discretion, humor, life lessons, love, motivation

And On Deck…My Husband

It may be winter here in the US, but it’s already baseball season in my husband’s heart.  Truth be told, it’s never not baseball season in Andy’s heart.  He has been a Yankee fan since he was in utero (his mother is an avid fan and I have no doubt he was listening to Yankee games long before he ever greeted the world).  This is no fickle affection – you can say whatever you want about the team many people love to hate – there is no logic to this love, there is no reason to this rhyme.  He is besotted.  Retrospectively, I clearly was a contender for his marital intentions because I’m from New York and as such an unlikely enemy to the team.  I am no longer jealous; I am amused.  I have met my competition and our understanding is mutually acceptable.

yankeeboys03is-1

The Yankees can have him.

Honestly, they can – and they will – starting next Sunday when Andy heads to Yankee Fantasy Camp.  This will be his third trip to sleep-away camp, and the excitement in our house is getting a little out of control.  He’s been hitting the gym with brio, practicing his swing at the batting cages, and yesterday he got a new glove (he will be prepping it appropriately over the next few days).  The Yankee swag is re-appearing as the anticipation of packing begins.  Later this week, I will also make sure he has ice packs, the newest in knee braces and an appropriate complement of ace bandages and Tylenol.

I visited Fantasy Camp last year, met some aging icons of the team – most of whom are bloated, arthritic, charming and well past their prime.  That said, on the last day when the ‘pros’ play the ‘campers’ at Steinbrenner Field, they can still impress.  True, each amateur team only plays two innings against the pros, but that’s still about ten innings for the pros.  David Wells was one of the coaches for Andy’s team – funny guy with a belly that prevents him from seeing his toes anymore – who can still throw heat and intimidate by his sheer size.  He quickly surmised that I was the ‘wiseguy’ in the family, and spoke of my husband as if he was a cute little boy who was giving it his all.  Andy was beaming – and for one moment I thought I was attending a parent/teacher conference.  He also wasn’t alone – all these boys/men gazed upon their idols with a sense of proprietary adoration, each hoped to hear an ‘atta boy’.  By the end of the week they were all thisclose.

There’s lots of bonding that goes on – from comparing pulled muscles and experiences with the trainers to shouting support and butt-patting.  Spitting in the dirt.  It gets a little infectious.  I yelled out “Go Two!” (Andy had chosen the number 2 for his jersey) and as all these men looked over in my direction,  my father-in-law gently pointed out that such encouragement could be directed to half the team, since a lot of them were also thinking of Derek Jeter when they selected their number of choice.  Ok, my bad.  I just thought that shouting “Go honey” was a little lame.

By the end of the week, all of these middle-aged men have lived their most replayed childhood fantasy.  They’re playing with the pros.  In Yankee uniforms, on Yankee turf.  Their names announced over the loudspeaker – not by someone’s dad – but by a legitimate-sounding announcer. It all gets pretty heady I think.  I wonder whether there are emotional group hugs as the buses prepare to head for the airport, with promises to write every day and strains of “See You In September” playing overhead.  I do know that the only pictures on Andy’s Facebook page are of his athletic prowess as a pseudo-Yankee.

At the end of the day, there’s little I enjoy more than seeing my husband and/or kids happy.  That kind of happy that makes you smile from the inside out, prompted by a sensation that is impossible to describe but feels a little like bubbles.  And there is little if anything that makes Andy happier than getting to play ball with icons from his youth.  To hang out with guys who totally ‘get it’ and still have the capacity to delight the kid within.  I hope we’ve all been there and continue to go there whenever possible – I have and I do.  When I screamed “I LOVE YOU JAMES” at the Garden a few years back when James Taylor and Carole King were on their ‘Live At The Troubadour’ tour (I say with all humility that I’m sure he heard me and was looking directly at me while he performed. My row and seat number?  Is that really relevant??).   Or when I pretend I’m Ray Lewis entering a football stadium (it is f-i-e-r-c-e let me tell you) or ‘Vogue’ in the kitchen a la Madonna.  It just kind of bubbles up inside and you have to just play.

So, put him in Coach – he’s beyond ready.

youtube.com/watch?v=a0R5orBZis8

discretion, friendship, humor, life lessons, love, mindfulness, music

The Magic Of This Moment

Image

I’m easily amazed.  Others who know me might suggest that I’m ridiculously gullible (my beloved comes to mind).  When I was little, I would watch my dad pull grapes from my friends’ ears, I believed in Tinkerbell with unshakeable conviction and I knew with certainty that when I went to sleep each night, my toys came to life and had a party.  As I write this, I’m not exactly sure that the last sentence should be written in the past tense.  I’ve not changed much.

I don’t define magic as the mastery of optical illusion, the sleight of hand that can be explained by a slo-mo instant replay.  Magic is bigger than that.  Magic belongs up there with miracles, faith, love…Magic is what allows you to see two cardinals playing tag even though your heart is breaking.  Magic is the sound of a baby’s belly laugh.  Magic is in music that can lift you up and carry you to places you didn’t even know you could create.  There’s magic in the silence of the early hours of morning.  Like no other silence, it is protective and intimate and comforting.

Though I’m no magician, there is a spell that has been woven between us  that draws me to this connection time and time again.  I can’t explain how these friendships have formed, why these conversations are often more enriching than those that occur in face-to-face dialogue.  I leave it to magic – for magic allows for that which should remain inexplicable, fantastic.

How do I define the child that dances in my soul and escapes so I can play air guitar in the kitchen (I am really good at this by the way), use my brush as a microphone and turn my bathroom into a concert venue?  Magic.  Because Dahl was right – there is truly something magical to be felt in each moment that is heeded.  Each connection holds a bit of wonder that defies logic.  So, today I hope you suspend logic for a little while.  Catch a ray of sunshine and hold it close for minute.  Feel the magic.

anxiety, discretion, friendship, humor, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Testing The Waters

IMG_0032
The Sirs…my fur-kids.  They look adorable do they not?  Sweet and docile, playful and affectionate.  I love them, spoil them and they reciprocate in dog-kind.  Wherever I go, there they are.  As I write this, Teddy is sharing my chair, fast asleep despite the fact that half of my body is no longer on the seat.  It’s ok – he’s comfortable and I think it’s cute.  Archie is snoring with his head on my left foot.  True, my foot fell asleep about twenty minutes ago, but why disturb him?  In my efforts to live in the moment, this is one of those times when my attention is drawn to the comfort of their presence, the clickety-clack my nails make on the keyboard, the hum of the dishwasher.  It’s all good..

Without defining it as a New Year’s resolution per se, I have decided that I need to be more conscious of being in the moment.  Anticipating the future and re-assessing the past are exercises in mental frustration, and frankly leave no part of me more firm and toned as a result.  ‘Shoulds’ and ‘coulds’ permeate my internal running monologue, punctuated with “what were you thinking?”, “what are you going to say?”, “are you crazy-stupid or just crazy?”.  The absolute, breath-taking awesomeness arrives when I invite myself to shut up and just notice the moment in which I find myself.  And on the rare occasions when I do, I feel really, really good.  So I’m trying – which includes those times when trying just doesn’t work…

I usually bring the dogs into the bedroom when I take a shower.  Archie comes into the bathroom and wedges himself between the toilet and the wall (don’t ask me why for it involves a lot of grunting and contorting on his part) and sleeps, well, like a dog – from the moment the shower spray is turned on through all other activities until the moment when the hair dryer is turned off.  Sir Theodore sleeps on the bed (I usually put cnbc on for him, for it could put the most alert being to sleep after a while).  Such machinations buy me peace, for if Sir Archibald is in repose, he does not see the leaf blowing by the window which elicits excited, contagious barks.  Ted starts barking too (though he doesn’t know why).  Typically they’re not big barkers – but when they see something that has the potential to be transportive, forget it.  We’ve got a cacophony of headache-inducing proportion.

But yesterday was such a quiet day, and I was feeling so out of sorts (have you ever wondered what ‘in sorts’ means?  Sorry, there I go again), I just turned the shower  handle all the way to ‘hot’ and waited for the heat and steam to ease the chills that were alternately visiting my body after the dripping sweat cooled on my skin.  “A perfect moment”, I thought to myself.  “Just take in this delicious sensory experience, the feel of the water on your skin” (hot enough to feel like pin pricks but not so hot to be considered pin pricks of torture), “even if you can’t smell your shampoo, enjoy the luxurious lather on your hair – go ahead and make a mohawk”…I was getting as into the moment as a flu-infected person could.  I even began to sing “Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I Do”.  The acoustics are fantastic.

singing in shower

And then all hell broke loose.

Archie fought his way out from his self-imposed wedge and charged downstairs barking as if he was the welcome committee for the Martians who just happened to pull into the driveway.  Teddy, less intrepid but definitely supportive of his buddy, began jumping all over the bed (after all, it is far safer to bark from a reasonable distance until you determine if whatever-it-is is friend or foe).  To paraphrase a different song – I had let the dogs out.

“Let it go Mimi, be in the moment”, I insisted.  Archie was bordering on the apoplectic – whatever was there, it was big.  In response, I opened my eyes just as a cascade of shampoo fell into my eyes. Teddy came running into the bathroom insisting that without my intervention the world as we know it would cease.  “Breathe deep..if this was Andy he wouldn’t even notice – take your time.”  My heart began to beat more quickly.  I began racing to rinse my hair (an impossible task), scrape the razor across my knees (don’t try this) and complete this soothing experience which had quickly turned into a clip from a Three Stooges movie.  With blood dripping from my leg, eyes abraded from shampoo and a chorus of enthusiastic barks telling me to hurry up, I grabbed my robe and tore downstairs leaving a trail that would make it easy for CSI to figure out what happened when they ultimately found me sprawled at the bottom of the stairs.

UPS delivered a pair of sneakers.  The box was left in the garage.

Of course, the boys settled down as soon as I retrieved the package.  They resumed their original positions and were blissfully dreaming in puppyland before I pulled myself back upstairs.  “Ah Grasshopper”, I thought, “You blew this big time”.

So the universe brought me a lesson along with my new sneakers.  Keep the canine distractions locked in the room with me?  Well, duh.  But more importantly, if you really want to be in the moment you have to work at it.  You have to keep your eyes closed when shampooing your hair (which is another way of saying that a moment is best savored when you don’t disturb it). And you really do have to acknowledge that serendipity, UPS delivery people and happenstance can test your best efforts.  Don’t let it deter you – give the present it’s due and if you get distracted, you might as well laugh and try again.

 

 

 

discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Bounty

‘Make much of something small.

The pouring-out of tea,

a drying flower’s shadow on the wall

from last week’s bouquet.

A fact; it isn’t summer anymore.

Say that December sun

is pitiless, but crystalline

and strikes like a bell.

Say it plays colours like a glockenspiel.

It shows the dust as well,

the elemental sediment

your broom has missed,

and lights upon each grain of sugar spilled

upon the tablecloth, beside

pistachio shells, peel of a clementine.

Slippers and morning paper on the floor,

and wafts of heat from rumbling radiators,

can this be all?  No look – here comes the cat,

with one ear inside out.

Make much of something small.  — ‘Bounty’ by Robyn Sarah

I receive “The Writer’s Almanac” in my inbox each morning and today’s poem seemed so appropriate as so many enjoy the holidays of the season.  I wish you love and hope and laughter, really good hugs, friends and family to share in your delight (and the food – I heard a rumor that if you share it, the calories are also divided amongst all who partake).  I wish you time to marvel at the small moments that should never go unnoticed, for they hold truths far larger than we can imagine.  I hope you get some drool-y naps in there too, awakened by the sounds of quiet commiseration between loved ones.  And of course, I hope you receive all that you wish for, and wish for all that you have.

140315344611256030_G6ffbh5g_f

discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Where To Next?

“It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening” –Sue Monk Kidd

It is taking more effort than it should to get behind the wheel of the Karma Truck.  And yet I also know that there is nothing worse for any piece of machinery than to leave it idle for too long.  The same is true of the heart.  I haven’t been sleeping well, unable to release this sorrow of incalculable proportion.  I admire and envy those who are mobilizing in word and deed to address the gaping hole in the safety net for people with mental health concerns, others who have driven to Newtown with the intent to help however possible, the anonymous individuals who are doing something – anything – to remind us above all else of the power of shared humanity.

614715_348313475246259_1926876193_o

The heart forgets little – and perhaps remembers too much.  Moments of grief are greeted by past moments of mourning.  These thoughts huddle together commiserating, taking up space and time.  Demanding their due, yet if unchecked, unbearably relentless and too oppressive to manage.  I need to take the keys back and get this motor started.

“If it is true your life flashes before you before you die, then it is also true that life rushes forth when you are ready to start being alive” — Amy Hemple

There are certainly times when we need to crawl inside ourselves and heal.  Moments when the most elemental activities seem Sisyphean.  And there are times when you have to purposefully pull yourself back into life.  I am blessed, I am grateful and I need to come home to that which I know and all that I don’t.  I still have tears to shed – I’m clearly not done.  The fog that has socked in this region for the last two days is beginning to lift; I saw a couple of stars through the clouds when I was out with the Sirs earlier today.  I said a little prayer and breathed deeply.  There is something to be said for remembering that there is grace in most things, if one is open to its presence.  Perhaps I’ll only make it around the block today, but I’ll surely drive towards the sun.

45739752435516284_cej9fyl0_f.jpg

anxiety, discretion, friendship, humor, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, love, management, mindfulness

Tell It To Me Straight

248331366923238052_jpHEv0sP_cEveryone I know insists that they want to hear the truth.  I’m not sure everyone I know is being completely honest about this.  In fact, I think that most people prefer to hear selective truths.  I’ll go so far as to suggest that we all filter certain realities just so we can wrap our heads around their implications.

– I believe that my bathroom scale is digitally confused and vindictive – swinging wildly between two weights – one I can live with, the other requiring that I eschew food for the next year.

– I believe we’re all a little neurotic.

– I believe that I’m really not getting shorter, rather the units of measurement have changed since I was a young girl and no one told me.

– I believe that the answers to global warming, cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and world peace are moment’s away from being discovered.  And by this I mean, short moments.

– I believe in miracles.  It all depends on your definition of ‘miracles’.

– I believe that continuing to nest even after your kids have grown, married and established homes of their own, is absolutely fine.

– I believe it’s still ok to keep a pair of sneakers in the garage even though I’ve been married for decades and adore my husband.

– And I absolutely believe it’s ok to cry at Hallmark commercials.

On a more serious note, my reality includes the belief  that every dog has its day – and I’m not talking about canines here.  Somewhere along the way, people who intentionally demean or devalue others will be subject to a painful lesson or two.  Whether they get anything out of it or not, is something else entirely.  Given that this reality developed early in my professional career (perhaps as a way of dealing with a perverted boss who routinely made sexual overtures, comments, etc),  I encourage leaders to read this as a cautionary reminder.  If you surround yourself with people who tell you only what you want to hear, and not what you should hear, and agree to follow directives that are questionable and potentially ill-conceived, you will become a person that even you would not want to follow.  If you can’t effectively develop your people, you’re not a leader.  And of course when the day comes when you realize that people are following you because they are paid a lot of money to do it, you will understand that core values have flown the coop, along with respect, loyalty and collaboration.  Yes, I’m still passionate about this.  I’ve been in too many conversations with too many people lately who are feeling the effects of uninspired  oversight.

I realize I just broke one of my unwritten rules – not to write about leadership or management anymore.  My apologies.  I guess I believe that reality can be adjusted every once in a while to accommodate that which is scratching at your heart.

And at the end of the day, I believe that there are very few pure truths – though admittedly there are some.  What I feel when enveloped in a hug, the way I can make Andy laugh until his stomach hurts, the way the ‘I love you’s’ from my kids can grab me by the throat.  The tender velvet of a horse’s nose, the reality that gravity and I are really no longer friends, the magnificence of a cardinal posing in a fir tree.

Regardless of what you choose to accept or deny, I do believe that ultimately life has a way of working itself out.  I may not be around to see it, I may not participate in the moment – but believe me – today I choose to accept the reality that everything is going to be just fine.

IMG_0042

anxiety, discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, motivation

Sometimes The Lesson Isn’t Yours

One of my friends is anticipating the publication of her book, “The Poor Man’s Feast”.  I don’t have an advance copy, but I have advanced knowledge of the author – I’ve known her since she was one of my campers (the fact that we are now peers seems generationally impossible – and yet…).  If you ever need additional delight in your day, check out her blog of the same name.

Lissie’s book is an autobiographical account of her life with family, friends and food.  They are inextricably connected and her stories both amuse and intrigue; her recipes (some of which I have tried) are drool-worthy.  You would think that she would be reveling in the excitement of this achievement.  Certainly those of us who love her are celebrating her success with choruses of encouragement and congratulations.  And yet, Lissie has worries that are not hers to own.

Yesterday she wrote me about some recent familial experiences which have prompted anxiety about the anticipated reaction of some of her relatives to her book.  Although names have been changed and she has the talent to allow her voice to ring with sincerity and love, she is fretting about some of the less-than-kind comments that have come her way lately from some members of her tribe.  I think my response to her was incomplete, despite my efforts to be supportive.

Another friend of mine is trying to find her sea legs after being upended by the tragic impact of Hurricane Sandy.  The family business was seriously damaged, requiring too much negotiation through the bureaucratic nightmare that governmental agencies and insurance companies seem to require.  Perhaps perseverance is a an unwritten rule prior to receiving relief – they winnow out the weak who give up with resignation and despair.  Not Jo – give her a cause and she will rally passionately.  Which is all well and good unless your heart feels like it’s being cracked in the process.  And though the plant is officially up and running, the residual emotional exhaustion is a toll no one should have to pay.  You’d think high premiums and ridiculous deductibles would be enough, wouldn’t you?

And another friend who is self-employed, ponders daily about what she should be doing or could be doing to bring in more business.  How to effect a paradigm shift in companies who are holding onto stasis as a dog might covet a bone.  As she expends hour upon hour considering alternative and creative ways of changing mind-sets, she ends up questioning herself and works hard to avoid the temptation of an abyss of self-doubt.

What do these situations all have in common (other than my incredible love and respect for these women)?  The search for meaning.  The gnawing, relentless question of how to contort one’s self to fit into a current reality.  But what if these aren’t questions for us?  Perhaps these aren’t our lessons to learn, rather the lessons for those around us.  What if this is a lesson for Lissie’s family – to learn (or not) the ways we love and accept and delight in another’s gifts?  For others to learn the adverse impact that a non-stop revolving door has on customers who have placed their trust in your promised services?  And a company to learn that nothing from nothing really does leave nothing, and in order to thrive you have to change that which is obsolete and ineffective?

Sounds simple, but on a very fundamental level, I think it’s hard to grasp.  We choose to think that every lesson is for our edification.  And though I believe that we do ourselves a great injustice when we miss those instructive moments, I think we do ourselves an equally profound disservice by thinking that each life lesson is somehow karmically presented for us.  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; sometimes an ‘a ha’ moment is designed for someone else and we are just bit players in their story.

Perhaps I write this because I so want my friends to be happy.  Because I think each of these women is so phenomenal and loving and talented and smart that nothing but joy should govern their days.  Maybe though it is a message for us all – the sacrilege of stating that not all of the universe’s intent is for our benefit.  And in those moments, when we accept with humility that it is about others, we can offer the greatest example of what we have already learned – to love.

526275_332238653516256_145479798858810_64322371_336596499_n

discretion, friendship, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, love, motivation

An Oldie But A Goodie

“1.  Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2.  Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3.  Name the last five winners of Miss America.

4.  Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5.  Name the last half-dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6.  Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners,

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.  These are no second-rate achievers.  They are the best in their fields.  But the applause dies.  Awards tarnish.  Achievements are forgotten.  Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz.  See how you do on this one:

1.  List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2.  Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3.  Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4.  Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5.  Think of five people  you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money or the most awards.  They are the ones who care.” — Charles Shultz

153544668516220594_oLQVF0Sf_f

Enough said.

 

discretion, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, motivation

It’s All About Perspective

“How many slams in an old screen door?

Depends how loud you shut it.

How many slices in a bread?

Depends how thin you cut it.

How much good inside a day?

Depends how good you live ’em.

How much love inside a friend?

Depends how much you give ’em.” — Shel Silverstein

19351473368946378_i3l3zkld_b

We can make life so complicated, can’t we?  Sometimes it just helps to bring it back to the basics – like breathing.  Are our breaths long and full, interrupted with a giggle or even a belly laugh?  Or do we tend to breathe in short inhalations and exhalations, anticipating our next moves before completing the steps right in front of us?  We know which is better for us, I guess it just depends on how important it is to us.

Today I’m off for my ‘barn’ tour.  I am hoping to volunteer with an organization called “Lift Me Up” – their mission involves the use of animal therapy (primarily horses) when working with developmentally challenged children and young adults.  It feels like a good fit for me on many levels – having experience with people who have unique needs (I’m not talking about attorneys here) and horses.  It’s time to pay a little rent for the gift of being here in the first place – and this is also a way to up my happy quotient.

How hard can it be to embrace your day?

Depends how hard you hug it.

How fully can you live your life?

Depends what you put in it

How much joy can you find in a day

Depends on how you see it.

Have a good day all – find delight.

118852877636848675_OnLSSObG_b

anxiety, discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

What’s Love Got To Do With It? A lot

I want to thank Bill who writes the blog drbillwooten.com  for posting a quote this morning which has been echoing in my head –

“In the life of each of us…there is a place remote and islanded, and given to endless regret or secret happiness.  Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside wakes.” — C.E. Jung

Let me qualify this, before you leap to the notion that I’m advocating a narcissistic approach to life, centered totally on yourself with no consideration given to anyone or anything else.  Back it up my friend – let’s slow down and just take a little stroll, ok?  There is little risk that any of those who read this are on the cusp of world domination, figuratively speaking (if for some reason you are on the literal cusp of world domination,  I think it’s best I don’t know – just remember to please be kind when you assume global power).

I worry about my friends and family the way my Sirs can worry a bone.  Archie can spend hours considering a new bone from every angle, holding it tightly in his paws, refusing to consider a walk outside or a diversion of any kind.  I get it.  And so today I’m writing to all of you who have been on my mind – I love you, but I also need to get some sleep.

You are so incredibly worthy and deserving of all the happiness that you seek.  And you’re going to find it.  I wish I could tell you that it’s located on aisle six of the supermarket, next to the shaving cream.  On sale with no coupon needed.  The good news is that the cost isn’t prohibitive. The less-than-good-news is that it’s where we seldom choose to look.  Step inside yourself for a minute.  What do you see?  My hunch is that you see a lot of what you don’t want to look at.  So, we shut that door and look outside.  And our lives become “if..then” statements. ‘If this person loves me, then I will be happy.’  ‘If I could just get her to do ‘x’, then all would be good’.  ‘If I get this promotion, then I’ll be set’.  And – what if none of that happens?  We push that away.  Don’t want to think about it, because we’ve already set the level of expectation.

But where do you come into play?  If you spoke to yourself as you would your best friend, looked in the mirror through the eyes of one who loves and cherishes you, gave yourself permission to love yourself with the same passionate devotion with which you approach others – what would you do today?  How would you take care of you?  Would you let someone you love waste one moment of his/her time on sorrow that is avoidable?  Would you ever let someone you adore, cede control of his/her sense of self to anyone?  You wouldn’t of course – that’s what makes you such a fantastic friend.  Perhaps to everyone except yourself.

I’ve gotten myself so lost at times that it’s taken me years to get back to someone I recognize.  It happens.  And finding that I detoured and went so far off course that I couldn’t even figure out my true location is not a foreign exercise to me.  I’m still learning to give myself a break, nurture the little kid in me, still the voices in my head that continue to insist that they know what I should be doing, when arguably they no longer really know me at all.  I look in the mirror and some days I can’t stand what I see.  And I have a very strong able-bodied imp that jumps up and down every time I try to give myself an ‘atta girl’.

But – and it’s a big but – I know if I listen for too long, I will go down a path I would rather not travel.  I want to love this life enough to feel joy with who I am – choosing to sit here at the round table, with the sun on my back, jazz playing softly in the background, writing to you.  I choose to travel inside every once in a while to see how I’m treating myself, and to remember that I’m more ok than I probably think I am.  And more importantly, I can’t dismiss my own neurotic idiosyncracies by focusing on everyone and everything except them.  They’re as much a part of me as any wonderful qualities I may possess.  So be it.  I’ve gotta expend a little emotional energy on me.  That’s what my best friend would tell me.

My best friend would remind me that in her eyes, I’m wonderful and worthy and important. A best friend would not let me put the onus of my happiness on anyone’s shoulders and would urge me to get happy with me first.  Because a friend loves like that.  Can you be your own best friend for a little while?  Take that tentative walk inside and find all the wonder that is there and try to make peace with what is not – and still love you like crazy?

That is my wish for today – that you see yourself as I do.  That you embrace your magical, wonderful, generous, funny, lovable, silly, serious, slightly nutty, ridiculously talented self as I would if you were here.

anxiety, discretion, friendship, humor, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Over-thinking And Missing The Point

See High Above – Marlena Morling

You step outside

into the early morning

in autumn –

 

And at the exact same instant

a scrap of paper

floats over –

 

High in the blue

blustery library

of the air –

 

You look up

and you see it rushing

and lifting

 

even higher

into the transparent layers

of the sky –

 

And at once,

you know

it is a message –

 

A message

that there is no message.

The scrap of paper

 

is just a scrap of paper!

It is weightless

and free

 

The world is just

the world –

And you are exactly

 

who you are –

Also floating now

high inside

 

The invisible

balloon of

another moment.

What if we could just let it go?  Give ourselves the grace of not second-guessing, seeking the ever-deeper answer, reflecting on our belly buttons until we can no longer remember why we got so engrossed in the first place (hint – there’s nothing going on worthy of self scrutiny of your navel)?  What if we took the worry du moment and greeted it, acknowledged it for what it is and then remember that whether or not we hold it, its resolution will come?  How would our day unfold if we wrote our sorrows on bits of paper and cast them into the wind – for whether we clutch them with tight fist or hold them loosely or let them go – the only thing that will change is the cramp in our fingers?

I hold onto things for too, too long.  I carry them with me as if they are some unique treasure that must be coddled and cared for, when realistically they have little long term value.  The typical takeaway for me is that I shouldn’t have wasted so much emotional energy.  ‘Lesson learned for next time’, I tell myself.  And this little voice in my ear laughs and wonders who I’m kidding.  The truth is, that which should be held onto for that extra moment longer are often the things we miss as we’re moving on – a hug that transmits love, a conversation with a friend who just needs you to be one, a tumbler of Grand Marnier in front of a fire (or hot chocolate with marshmallows – and you have to get to the marshmallows at the perfect in-between-time when they’ve melted but are still formed).

Why is it that every time – every time I look up at the sky and ask “Please?” and say “Thank you” (which I do often enough in a day that I probably am developing a reputation in the neighborhood as the lady with the dogs who walks around talking to the sky), I am lighter?  And if we know that our most peaceful moments come when we let go, do we insist that each time we don’t, we’re justified for doing so?   I swear to you I have some thoughts on this – and I know you do too.  In the interest of perpetuating my adapted version of National Listening Day, I’d rather hear why you hold on so tight, when we could instead release such encumbrances?  What do you think?  Anyone feel like letting go of the string?

discretion, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Here’s An Idea

According to NPR, the day after Thanksgiving is the National Day Of Listening.  The concept stems from their highly successful StoryCorps Program, and the theory is that the most important way to honor someone is to listen to him/her.  To hear a story with full attention, so intent that you could integrate it into a memory worth saving.  Listening with your mind free of anticipated responses, shopping lists, wandering thoughts – can you quantify the value of such a gift?  Can you imagine how much it would be appreciated?

Ask someone to tell you a story.  If you are indulging in some quiet after the deluge of family and friends, listen to the silence.  It too has a tale to tell.  Our stories matter, they are our perspectives of personal history and seminal moments,  unfettered joy and unhealed wounds.  They define us far more than adjectives.  They shape us far more than any exercise regimen (which is not a knock on exercise).  Yet, when was the last time you heard a tale?  And, what would be the story you would tell?

To me, that is where the wonder of this season is – in the giving of one’s heart while lending an ear.  And in being awed by the gift we’re given every time we  listen.  Happy Friday everybody.