perhaps I’ll only make it around the block today, but I’ll surely drive towards the sun.

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39 thoughts on “Where To Next?

  1. You manage to capture feelings and thoughts in such a beautiful and unique way…it is a cross between poetry and art. Not sure I have seen anything like it. Special, like you.

    “The heart forgets little – and perhaps remembers too much. Moments of grief are greeted by past moments of mourning. These thoughts huddle together commiserating, taking up space and time. Demanding their due, yet if unchecked, unbearably relentless and too oppressive to manage. I need to take the keys back and get this motor started….Perhaps I’ll only make it around the block today, but I’ll surely drive towards the sun.”

    • I’m so pleased you liked it..I didn’t self-censor very much, this kind of went from my head to my heart to my fingers with no stops in between. I’m also glad there was some calm in there too..I’m trying to get there. 🙂

      • I think you’re smart actually…I have never been one to rubberneck when there’s a car accident on the road – I feel it’s an intrusion of some sort. Similarly some of the images are too intimate – the tragedy in and of itself too intimate. No, not a wimp – just insightful enough to know your limit..

  2. It’s been hard to find the motivation to write something light or funny or silly…we are reminded day and night, not that one needs reminding. Just looking at a Christmas tree sends my head spinning with thoughts of what 26 families are thinking and feeling when they look at theirs. Yet it’s true, life goes on; somewhere, somehow, we all survive and move on. And you are right Mimi, the heart does not forget and may remember too much, but perhaps the remembering keeps the majority from doing or enabling such a horrific thing. I needed to see the Karma Truck start it’s engine…needed to hear the music coming through the window. Buckle up and stay safe, but get a move on…when you get to my exit off 91 N, toot the horn and I’ll put on the coffee…xoxo

  3. Ahh, Mimi, what a lyric, lovely gentle nudge this post provides–to acknowledge our deep sorrow and horror at last week’s events, while still remembering to turn our faces to the sun and be thankful for our many blessings. Not an easy juggling act, to be sure, but your beautiful, perfectly chosen words and gorgeous imagery make it seem possible.

    Shakespeare wrote, “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”. You have done that for all your followers in this poignant post. Thank you…. Xoxoxo, l

    • Thank you thank you…again your words and the quote you provide are like a balm. It isn’t surprising to me that when you write with your gentle hand, it all seems to make more sense to me than when I put it out there. Thank you for being the closure to my parenthetical..xoxo

  4. And I hope that the first person you see with their thumb out, will cause you to stop and I’ll climb on board. We won’t need to exchange words but knowingly smile. We are all still together on this journey and the lesson and task will eventually be clear to all of us; what we are going to be called on to do, that is. It is easier to heal with a friend by your side. I am right here so proud of you for the courage, I know it took, to pick up the keys this morning. Thanks to your navigational skills – I, too, see the sun.
    “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anaïs Nin

  5. I read this early today, and it was with me all day, while out and about, giving me great pause as I navigated the busy streets and stores, trying to keep focused on what is most important during this time. I, as everyone else here, is so glad you got behind the wheel/keys today, your words, your heart help us, me, find a place to just be with all of this sadness. These words in particular resonated deeply:

    Moments of grief are greeted by past moments of mourning. These thoughts huddle together commiserating, taking up space and time. Demanding their due, yet if unchecked, unbearably relentless and too oppressive to manage.

    You are bright sunshine in the midst of clouds and stormy skies. love and xoxo

    • Ah BonBon, I couldn’t have asked to be more despite feeling so to the contrary. I’m pulling myself forward as most of us are, choosing sunlight despite so many shadows, And trying hard to practice as much kindness as I can..I hope wherever you are today it is filled with light and hope and the promise that wounds eventually are covered and bound, even if they never fully leave..xoxox

  6. Very sad events. It is difficult to know how to react when one feels so powerless to bring about change. In both Scotland and in Australia in 1996, after similar incidents, the community brought pressure on the governments to change gun laws and gun deaths have dropped as a resullt since. Here is hoping that President Obama with the community behind him can have the courage to do the same for America.

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