Category: friendship

anxiety, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Be Honest

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I’ve got a question for you – well really, it’s a quote from Satchel Paige:

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?”

Peter Chang - self portrait
Peter Chang – self portrait (Photo credit: chaos80129)

My own personal answer is neither firm nor absolute.  Initially, I thought the age I am now.  I am freer, wiser, less frantic, more accepting.  I don’t drive myself crazy believing that a work legacy is anything other than illusory and fleeting.  I have time for friends – old friends that I thought I would never see again and new friends that I never thought I would find at this stage in my life.  I’m smarter – or at least I think I am.  I hold onto things for far less time, and leave the perseverating to people who enjoy it more than I do.  The ghosts from my past don’t jump as high on the bed anymore.  They’ve gotten smaller, or I’ve gotten braver.  I am still ridiculously immature, do silly better than I do serious and have no intention of growing up.  I figure this intractability is ultimately a good thing – it worked for Peter Pan.

I didn’t like being a little kid, though I would give an awful lot to be horseback riding with my dad again.  I did a lot in my twenties – the best parts of it were giving birth to my sons – the rest of the decade was pretty much a disaster.  I definitely looked a lot better then.  I was fallow for most of my thirties, hiding behind my little boys while I nursed some of my open wounds.  But my sister got sick then and the mere thought of those days fills me with dread and fear (and a little nausea).  I can’t go back there, ’cause I need her here.

By the time Andy and I got together, I was closer to my forties.  Andy made me less afraid of  grown-up love.  I inherited a sister and brother-in-law I love deeply and wonderful parents-in-law.   I loved my forties – though my children became teenagers, needing to separate and return, a dance with no rhythm and what felt like no end.  I got sick in my forties.  Still looked pretty damn good – or so I’ve been told.  My dad’s decline was steeper, my mom’s anxiety heightened.  Yes, I was rocking the professional arena – and somehow that has become a footnote.

So I’m here – and I suppose this is where I would want to be – with a few caveats.  I wouldn’t mind losing the chronic pain for a few days, and sometimes wonder what will be in the future if my body is acting like such a renegade now.  There used to be an ad on tv with the tag line – “when I grow up I want to be an old woman”.  It was a good ad – lots of old women dancing around, doing lots of crazy and silly stuff – I imagine myself that way in years to come (hell, I do some of that now).  I’m determined to sparkle.  Life deserves some sequins and a feather boa.  I don’t like the implications – that more is behind me than ahead.  Other than that, I’ll take it, and don’t intend to go quietly into any good night.  I’m too lousy a sleeper.

What about you?

friendship, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, management

You Want It All? Be Careful What You Wish For

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By now all of you have heard about Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article in The Atlantic ‘Why Women Can’t Have It All’.  Apparently this one article boosted The Atlantic’s circulation to record numbers, and the public response has been remarkable and passionate.  Slaughter makes certain recommendations which I heartily endorse – company policies that are more parent-friendly, family leave that is more flexible, etc.  But here is my very ungracious perspective – get over it.  If you define having it all as being the best parent, spouse, adult-child, employee, friend simultaneously, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.  I do think you need to re-think what it means to have it all, and perhaps if considered through a different lens, you may feel differently.

I have not met a highly successful business person who hasn’t given up something significant in their trek up the mountain.  I have seen young associates (men and women) sacrifice eight years of their lives in a bid for partnership.  Billable hours are budgeted at a high number, the expectations that you will also involve yourself in firm activities (recruiting, timely submission of needed administrativia, required continuing ed credits, showing your social ‘fit’ – it takes a lot of time.  Perhaps you squeeze in a wedding and a honeymoon.  You return to a peer group that is constantly jockeying for the inside position (I think that pun is intended).  You have to quickly get your rhythm and get moving, competing at the level of the thoroughbred you’ve been assured you are.  One in four attorneys abuses some substance, divorce rates are second only to those of doctors.  They have the money (in Big Law you get paid a lot of money to gallop on that track), they can even step aside to have a baby and take a generous maternity leave – but one day the call is heard to return to the galloping horde.  This is not solely a professional services phenomenon – career development is a competitive, challenging, time-consuming, energy-sapping commitment.

One of the women who works in the hair salon I go to told me that she had cut her hours to three days a week.  She’s a divorced mom with two teenage children and felt that they need her more during their adolescence than ever before.  No one pressured her to do this – her personal value system led her to this choice.  (The hair salon is a post for later this week – but it’s magical – I go in with a Pepe LePew stripe and come out with blond highlights).

Some people give up their social skills.  Their ability to develop relationships is stunted by years and years of isolated work and limited meaningful interaction.  To me – that’s an irreparable, life-altering sacrifice – though I know many people who have lost their interest in and concern for other people over time.  Their focus has been so precise and narrow, they have fallen behind in their personal growth.

In my world,  I was more successful than I ever imagined I would be (ok, so it wasn’t on Broadway, but I didn’t have the talent for that anyway – or the ego strength).  I made it to the C-suite, fought for an equally sized seat at the table (no comments about my feet not touching the floor please), raised children who so far have not dipped into the therapy fund I set up as soon as I knew that they were going to have me more for a mom.  I married a wonderful man who brought with him my wonderful third son (and another therapy fund).  And I made choices…I chose not to have a job that was going to require that I travel all over hell and creation until my kids were away at school.  I found mentors who could guide me through the dissonance of having conflicting wants and needs.  All those mentors were men – an interesting topic in and of itself.  I chose my family more often than not – though there were some baseball games I missed and I always felt that I could be doing more.   I called my parents every day – and eventually they knew my secretary who in turn would call to give them a heads-up if my 9:00AM call was going to be late.  And there’s the segue..

You need a rock solid support system willing and able to pick up the balls that you need to drop.  And you will drop the ball sometimes.  In days past, nuclear families lived in close proximity to each other, back up was ready and available, there were additional arms and meals and hugs.  When I moved to DC, I had to create a safety net, and it always had holes.

I want women to achieve their goals, dream big dreams, reach on their tip toes.  I also feel that having it all – all at once – is asking for a Roman feast that looks magnificent on your plate, and is impossible to eat in one sitting.   Perhaps we can have it all if we define this concept in more digestible bites.  And then we might even have room for dessert.

friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Hold This Thought

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Today, be as good to yourself as you are to your closest friend.  You may find the advice you give yourself is sounder, the kindness you show yourself is greater, and your ability to let some of the nonsense go, more finely honed.  Be who you are to those you love – and turn some of that emotional generosity inward.  Let me know how you do.  Happy Thursday all.

 

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

Today Is The Day

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It’s the middle of the week AND and it’s a birthday – two reasons to see something wonderful in today.  Oh don’t misunderstand – I still want my power back, it is still relentlessly in the triple digits and I know if I stay outside for too long,  I may melt a few more inches (would that those inches were around my waist).  But I am here with my delicious daughter-in-law, drinking coffee and grateful that I slept for longer than three hours.  And I’m beginning to feel it again…

Perhaps sassy shorts…it’s not been the greatest of weeks so far.  Nonetheless, here are some things you may want to consider doing on your day off today…or, any day..

Find something to marvel at – anything…


Go on a date that leaves you exhilarated..

Take a nap

 

Decide you’re going to wake up happy (you can do that you know)

Hug someone with all you’ve got – and if you grunt ’cause you’re hugging so hard, that’s even better..

(I concede these guys don’t look like they’re hugging really hard, but I loved the picture)

 

Remember that joyful abandon is not solely the bastion of children – find the beat and lose yourself..

I hope you hear some great music today – and everyday

 

 

 

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

WonderWoman – Not

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When I was in grad school, my mentor asked me why I felt I always had to be strong.  I thought it was a ridiculous question – I had two pre-schoolers, a difficult marriage from which I was extricating myself, no job, no proximate support system – uh, what were my choices?   Wise fellow that he was, he then rhetorically posited  – ‘Isn’t it possible for someone to be both strong and weak?  Aren’t there risks you run in being either one or the other?”

I loved that guy.

So here I am in the ridiculously, unforgivably hot and humid suburbs outside Washington, D.C., trying to remember what it was like last Friday, when we had power.  Some irate storm tore through here on a whim, arbitrarily kicking down power line after power line.  I’m not sure what the storm was so annoyed about – my hunch is it needed an attention.  It got it.  Initially in its wake, there were some amusing moments.  The only open Starbucks within miles had a line that slithered around the shopping center by 7:00AM Saturday morning.  We were all jolly enough – smiling indulgently at the babies in pajamas still dozing on their parents’ shoulders, the weary comparisons between strangers “have you heard when the power is coming back on?”, the snarky looks at people asking for two venti triple-soy-no foam-lattes, with one and three-quarter pumps of hazelnut (really?  there are six hundred people out here).  There was a run on gallon jugs of any kind of water so that people could flush their toilets (many of us are on well water – you get the picture), bags of ice and an abundance of good humor.

It’s been four days and counting.  No one is smiling.  There are some assurances that everyone will have power restored by Friday.  We have so lowered the bar when it comes to our expectations it’s ridiculous.  That’s a post for another day.  Suffice it to say, I haven’t seen one truck on any of our major roads, let alone our neighborhood.  I guess they’re starting farther out and working their way in.  Happily,  my son and daughter-in-law got their power back last night, so I am sitting in comfort at their house, happily connected and soooo thankful that the Sirs have stopped panting.  They of course are so wiped out, they’re snoring (which in dogs is kind of cute, in husbands not nearly as endearing).

I am strong – and I’m a wimp.  I don’t do heat well, and humidity even worse.  My fingers look like Viennese sausages, my joints look…gross.  Let’s not even talk about this oily slick that covers my skin, not necessarily an attractive glow per se.  It makes my shorts cling to me – and I don’t even like my shorts that much.  My flip flops don’t flip or flop – they’re glued to the soles of my feet.  When I left my house to drive over here, it was 96 degrees upstairs and a balmy 88 on the main floor.  I want my power restored.  The frozen food melted all over the kitchen floor yesterday – I want to refill the coffers.  I want my house back.  Don’t get me wrong – I am beyond grateful that my kids are here – they are gracious and loving and wonderful.  But I’m fried – literally.  And when the customer service person told me (after being on hold for twenty minutes) that we weren’t even on the repair list yet – I lost it.  I know that my mom would have referred to these as ‘silken worries’, but she was wrong.  Deny a person sufficient sleep and food while seated in a sauna and you can wear a body out.

I did learn a few things though (hey, it’s me, when don’t I learn something…amazing to be this old, and find a lesson in almost everything). I learned that people you’ve never met can matter more than you could ever imagine.  Rhonda, Lori, David – thank you for being my friends – in whatever universe we have found ourselves.  I only hope I can return the favor by telling you that I keep you in my thoughts pretty damn regularly – and they’re all good thoughts.  My sister who graciously confirmed for me that I AM royalty – or at least “royally pissed off” made me laugh while I was hiccuping with sobs.  Allie and Angus – ‘hang in there hugs’ that inclined me to do so.  Aaron – who called at just the right time and said just the right things to his mom.  Matt and Liezel who told me I was being ridiculous about my hesitation to invade their home – with the dogs.  My kids – my heart and soul.  I remembered that there is beauty in silence – unless you have tinnitis.  And of no less importance – for all the really ugly behavior that we see or read about everyday, there are still some really cool people out there.  And friends of course are cooler still – regardless of what the thermometer reads.  Happy to be back among the blogging…

friendship, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, mindfulness, motivation

Thankful Thursday Thoughts

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 Today may very well be the day when you choose to open your eyes to one new experience, thought,  and/or moment in time, that you previously  hesitated to see.  Today you may break free from the ties that have bound your senses and enhance your life a gazillion-fold just by untying those figurative binds that have precluded you from reaching, daring, touching another soul in need.  That’s what makes today so magical – anything can happen.  And I hope you let it happen.  And then I hope you tell me what your day brought you in return.

friendship, humor, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Gimme A Hug

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People who don’t know how to hug.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  It’s more than a pet peeve, it can be a deal breaker.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hollywood ‘air’ kiss?  Well there’s an ‘air’ hug too.  I’m sure you’ve felt it – or more accurately, haven’t.  Someone leans his/her upper body into yours, vaguely placing one arm within breathing distance of your back and perhaps patting your shoulder.  I realize this isn’t very generous of me, but I jump to some pretty quick conclusions about people who don’t know how to hug – really hug (a caveat – I am culturally aware enough to know that in some places around the world, open affection like this is not common practice – you lucky people are exempted from my gross conclusion-jumping, which I know is wrong, but I do anyway – sometimes).

– I think you’re emotionally self-protective

– I think you’re not comfortable in your own skin

– I think I’m going to spend most of our time together trying to knock down your walls

– You’re missing out on one of the most renewing, reaffirming, loving gestures in the world

–  You don’t like me

– You’re not into nurturing

I could go on, but I won’t.  You know how much I dislike a lot of negative redundancy (positive redundancy however, is completely ok).  There is nothing in the world that feels as wonderful as a really good, wrap-your-arms-around-someone-with-all-you’ve-got-hug.  When the boys were little, we would often drive up to Westchester to see my parents.  My dad was their primary male role model – and he filled this role with enthusiasm.  He would come into the driveway as I was extricating the boys from their car seats, and they would start yelling for the “boa constrictor”.  They’d all run into the house and dad would sit down at the first opportunity and the boys would stand in front of him as he slowly  began to coil his arms around them, one at a time.  “And now” he would say, “the mighty boa constrictor winds his way around his prey”.  The boys would start to giggle and put their arms around his neck mimicking him “and I’m the boa constrictor…!”.  Slowly they would squeeze each other until their laughter dissolved the embrace, dad kissing their baby cheeks, each boy giving himself completely over to these powerful hugs.  The memory makes me cry – sadness yes, but I can feel their delight.  That man knew how to hug.  My friend Jo is an amazing hugger – she hugs so well that though we see each other rarely, I feel her hugs all the time.  Lori writes with hugs in her words – I want to learn how to do that.

I want to feel a hug so I can carry it with me.  Hugs send a message – a message of love and delight, of support and friendship, of spirit and life.  Hugs make you laugh, they can prompt your tears.  They help explain our humanity.  They let us throw our arms wide open to the world and then hold onto something so we don’t fly away, carried by the sheer magnitude of it all.  I hope you get a hug today – and I hope you give one.  Hold on with both arms.  Put your heart into it.  Tell me you don’t walk away feeling that much more connected to something wonderful.  Feels pretty terrific doesn’t it?  I told you.

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

Tuesday Morning’s Two Cents

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It’s 3:15 in the morning – a ridiculous hour to be doing anything other than sleeping or sitting outside listening to the night breathe.  Here was my first thought when I came into the kitchen…

Fortunately, we had some…

And this was my second thought (that’s not true, it was more like the ninth or tenth) that I wanted to share with you before you begin your terrific Tuesday..
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but that person you keep conjuring in your head?  It’s an avatar in an alternative universe.  That person that all of us see and marvel about?  That’s you.  Believe me.

More later – I’m off to the porch with my coffee.

friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Trying To Wrap My Arms Around Time…

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…and I can’t.  Yesterday was one of those days where time and I faced off in the ring.  As I made every effort to grab it, time was bobbing and weaving like Muhammed Ali (oh, the irony of how this metaphor dates me in and of itself), coming near and taunting me, daring me to bring it and then sprinting out of my grasp.  I understand why I’d never make it as a boxer – over and above my true abhorrence of being rewarded for knocking someone’s brains loose,  I’d lose each match, for I think I’d keep my gloves up and my eyes closed.

I had lunch yesterday with a woman who used to work at the firm.  She was a manager in the DC office – exceedingly talented and funny with professional ambitions that extended beyond the walls of a branch office.  When I last heard from her she was heading to NY for a larger position in another well-known law firm.  She was on her way.  That we re-connected is a wonderful surprise.  And when she told me that it had been seven years since we last saw each other, I was stunned.  Seven years??  In seven years, lives change.  She survived cancer, wrote a book, moved back to the DC area, is happily employed as the administrator for a smaller firm where she runs the operational ship.  Her face still lights up when she speaks about her husband and family, she looks wonderfully the same and now has four cats instead of the two I remember.  The niece and nephews who were still small children when we last spoke, are in the process of leaving from, attending and moving on after college.  Excuse me?  When the heck did all of this happen?  I realize that time stands still for no man, but surely it would slow down for a woman – right?  Just kidding…

Later in the afternoon, I spent close to two hours speaking with a woman who was my closest friend in high school and college.  She was a bridesmaid at my first wedding (I’m not going there – the wedding, that is).  Our last sighting was close to thirty years ago.  Thirty years…decades of years cascading upon each other.  She still has a laugh like a song.  Her voice has the timber of someone who has had her share of weight to carry as an adult (see my earlier post about the increasing baggage we carry as we get older).  Her life experiences have been varied, rich and happily more love-filled than not, though the times of ‘not’ were profound and etched tattoos that not everyone can see.  I saw them – for even after thirty years I know her voice, could see her face and remember her courage and singular, determined spirit.  We spoke of our respective lives today – husbands, children, careers.  We tentatively went back to Jackson Heights – our friends, our parents – my memories of her mom and dad are as clear as glass – I see them in their apartment, at school events.  Her mom wore Pucci (not sure if they were derivative – probably not, but either way, I loved the colors), deep, alluring voice, perhaps a bit tempermental – nonetheless, she’d come home and endure our singing to Laura Nyro and James Taylor.  Her dad was elegant, soft-spoken and very tall.  I remember he always seemed to look amused by the two of us.  That’s probably right – we were a pretty amusing duo, even if we did take ourselves very seriously.

We will speak again and see each other at some point.  We are both in no small part who we once were, and connect to that understanding with a familiar comfort that few get to re-visit.  Certainly there are new loves and layers and priorities – life has happened in between these years.  And that has me a little turned around this morning.  So much life has happened.  So much time has passed.

Another blogger celebrated her 25th birthday yesterday and was struck by how quickly she had arrived on the brink of being a grown up.  I get it – even though I regard her disbelief with a smile, for she has so many more years of being tricked by time.  The moments fold into each other with increasing speed, days and weeks pass and though we can live wholly and fully, we can’t hold time.  And yesterday I wanted to hold it, just for a minute – look it in the eye and implore it to please, please slow down.  I need a moment to take this all in with nothing else happening in the interim, while I stop and look with wonder at all that has happened over the years.  All that inconsequential stuff that passed in a day that I didn’t notice, and that in retrospect make up huge, life-changing events.  I don’t want to chase time, it is clearly out-pacing me.  I just want to hold it still for a moment and ask what the rush is all about.

friendship, humor

It’s A Mighty Warm Wednesday

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Oppressively hot here in DC today – the kind of day where the lead story on the news is the weather (when we tip the thermometer at over 100 degrees, it’s a big deal.  You would think with the perpetual disharmony on the Hill, such elevated temperatures wouldn’t be newsworthy).  The good news – you can feel drenched as soon as you go outside, so if you like the feel of air conditioning against slick skin, this day is for you.  The not-so-good-news – if you’re like most of us, you will have to breathe the air with a straw and you won’t delight in the film of sweat that develops as soon as you get out the hair dryer.  So for anyone needing to start the day with a smile…Here you go – Happy Hot Humid Hump Day!

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

So Many Lessons, Not Enough Time

mimijk

It has certainly been an afternoon rife with instruction.  I sit here before you a far brighter soul than I was this morning (ok, I’m looking at a computer screen, but that didn’t sound nearly as wise).  How much can one learn in an afternoon?  Prepare to be amazed..

1.  Do not try and untangle the vacuum cleaner hose in a swimming pool while it’s on.  Definitely do not do this right before you are heading out the door.  Unless you like driving in wet clothes, in which case – please invert this lesson and go right ahead and try this regularly.  You will get the result you seek.  That said, you could also just hop into the shower after you’ve got your clothes on, make-up done and hair dried – it will serve the same purpose..

 Although this isn’t a picture of me, the resemblance is uncanny.  I will say, that if you can do this while your dogs are happily barking at said dancing vacuum, or better yet, while you have people around watching you wrestle  – even better.

2.  My sister can still silence me with one sentence.  This time it was (I’m paraphrasing) ‘the one who drives the narrative, drives the response’.  Now you tell me – how lyrical is she?  How smart?  Yeah I know I have typical younger-sister-syndrome – I think she rocks the world every which way the world can be rocked, but come on – who comes out with stuff that good off the top of their heads?  The good news for me is that we’re genetically connected, so I may come up with something like that without a script or an edit one of these days.

3.  Laughing over lunch with a new friend is the best way to spend part of an afternoon.  Perhaps sitting outside when it’s ridiculously hot and humid isn’t the best idea, but if you’re both glowing it makes it okay.

4.  While we were away, I was given ‘The Commentator Award’ by the very inspirational and candid author of the blog GenieSpeaks.wordpress.com.  My understanding is that this is an acknowledgement of my comments when she posts.  She makes it easy – I enjoy her blogs and her sheer delight in the world around her.  Travel.Culture.Food.wordpress.com was kind enough to give me ‘The Sunshine Blogger’ award.  If you ever want to be transported visually and carried away in your daydreams, visit this blog.  You will enjoy the commentary – the exuberance is almost palpable.  I have received this award once before from SimonMarsh.wordpress.com, but have just figured out exactly how to post these images without the assistance of one of my kids or kids-in-law.  If there’s a ‘Really Smart Blogger Award’, I hope no one ever thinks of me as a possible recipient – it would be disingenuous, I think.

5.  I don’t want to minimize this praise, nor diminish the fact that I am continually surprised by such largesse.  I am beyond appreciative and I thank you.  But today I  learned that there aren’t sufficient written alternatives in the English language (or perhaps it’s my limited vocabulary) to express the sheer joy that I have found in this welcoming, forgiving and generous new group of friends.  For I feel that those who read this blog have become my friends.  I look forward to your posts, I run back to the computer to read your comments, some of us have emailed separately, others reblog…And in this way, we continue to get to know each other and show each other who we are without some of the filters that might exist were we to be introduced in person.  I started writing this blog in January – since then it’s been visited by over 10,000 people (presumably most of them have come in error) and there are hundreds of people who are following with intention.  I’m not sure why.  I do know that five months ago I thought I would try this and see where the road led.  It led me to you.  You give me far more than awards – you give me your laughter, your stories, your tears,  your encouragement, your opinions, your perspective, your talent.  Certainly you have given more than I could have asked for or expected.  How do you thank people you feel you know but have never met, for the gift of trust and love and friendship?  This is a meager attempt to express the abundant gratitude and joy that you have given me.  Which leads me to…

6.  There are surprises in each day.  There is krazy karma and indescribable, head-shaking moments of wonder and humility.  And if you know that, no matter how drenched you may get, you’re never all wet.