Hi my friend,
The night was sleepless and I’m wide awake…and the co-existence of contradictory realities seems to prevail. I am a contradiction in terms – held together by the small inhalations between words. You’d think that living within duality would at least offer up some deep slumber at the end of a day. Ha.
Here’s one for you – I stopped believing in atheism a long time ago (yes, an oxymoron with a little hint of humor). About the time I stopped writing everything in lower case and pretending that I was a potential hybrid of joni mitchell and e.e. cummings. That said, I still belief in disbelief, if disbelief equals wonder and incredulity and stuff that’s just really hard to believe.
I believe in God. I believe that there is something that I can’t adequately explain and seek daily, even though I know it’s there. We have conversations (ok – I do all the talking, but given my profession and personality, that’s not too common). Perhaps as my sister notes, the older we get, the more comfort we seek – whether it be in a more spiritual grounding, greater connections with others, opening our eyes and arms a bit wider – or all of the above. One’s world may become more circumspect while one’s outlook widens….see what I mean?
I believe in humankind despite our reiterative behaviors of intentional cruelty and deplorable injustice. It exists within the same construct as acts of graciousness and generosity that I witness everyday. I cry over both. And a sunrise can be as comforting as a sunset. Go figure.
So much for the theory that it can be absolutely one thing or another. Life is beautiful and unforgivably ugly. We seek forgiveness when we find it difficult to forgive. We ask for people to be held accountable and shy away from personal responsibility. We’re a funny species – which makes me wonder why we came up with ‘oxymoron’ – it’s not a particularly appealing word.
And yet –
Faith is unassailable. Small wonders are unassailable – the magnificence of a child delighting in the way a flower yields to its touch; the silliness of dancing while taking a walk (me, with my earphones on, and yes, I did make sure there was no one around); those kinds of hugs where you feel completely surrounded by love and warmth; sunlight on spiderwebs…
And somehow it is through that prism that we look everyday – how we hold our days, each other, our lives. Through its angles we are fractured and we are gorgeous, a spectrum of dualities that make no sense and yet belong together. So I repeat, go figure..