I hope the title evokes thoughts of Johnny Rivers or Aerosmith – that’s what was playing in my head this morning.
How many times have you said to yourself, “I shoulda said”, “I coulda said” or “I woulda said something, but….”. It’s a common malady, the ‘should-woulda-coulda’ flu. I’ve been infected more times than I can count – at work certainly, and in other areas of my life as well. Its onset is so rapid you don’t even know you’ve got it until you try to open your mouth to counter a comment or action with which you take issue, and then rationalize why you shouldn’t say a word.
There is of course a corollary to this bug, which manifests itself with almost uncontrolled verbal expressions which are provided with or without invitation. It’s also common in the workplace – the ‘shooting-my-mouth-off’ syndrome. Again, there are no early symptoms, other than the overwhelming urge to say whatever is in your head without filter or forethought.
Although neither is recognized by the AMA, the effects of both can be lingering and negatively impact your relationships and your career. The good news? Both are controllable – and with a little exercise and a change in your emotional diet, you should feel pretty good about the prognosis.
There are times when we all feel the need or desire to speak truth to power – or at least what we perceive the truth to be. You see an issue or problem that is being overlooked, diminished or ignored by those above you in the management hourglass. In the first instance, you say nothing at all – you don’t want to be seen as negative, maybe you anticipate an angry or dismissive response or feel resigned that your perspective isn’t going to affect the outcome anyway. In the latter, you tell your supervisor everything you see and hear, rationalizing that you want to keep your boss ‘in the know’, assigning an ‘urgent’ rating to each conversation and feeling strongly that it’s your job to put it out there, and your supervisor’s job to remedy the situation.
Neither is absolutely right, neither can feel all that good and neither is reflective of your best professional aspect. I believe that timing is everything – and though certainly I don’t always get it right by a long shot – I have learned to wait until I feel the odds are best for my audience to be attentive to what I’m saying. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am undoubtedly also driven by my disdain for confrontation and will do what I can to minimize the likelihood of a conversation becoming hostile.) No one controls what you say and how you say it other than you. For those who feel your comments are futile – consider that you are in a position where there is an expectation for to you provide your insights, recommendations and perspective. Although it may easier for you to ‘go along to get along’, if you can improve a situation you have a responsibility to do so. And if any of you out there have a tendency to speak before thinking about the content and manner of your delivery – the expectations are the same for you too. Impulsive, ill-conceived comments will sabotage your success with equal speed and force.
Take ten – ten minutes to stop and think about the problem that you see. Evaluate its urgency, where your audience is at the moment and how to best disseminate the information. Presuming the situation is not an emergency, think about the possible solutions you can recommend. ‘Initiative’ is more than bringing an issue to someone’s attention – it also references your ability to provide some potential resolutions as well. You need to take time to consider problem-solving alternatives before elevating the concern. And for those who hesitate to say anything – you need some time too – to accept that this is part of your responsibilities and determine the approach that will be most comfortable to you. Doing nothing is not an option, so don’t even go there. The goal of the conversation is the same regardless of which ailment you may have – to identify a concern, assess its accuracy and provide objective recommendations for cure.
I realize that when you’re under the weather with symptoms of either virus, such counsel may be unwelcome. Yet the bottom line is – real business concerns need to be brought forward – and your professional stock will rise if you do so in the right way and at the right time. Walk around the block, take some Vitamin C and if you need to, practice your comments before you make them. I speak with many managers all the time who feel there is no point in bringing issues out in the open. I feel their sense of resignation and I ache at their feelings of futility. I have to say that there are some conditions far worse than the two I’ve mentioned today. Giving up and giving in to indifference is a far more dangerous and intransigent bug – one which spreads with impressive virulence. Your views do matter, your recommendations are important and valuable – just make sure your outlook is healthy before you speak.
18 thoughts on “The ‘ShootingMyMouthOff’ & The ‘ShouldaCoulda’ Flu”
Sometimes the easiest solutions are the best. Taking ten to think through your thoughts and edit them once or twice makes a lot of sense. Brilliant!! Thank you.
You’re welcome! I’m glad you liked the post!
I have chronic shouldacoulda-itis. Thanks for giving me a name for my disorder!
Sage advice, Karma Goddess
Thank you Deb!! That’s me – a little bit sage, a little paprika…:-)
isn’t there just an antibiotic we can take.? this is a chronic state of affairs~!
Wouldn’t that be nice?? Take two and call me in the morning…:-)
SUCH a good post! I struggle with this condition constantly, as I, too, REALLY dislike confrontation. But I think you are absolutely right that bringing a problem to the fore in a reasoned and well-timed manner is the best thing to do. I’ve had several colleagues who can do this is *such* an artful way and I’ve always admired them and tried to learn from their example. These pointers are very helpful, and the *adorable* photo of the dog doesn’t hurt either! 😉
Thanks! I appreciate a fellow confrontation-shirker!! As for the pic, I’m trying to make amends to my boys who are still hurt by the cat picture yesterday! 🙂
Where were you when I was in Toronto?! Could’a used you then!!!! How do you feel about shrinking down to fit into my pocket?
I would’ve come!!!
I am far more comfortable with today’s musical references. Practicing is a great suggestion. I will do this in prepartion for difficult conversations and sometimes I even offend myself with the stupid things that I may be considering saying. Sounds great in my head, but when I actually hear it then I realize how inappropriate it is. Great post.
I had a sneaky feeling that you’d like today’s musical selection…:-) Thanks for the comments…I still practice what I’m going to say before having a tough conversation – if anything I practice and practice and practice as a way to avoid having it! That said, I agree with you – when you hear what you’re saying before you speak with the person, you’re way ahead of the game. And – you get the chance to get some of the questionable thoughts out into the ether..
Great advice. Amazing how much of this applies to non-biz relationships, too.
Thanks – I agree with you. I think these kinds of ‘viruses’ can affect a person anywhere!! 😉
Wonderful post! So much of your advice fits with life in general.
Thank you! Certainly there is universality (or should be) in the fundamental way in which we treat each other..