I always wonder how magicians do it. Being quite naive and slow to track a sleight of hand, I’m one of those excellent candidates that others shake their heads at, wondering how I could have missed it. I miss it every time. So when in the audience, I never volunteer. I’m too easy. Andy figures out all of these tricks – it’s part of that male mystique of his that requires the provision of an acceptable answer.
Lately I feel like I’m the one trying to figure out the scheme. And as usual, I’m not exactly blinding anyone with my brilliance. Rather, I’m letting each moment happen and have surrendered to the limits of my intellect.
In the past few weeks, there has been a health scare with my son (he’s totally fine – but if you think I could string two coherent words together at the time, you’d be giving me way too much credit). I stayed awake – certain that if my vigilance failed for a moment, something awful might happen. I’m not sure I was breathing, yet I must have been, ’cause I’m writing to you now. As soon as I heard he was ok I saw myself as a puddle on the floor. No longer with any form or substantive thought. It doesn’t matter whether or not he understood my reaction for it wasn’t/isn’t about me – he’s the child (even though he’s an adult), I’m the mom.
One of my sons completed his MBA. This is his second Master’s degree – both completed while working full-time at one of the most unforgiving consulting companies when it comes to time and billing (let me take that back – all professional service firms are unforgiving when it comes to time and billing). Yes, I whooped when they called his name (but at his request, I didn’t yell “Go baby!”). These men o’ mine are no longer men o’ mine – they are husbands first. And I wanted my mama lion role back (with no disrespect to either one of my lovely daughters-in-law), mourned the loss of the role I know well. Chuffing at the opening of my lair…
Andy’s parents are moving to CA to be closer to their daughter and her family. The weather will be kinder. the opportunities greater for my father-in-law to golf, my mother-in-law to get involved in some activities. Andy’s up there helping them get organized until he makes it home today. We’ll go back up together on Wednesday. I’ve been here before; there’s nothing about it that’s easy.
My cherished friend going through the ebbs and flows of possible transitions – not knowing from one moment to the next whether she’s going-along-to-get-along or passionately caring about the life choices ahead.
So I wake each day with a hint of worry attached to my coffee cup. My shoulders a bit more bent. Roles change all the time, relationships morph because that’s what relationships do. The earth always moving beneath our feet and relying on our sense of balance to remain upright.
And yet…I am acutely aware that everything is ok. I caught two blue jays yakking it up yesterday afternoon (wow are they loud). The early morning stars shone with such clarity I wept at their beauty. I gratefully accept the morning’s invitation. Somewhere inside I am as full and fortunate as any one person can be.
I am going to take a page from some of my fellow bloggers and take a bit of a hiatus. It’s not good-bye of course, just some time to fiddle with the idea of blogging, maybe change the paint on the karma truck, rotate the tires, shift gears so to speak. It’s time – we’ve been on this road together for a long time and rather than lose the company, I’d prefer to pull over and park this baby for awhile. Get outside, renew, re-think, restore.
And maybe, just maybe when I get back, I’ll be able to tell you just how the magicians do it. See you soon. Much love…m