Category: music

anxiety, discretion, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music

When There Are No Answers

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“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” — Zora Neale Hurston

It really is a little frustrating to consider how long it’s taking to get back into my groove.  I’m still crazy tired,  remain in stitches (though I’m not laughing), swollen, sore and without the energy to even consider where my get-up-and-go has relocated.  I know it hasn’t even been a week.  I’m petulant.  I don’t care.  This place I’m sitting in feels like really thick  pea soup and I don’t even like pea soup.  At about this point in my kvetching  I begin to talk to myself (needless to say the tone is harsh and very imperious – you don’t argue with a voice like that).  In effect she says, “Will you just knock it the hell off?  So what?  You’re uncomfortable?  Get in line and in the interim, puleeze shut up.”  And I do.

In the span of time that I have assumed the position of a lump, so much has been happening around me that perhaps my absence of movement is by universal design.  Someone’s heart is aching with the uncertainty that comes with self-doubt and fear of loss;  another prepares for a familial re-arrangement that will demand her energy and facility with the emotional bob-and-weave.  One friend works to rebuild her family’s factory post-Sandy, ending each day more exhausted and spent than the day before,  knowing full well that tomorrow the day begins again.  And another story is beginning as an amazing soul works to establish herself in a new position which combines her tremendous talent with her equally impressive sense of aesthetic.  I see a person I care about being forced to consider new employment for reasons which make an ethical retired HR exec break out in hives.  No one is curled up on the couch right now, covered up in the deliciously soft and worn blanket with the embroidered words “just be”.

My friends are caught in various stages of the years that pose the queries.  Some perhaps are closer to answers than others.  And if there is one thing that we all share it is the need to embrace the times when we just don’t know, when the answers are elusive (perhaps because we’re asking the wrong questions),  and the only option available is to keep asking.  Keep being uncomfortable.  Wonder, doubt, assert, withdraw, huddle, hide – and ask.  Now is not the time to stop asking, for closure without answers that feel good in your skin,  is no closure at all.  Learning to love the questions is a little like learning to love being out of balance.  Out of balance means that you can grab for something to keep you from falling without having to hold onto it forever.  Out of balance means that you see the world with the perception needed to focus on one thing – and perhaps seeing it with the most exquisite clarity.  Out of balance means that you are exercising the emotional muscles that have to be toned to keep you upright, albeit shakily.  Love the  questions as much as you seek the answers.  They must be posed – this is their time.

I too am asking questions all the time — from the mundane (why can’t they just find out what is taking up real estate in my jaw) to the more complicated (what is my next dance step?  what music feels right?  what am I waiting for?).  This is the time and I am not shying away from the exercise.  Yes, it makes my heart beat faster, tears fall with a little less censorship and sometimes I’m sure that I am jumping out of my skin.  And then I focus on an enormous blue jay holding a twig of crepe myrtle in its mouth, knowing with certainty he’s off to build a future.  Aren’t we all?

[youtube.com/watch?v=EcH6rHAH43w]
anxiety, discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, motivation, music

So Much Love

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My in-laws celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary yesterday.  What do you say about two people who have successfully navigated the tricky waters of marriage and have spent  far more time together in their union than as single people alone?  My mom used to say you never really understood another couple’s relationship unless you slept under their bed.  I have no intention of crawling under anybody’s bed –  least of all my in-laws.  So, I can tell you what I see.  I see two people with a profound abiding love, who memorized the steps to their dance and have never tired of the music.  I see a man who will go to the ends of the earth for the girl he fell for only yesterday, who protects her with a stoic dignity that requires no bluster or bellow.  You don’t cross Pop when it comes to his wife.  And why would you – seeing and celebrating their love teaches more than most life lessons – and without the pain it usually takes to learn something once and for all.  I’m not going to pretend to understand the chapters of their story, the private moments that define their relationship, the challenges they have faced.  I can marvel and applaud their love, their devotion and their unity.

Next Wednesday I go into the hospital so the surgeon can remove one of these little gremlins that has taken up residence in my jaw.  Though we know it’s benign, we still don’t know what they are, or frankly why the hell they’re there.  All will be well.  I know this – it’s not a Pollyanna thing.  I’m not saying that I have no anxiety – that’s just disingenuous.  But as long as we can keep this to one procedure, I’m good.   I’m good because of my small constellation of friends who have been circling me like the angels that they are.  My friends who don’t ask me to let them know what they can do, they just somehow know what to do.  My daughter-in-law who just checks in with a  concern that leaves me weepy (there’s nothing that can make me weepier than my children).  I’m good because of Andy, though sometimes his sensitivity chip is disengaged.  Because even when he misses the cue, or waits for guidance I can’t provide because I’m groping around in the dark, he really loves me very hard.  And in that way, he’s like his dad.  And in that way, I’m a very lucky woman.

In these chilling days with winds that blow in personal moments of uncertainty, we gravitate to those elements that warm us, anchor us to the ground so that we don’t fly away on the breeze.  I look at my in-laws and know that together they are in the most loving of hands.  I look at my husband and I know I am home.

[youtube.com/watch?v=c4D40r-E7yk]
discretion, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, music

Songs For A Rainy Day

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I’ve been creating a playlist in my head.  I admit, I do weird things in my head.  It’s entertaining though – thinking of  music that is appropriate for today.  So far, I’ve got

Singin’ In The Rain

Stormy

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Hard Rain Gonna Fall

Windy

It’s Rainin’ Men (it’s not really – at least not here)

I Can’t Stand The Rain

Rainy Days And Mondays

Another Grey Morning

And a friend of mine sent this one, which I had never heard before

[youtube.com/watch?v=VuJ9TNg3API]

Okay, now it’s your turn…

discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music, parenting

A Magical Moment

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I hesitated to post this video – primarily because so many people may have viewed it already.  Yet the more who view it the better – for the way it makes you feel your heart beating,  for the glimpse of beauty for which language has yet to adequately evolve, for the chance to feel that you are witnessing a magical moment.  Happy Friday all..

[youtube.com/watch?v=QX-xToQI34I]
inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music

The Perfect October Song

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Arguably not the most original of posts this morning, though the morning is clearly exceptional.  It’s our first emphatically chilly morning, the smell of oak trees pervade the air,  Archie is trying in vain to catch every falling leaf only to be confused by their trajectory and the sheer volume of movement around him (the purpose of being outdoors for his morning ‘business’ is completely forgotten).  Teddy is stopping to smell the mums and I am inspired by the sounds and sights of the morning.  It’s a wonderful day to take a slow walk into life..

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music

Finding Life

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Days

What are days for?

Days are where we live.

They come, they wake us

Time and time over.

They are to be happy in:

Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question

Brings the priest and the doctor

In their long coats

Running over the fields.

(By Philip Larkin)

I got a call from a recruiter this week – a C-level HR position in another global law firm.  We may speak tomorrow.  Whether or not we do is irrelevant.  What matters is why I even entertained the prospect at all.  And I realized it’s because I spent so long making a very comfortable living, I really didn’t know diddly about making my life (sorry for the cliché).  Thoughts about working represent the comfort zone and figuring how to find my best life is a far scarier proposition.  And I don’t do fear – I prefer to think of myself as naively intrepid.  And other than the first shock of the day when I see myself in the mirror, I try to avoid any other activities throughout the day which may inspire my flight or fight response.

And the bottom line is – running away from life by running to work isn’t an answer.  Too many people do it, and I used to gently suggest to them that their effectiveness was impacted when work became their refuge, instead of an end in and of itself.  Guilty as charged.

So what am I doing to inform this new narrative?

I started writing this blog with no idea as to its direction or purpose.  And though I’m still not sure of either, I am sure that it has brought me into the lives of some incredibly generous, talented, gorgeous people around the world.  I have found that there is so much that unites us, I’m continually amazed that there are so many divisions.  I delight in laughing out loud at phenomenal humor from people who are deft at taking themselves lightly, or shaking my head with wonder almost every morning at my pal David’s prolific (and occasionally neurotic) wisdom.  I wait for a word from Simon which always fills my heart, celebrate Rhonda’s life-out-loud voice and hold Lori’s words as close as one would a second skin.  Bonnie and I may live in different time zones but we’re on the same page (though hers is a younger, cooler page without question).  Maureen writes her messages with a gentle hand, and Christine and Tuck’s mama share the unbridled joys of parenting (with the occasional frustration thrown in to comfort those of us with wonderful, albeit imperfect progeny).  Some people grapple with physical challenges – some of which I personally share – and are not hesitating to dance through life.  Russ and Ivon and John and Shimon make me wish I was smarter.  Susan makes me pine to be able to write poetry – all my Dr. Seuss riffs notwithstanding. Keith inspires me to want to walk with a lighter footprint upon the earth.  I could go on and on and on and I mean no offense in omitting any names – I hope you know how incredible I think you are.  You are all a part of this life I’m building.

I’m in better shape than I’ve been in a while, and knock out 110 sit-ups at the gym (with a back support), do pull-ups, weight-lift and bike five miles in seventeen minutes.  May not sound like much to you, but I’m enjoying learning what my body can do.  I’ve taught myself how to knit (badly – but hey, I’m great at scarves), began teaching myself the piano and am reading as many books as I can that don’t have to do with leadership and management.  I stay in touch with those who fill my soul and have learned to let go of those who have no need of me and for whom I arguably have no need.  I still hate the phone.  I learned how to download videos from youtube.  I consult, though not as often as I might like (but then again, I am lousy at self-promotion and don’t imagine that changing).

I sing again – although when no one is home.

I’m still learning how to be the best mom to adults, how to be an in-law who’s never an out-law.  How to love so hard and not squeeze the life out of that love.  I’m learning how to sit outside and not feel that I have to get up and do something.   I dance like a madwoman in the kitchen – and I’m not  half bad.   I sat in Starbucks this morning and listened to an elderly woman talk at length about a friend in the hospital.  I have no idea what her name is, but we hugged each other good bye.  I’m learning how to breathe.  And as I write this, I realize that I am learning that this is how one goes about making a life.

And I feel pretty damned intrepid.

friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music

What Feels Good..

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When I’m at the gym, I listen to my iPod with such intensity that I typically have no clue what is going on around me.  It’s the only way for me to work hard – I need the rhythm.  There are tv screens all over the place – your eyes can’t avoid them (probably a good thing, so you don’t end up staring at other people – that would just be weird for everybody).  So the news is on…I’m reading that the President’s dog needs to go on a diet.  Ok, we’ve had three Portuguese Water dogs, I love the breed, Bo is adorable.  Cute piece.  There was some discussion about who was going to replace Regis Philbin on a morning talk show.  Yawn…Some guy wants to be on a dance show…Prince Harry playing in Vegas…I begin to look down, nodding in time to The Killers.

The screen switched to the in-studio couch and there is a glowing African-American woman sitting there.  She is in cancer remission due to a bone marrow transplant provided by an anonymous donor.  Her smile was wide, her warmth palpable.  In the wings her husband was grinning and taking pictures, her children watching seriously as she anticipated meeting the donor for the first time.  This woman was extraordinary in spirit and determination, yet clearly with a lovely, soft touch.   Finding donors for African-American leukemia patients is particularly difficult, with a smaller percentage of donors, and matches few and far between.  And though she remained hopeful, by the time she received the call that a donor had been found she was exhausted.  Her donor was a 100% match – incredibly rare indeed.  We learn that the donor is a senior in college, and he is then introduced.  A handsome young white guy.  I’m watching, the music in my ears is now Greg Allman’s “I’m No Angel” and tears are streaming down my face.  These two marvelous people, hugging and recognizing the heroic proportions of their story.  He saved her life; she fought to live.  And the words that kept repeating across the bottom of the screen “I love you”  “I love you too”  “I love you”…

This isn’t a pitch to become a bone marrow donor (though I think if you can, it’s a wonderful thing to do).  Nor is it a recommendation for morning television (remember before this story, I was reading a ticker dealing with Bo’s weight, Regis Philbin and a reality dance show – which in and of itself is an oxymoron, but whatever).    What stayed with me was the sheer beauty of two people from different places, of different ethnicity, age, marital status etc, being perfect for each other in the most life affirming way possible.   Put all else aside – the derisiveness of the US political campaign rhetoric, the divisions we create to further our own sense of rightness (or leftness), the preconceived notions we may hold about/against others.  Put it away.  It doesn’t help you or anyone else.  On the contrary, it diminishes the fundamental reason why we’re all here at the same time.  To make one life better maybe?  To love our family and our friends without qualification?  To feel the wonder and power and humility that comes with knowing that each of us can change the course of another person’s life by a word or deed?  I’m done – this is going to become trite and drenched in a syrupy clichéd concoction and that’s the last thing I wish for you to take away from this.  I hope it makes you feel good, and warm, and important to many – even those you may never know.  “And it’s ever present everywhere…”  Enjoy.

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music

Sittin’ Back Sunday

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This weekend has been full of  disconnected moments – and a quick snapshot is all I can offer because each is too big standing on its own.

A dear, special friend returning after a three-year silence, that has been full of so much loss and pain and sorrow it devastates me to think I wasn’t allowed in for all that time.  Yet sitting in the kitchen for hours, we moved so quickly back in time.  Welcome home, I’ve missed you.

Wonderful new friends returning from memories made with their families, ensuring that this too will be a summer remembered.  May those moments be forever etched in your hearts.

Incredible people straddling two chapters in their lives – the one that is about to end and the one that is waiting to be started.  Let it be breathless and gorgeous and all that you deserve.

A young woman celebrating her impending wedding with her amazing stepmother and sisters, and adoring friends – all who love her despite her Bridezilla moments.  Remember to laugh and let go – it’s not about anything if it’s not about love.

The connection between two people that prompts them to check in ‘just because’.  How can anyone begin to understand wavelengths like that?  I am reminded daily that the best things defy explanation.

Too many political diatribes about the senior population defined as anyone “55 or older” – this means I’m a senior.  I reject this completely…well ok…. if I can’t reject it completely, I am now a constituency of one called the ‘junior senior’ cause I’m just not ready for anything else.   Oh – anyone is welcome to join.  I intend to be an old woman some day.

And as the rain begins to pummel the skylights, I think a little easy listening is in order to get all of us ready for whatever tomorrow holds.  Hey big guy, this is for you.