Month: June 2012

inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Walking Into Life

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I think I’ve lived a good deal of my life with my senses on high alert.  When the boys were babies and I was a single mom, I remember sleeping with one ear measuring the rhythm of their breaths, the other attuned to the sounds of the house – I had to be ready, just in case.  I have always been neurotic at work – my silly view that as technology allowed 24/7 availability, I was supposed to be available in every time zone (for we had 33 office around the world).  This made me a very valuable employee in the environment known as ‘Big Law’ – where the bizarre ‘play hurt’ philosophy still drives the billable hour and the head-shaking awe and respect of others.  I’m the person you want in a crisis – no tears, very collected, logical – I’m ready.  Divorce?  Death?  Employment issue?  Performance problem?  Marital angst?  Sick child?  I’m your woman.  I can make it through Whole Foods in fifteen minutes and fill the cart with the proper items.  I don’t love anyone or anything in a half-assed way, and as such I will give it  everything I’ve got – no questions asked.  I have run head long into life – but for the times when I’ve crashed into a wall.

I crashed into a wall when I was diagnosed with this stupid autoimmune disease that makes my joints swell inexplicably, the tendons twisting and rioting without provocation.  When I realized that after too many surgeries I was  going to have to figure out the music that accompanies chronic pain so I could understand the rhythm I’d be dancing too (I hate being off the beat, though I am clearly off-beat).   I didn’t see the wall on Sunday. We were having brunch with our friends who asked about the Jewish ritual of sitting shiva – a seven-day mourning period after the death of an immediate family member.  After seven days in the house, one is supposed to go outside and walk back into life.  I remembered my sister and I doing this after the shiva period for both of our parents.  I couldn’t speak, for the pain of missing my parents was so visceral in that moment.  And I swear to you, for a moment I thought my heart stopped.  Walking back into life.  Walking back into life a person changed forever.

So it was when I retired last year.  No need to re-visit the early days of dissonance, when no notes came together to form a lovely sound.  Suffice it to say, I was opening the door and walking outside, completely unfamiliar with my space in the world.  At first, I walked with purpose – almost defiantly.  At some point I slowed, realizing that I had the chance just to breathe.  I wasn’t driven by urgent need – or my perception of urgent need.  I didn’t need to walk back into life for any reason other than it was my due.  It has taken me months to figure out this new rhythm, embrace the richness of this music and accept that just being me is reason enough to walk into life.  I need not be raising and protecting my delicious boys,  I don’t have to be grieving, I don’t have to be on call for anyone who may need me for reasons which they consider critical (but in retrospect were often pretty self-serving).

The beauty of stopping before you open the door lies in the anticipation of what you will find.  Each day, I now pause.  I close my eyes and open them just to be surprised at what may appear before me.  Goofy?  Perhaps.  A reminder that this is the only moment?  Definitely.

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Caffeine Anyone?

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A post about the joys of coffee?  No – although perhaps a nod to the nectar of the gods, especially as it is being brewed.  I realize that many could argue that there are other olfactory stimuli that parallel the sense of delight that coffee elicits, but I believe you’re wrong (caveat – freshly washed baby smells don’t count).  For all I know it smells way better than it tastes – that first cup of coffee is an experience for all the senses – even ESP – I know what will happen once I begin drinking it.  I will sigh.  My head will begin to realize that I’m awake (my body typically follows, not to worry).  The Sirs fall asleep after their breakfast and give me the privacy and silence to reverently watch the sun come up.  I slowly write my good morning blog and pause every once in a while to make sure it’s making sense.  All of this occurs with the promise of freshly brewed coffee.

I am not an aficionado  – I just like it strong.  I don’t know the difference between crema and foam, the implications of buying beans from the southern corners of Africa or the rain forest  in Brazil.  I grew up believing that Chock Ful O’ Nuts ‘was a heavenly coffee’.  Fine by me – it made it possible to talk to my mom each day, for there was no talking allowed until she had a cup.  We’re packing up to go to the mountains with friends  for the weekend and the only requirement from me?  Coffee.  And half and half.  A mug.  I’m pretty easy..(ok, I’m not easy, but clearly I can be had – how embarrassing).

It occurs to me that I’ve just provided you with two paragraphs on coffee.  Ah well – it’s Friday!  It’s time to take off your big girl and boy pants and get a little crazy, whatever your definition of that may be.  Cannonball into a pool, eat ice cream with sprinkles and a cone and forget the calorie angel sitting on your shoulder – in fact, tell her to give it a rest.  It’s the weekend.  Go outside if you can and find one thing you never noticed before (hint – a new bud on a flowering bush counts), make faces in a mirror (I do this naturally – it amuses me), tickle as many senses as you can just by being exactly where and who you are.  Play.  Hug. Giggle. Revel.  But first – have a cup of coffee.  Happy weekend all..

inspiration, leadership, life lessons, management, mindfulness, motivation, training, work life

We Should Never Graduate

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A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook yesterday (an old friend of recent re-acquaintance).  I couldn’t walk away from my own thoughts about its implications, and my complicity – in both positive and negative ways  – over the years.  You know me well enough to know that I have yet to transcend my own limitations, unable to keep my mind still long enough to even utter a mantra;  I am not about to denounce a material world which has afforded my family a comfortable lifestyle, and some accessories which make my sloppy outfits look well-considered.  In other words, before you jump up in defense of capitalism and financial success as a social definitive – sit down.  I’m not arguing with you.

I am however, absolutely passionate about my belief that learning is a lifelong exercise, and organizational leaders are in the position to educate all the time.  I’ll go a step farther – they have an imperative to educate.  And with that in mind I have got to ask you – what are you teaching?  Does your department, company, organization commit to moral management or success-at-any-cost?  Are you developing people’s abilities to complement their career progression or are you focused on the immediate needs which you find critical to meet?  Are we defining our own personal success primarily by the amount of money we make (with the caveat that we are earning what we need to and perhaps a bit more)  or are there any other markers that we value as much?  More importantly, do we inculcate that philosophy to the people that we are charged with developing and growing?

What are the stories of compassion that balance the perpetual theme of acquiring stuff?  How well-rounded are the people we know and work with?  Where do the paths of wisdom and management-speak meet?  I may not be articulating this well – I am trying to avoid the cliché of saying that we all do the right thing everyday, and instead suggest that compassion, morality, critical thought are as essential to the development of a thriving workforce than any other issues of which we speak.  And it takes thought and planning and commitment to the larger theme of lifelong education.  Challenging our children, our friends, ourselves to consider where we are placing our priorities as we enter in and out of the chapters of our lives.  That to me, is what reading the whole book is all about.

inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Making Up For Lost Time

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I’m not exactly sure how one does that – make up for lost time.  Perhaps one begins by recognizing that future moments must be met with arms wide open and an abandon that we typically temper with reason.  While I was away I received two blogger awards which I wanted to acknowledge in a separate post, because both of these women are so remarkable that their stories deserve more mention than I could provide in yesterday’s posts.

I received the One Lovely Blogger Award from the remarkable woman who writes the blog workthedream.com.  danLrene is a woman with remarkable spirit and humor – despite or maybe because of – significant physical challenges that she refuses to use as definitions for who she is.  She realized her dream of living in the mountains and her journey often left me shaking my head with wonder and respect.  On her post is a quote which typifies her beliefs – ‘dare to dream of a greater thing than you can imagine’.  With bright red leg brace, portable oxygen unit and a heart that probably is larger than the mountain range itself, she moves forward with spirit and generosity.  I am humbled that she would find the time to read my blog, let alone accord me with such an acknowledgement.

The Illuminating Blogger Award was graciously given to me by Dr. Sherry Showalter who pens a blog titled keepinitreal.com.  Dr. Sherry is a spiritual wonder woman.  With a PhD and L.C.S.W, she has devoted her life to providing caregiving and advocacy for patients and families coping with loss, death and bereavement.  Serendipitously, I won her book “Healing Heartaches” in a random drawing – though I wonder now whether it was truly happenstance.  Her blog is a free form, stream of conscious shout-out to life and her loving exuberance demands that you smile – she will not settle for less.  The post she wrote in which she acknowledged my blog, was really more about a young man who is no longer receiving treatment for his terminal illness. I was riveted and sad and thankful that he has the power of Dr. Sherry with him.   He is a remarkable spirit and I wept for his impending journey and his family who are facing this reality with him.  Her compassion and passion envelop each word and each request that we hold this child in our thoughts.  Interestingly, this post was more formally written than usual – and appropriately so.  I think of him each morning and send up a little prayer.   Dr. Sherry is part Native American spiritual healer, part good ol’ girl from southern Virginia (and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways) and all live-affirming energy.

I know there are rules to these awards, but somehow inconsequential factoids about me seem to dilute the stories of both of these women.  This post is for them –  remarkable women who have entered my life through their words, spirit and wonder.  And I am very, very grateful to them both.

friendship, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, management, mindfulness, motivation, work life

Which Way Wednesday – You Choose

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I love this story, having heard and read it many times before.  You probably have too.  The imagery put me off a little at first – using wolves as the metaphor for our two inner selves.  I associate wolves with aggressiveness,  fearlessness and a very hostile reaction to Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother, despite my awareness that they are also nurturing, protective and inclined to stay with their pack.  So retrospectively – it seems the analogy is perfect, doesn’t it?

We choose everyday.  Certainly in the law firm environment in which I worked, I saw far more self-serving behavior than anything else.  The intensity of the competition, the race to be the best, the ego needs that demanded assuaging, the unspoken reality that you ‘eat-what-you-kill’.  The challenge – which was honestly fun to accept – was choosing to remain part of the firm’s collective conscience.  Did I do this perfectly?  Absolutely not.  Was the lure of inferiority nipping at my heels – you’re kidding, right?  This is me.  Of course it did.  And did I act at times out of anger?  Yes although probably more in a passive aggressive way, because in that regard I’m wrapped pretty tight.

This isn’t about me though – it’s about you.  Do you realize the elements within you that aren’t aligned – the ‘ fight’ if you will for emotional sustenance, attention and control that wrestles within you?  Certainly it is far preferable to feed the goodness, cultivate it, share it – make it the stronger part of who you are, so that you look upon the end of each day as one you lived well.  Sometimes though, we do feed the wrong elements of our being – do you know when you’re doing it?  When at work?  At home?  How does it reinforce the perception that others have of you?  Thoughts for a Wednesday morning, considerations for a lifetime?  Choose well today my friends and make it a good day.

 

friendship, humor, life lessons, love

Of Love and Turtles and Lifetimes, Oh My!

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Catching up from one weekend away is really quite overwhelming.  There was some news though which still has me reeling –  I’m sure you saw or read about it as well – the break up of Bibi and Poldi.  A greater love story has never been told.  Two giant turtles joined together by circumstance, lust or a mutual affection for grape leaves can no longer abide each other’s presence, let alone give each other a kiss good morning.

Bibi’s the one who wants out.  She’s become quite the nasty old girl – she bit Poldi’s shell and basically told him to get out.  Unfortunately, even if Poldi had a place to go, it would take him about a month to make any progress towards the door.  Their caregivers (for at their age, you really can’t call these people anything other than ‘caregivers’) have tried many interventions – marital counseling, turtle aphrodisiacs (I have no idea what these are – Cialis?  Dark chocolate and strawberries?),  I even think someone penned a love letter to Bibi on Poldi’s behalf.  Nothing’s worked – no medically reinforced erection, the chocolate upset their digestive tracts and Poldi ate the letter.  Yes, I made up the last part.

I wonder whether we’ve really given them enough time or too much time?  I mean, do we know when Bibi really fell out of love?  Given the speed with which things happen in Turtledom, she might have been enduring a loveless union for the last fifty years – in which case, I think biting her spouse was a pretty mild response.  Can one really blame her for being tired of looking at the same wrinkled face day after day, year after year? Making the same breakfast, withstanding the same lack of table manners – not even getting a “thank you honey” for over a century?  One hundred and fifteen years of waiting for the rock to be moved, a birthday to be remembered, maybe an understanding hug in lieu of a mechanical climb up her back which takes so long, he forgets what he’s doing up there, and she falls asleep feeling like the weight of the world is on her shoulders?  Can you blame the poor girl?  When is enough enough?  I am confident that if she gets a good turtle lawyer (like Raoul Felder dressed as a Ninja Turtle)  she’ll be able to live her remaining six hundred years in peace.

And Poldi?  My hunch is that he wouldn’t mind a little more peace and quiet either.  A hundred years ago, she was a helluva looker, with bedroom eyes and a smile that would melt anybody’s shell.  Now she’s just a bitter, hormonal kvetch who finds fault with everything he does.  Not to mention that she could use a few more trips to the gym.  And if he had bitten her – the turtle police would have been all over him.  He’d just as soon trade her in for a newer model if anyone would bother to ask him.

I still say that one hundred fifteen years of matrimony is arguably a success – even if they end up divorcing.  I think they really gave it the yeoman’s try.  That said, they should be sure before they begin mediation – take some time, think it through, see if there is anything left to salvage.  You know what they say – love takes time.

friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love

Lighten Up Tuesday

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I spoke to my husband for the first time twenty-one years ago today (or yesterday, I’m not the best with dates).  Long story short – I had just stepped on a bee, the boys were running around like Max in his wolf suit times two, dinner was burning and the phone rang.  After explaining that it wasn’t really a great time to talk, he asked what I was doing later in the week.  My response? “Nothing much”  His response?  “I’ll be out-of-town for the rest of the week”.  In my head I was yelling “then why the hell did you just ask me what I was doing all week?”, but I let it slide – my foot was swelling, we clearly weren’t going to get past this conversation and someone, anyone needed to go into time out.

Needless to say we spoke a lot while he was away and upon his return.  We’re coming up on twenty years of marriage – a stunning number to me.  He will tell you that I still have a pair of sneakers in the garage in case I need to run away; I will tell you that he can still tune me out better than anyone I’ve ever known.  We’re both right and we’re both wrong.  He lets me keep the sneakers outside so I feel I have the choice; I don’t press to be listened to unless I really need his attention.  We make each other crazy and we keep each other sane.  At the risk of cliché – we may not light up the sky, but we try to remember that we are here to light each other’s way.  And that’s pretty damn wonderful.   I hope your day is very well-lit and warmed with love  – as corny as that may be.  Happy Tuesday all..

anxiety, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness

Sometimes History Bears Repeating

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I drove back from the camp reunion yesterday.  That sounds so silly – a camp reunion.  The last time I had been there was oh, 38 years ago plus or minus.  I’ll cut to the end in case you need to know the ending first – I had a far, far better time than my anxieties suggested I would.

The hills seemed steeper, the bunk beds lower.  The stage I sang on – waaaay smaller.  I was recognized and remembered by people who I was sure considered me totally inconsequential.  I had the chance to see women-who-were-once-girls – my girls, and I hugged them with almost the same proprietary sense of love that I felt for them when they thought I was tall (at a whopping 4’11”) and they were indeed quite small.  I was astounded by some people who spoke of the difference I made while I was there – for such comments came from people who I was sure barely knew I existed.

In some ways so much was the same, and in other ways history was rewritten with a gentle hand.  The delicate balance between the teen-aged me and the adult me remained carefully calibrated to prevent any old hurts from reappearing.  And yet, I discovered that such protection wasn’t necessary, for that which I remembered had been softened and altered by others’ oral histories.   Time has been generous with people’s memories of me and permits me to think far more kindly of those summers when I was sure that I had one foot perpetually outside the ‘cool’ circle.  I did – and now it is okay – then, it was torture.

The girls?  The girls are still all incredible.  A writer (who along with her partner suffered my ambivalence with such kindness – and a little wine –  over the weekend), a talent agent and producer, moms, doctors, teachers,  non-profit volunteers.  Most happily married, some perhaps not; some  struggling with health challenges, others with tales of survival.  We spoke of our own kids, ranging in age from pre-teen to adult.  The guys?  Warm, funny, far more expansive as grown ups (and I’m not talking waist size) – and they’ve learned how to hug with heart.

It’s a funny kind of withdrawal one has when driving away with adolescence so clearly visible in the rear view mirror.  I cried as I waved goodbye, confident that with my high level of immaturity, I would see that girl again soon.  But the others who crowded my heart as I left?  Who knows what surprises life holds?  It is true though – they have never left my heart.

 

anxiety, friendship, humor, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

Guess What Finally Arrived? FRIDAY!!!

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Something tells me it’s going to be a wonderful Friday – and the perfect lead-in for a terrific weekend.  At least, that’s what I wish for you (and me too).  I’m off to a camp reunion.  Yes, the campers I haven’t seen in 40 years and I will hug as if they were still 8, and my peers who understandably won’t remember me because, well..because I was pretty forgettable.  This is me taking on something way out of my comfort zone, if you can’t tell.  Nonetheless, I’m off…So enjoy your weekend all, savor the thought that your best day hasn’t even happened yet.   I hope you let me know when it finds you.

friendship, inspiration, life lessons, love

You Are What You Feel – And I Feel Really Good…

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..right now.  Doesn’t mean I always feel good, but in this moment, I am happy, thankful, giggly and humbled.  And I’m lucky or blessed – or both.  I am the recipient of another award – and this really feels like an embarrassment of riches.

A word though about the person who acknowledged me in this wonderful way.

I received the Reader Appreciation Award from supertucksmama.  I read her blog as often as she posts.  She wrote that my blog “..keeps [her] spirits lifted.  Daily.  Promise.”  The irony is that she so inspires me.  Her heart reveals itself in her words, she offers up the beauty and the frustrations of motherhood;  her challenges in raising a super hero are palpable, her commitment to educating her readership about autism unparalleled and she embraces it all with the passion that only Super Tuck’s mama could have.  I am the better for being allowed to share in a small part of her life, her generosity, humor and spirit.  Nope, we’ve never met, yet she is arguably one of those incredibly special people that enter your life in a serendipitous way.  My thanks to her are huge, and she is deserving of those thanks many times over.  Please check out her blog when you get a moment.  You’ll be the better for it.  Promise.

I will answer the questions that are attached to receiving this award and nominate others in my next post.  Today though I just wanted to say thank you and spend a moment sending a big hug to Tuck’s mom.

anxiety, inspiration, leadership, life lessons, management, mindfulness, motivation, training, work life

Stress Much?

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Whenever I used to frown, my mom would say “Don’t do that, your face will stay that way.”  She was right – the picture above is a self-portrait.  That’s not true – I only mildly resemble a sharpei.  But you do get my point.  Depending upon the success of my nights in the arms of Morpheus (I love that line), I can wake up with a start, my brain flitting through the worries du jour, the have-tos that I neglected to do the day before (which I realize diminished their importance as obligations) and the ‘should have dones’ that didn’t even register.  Once I have coffee, all bets are off and I wave the white flag because my mind begins to travel at a speed that has yet to be measured scientifically.  Perhaps I have a bionic brain – the thoughts fly with the speed of sound, I just don’t necessarily get anywhere.

I’ve reached the point though where I can laugh at this (btw, in the picture above I am laughing – can you tell?).  These exercises in self-flagellation are futile, and bear nothing like those scenes in “Fifty Shades Of Grey” where ostensibly everyone is enjoying the experience far more than me, and their vocalizations don’t resemble my “Oh damn” or “I can’t believe I forgot to do that – you dummy”.  Sometimes I say things even worse, but no need to repeat them here.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  We know better.  We know it is better to step back, breathe, prioritize and discard the non-essential.  I’ll go a step farther – we also know this is learned behavior, and as such can be ‘unlearned’.  I think there is something self-reinforcing in experiencing this kind of stress.  In a convoluted way it reminds us that we’re important, our contributions matter – within the circle of our life, our actions are critical to keeping the cosmic wheel turning.  Is that enough of a motivator to keep stressing ourselves out?  Um…no.  Because in the final analysis, our ‘musts’ are not about fundamental survival, coordinating organ transplants (unless you’re an organ transplant doctor, in which case I apologize) or responding to life or death situations.  We are creating this level of pressure in our own minds.  It isn’t until the you-know-what hits the fan that we realize that we’ve been stressing over things that are overblown in our own minds.

We are making ourselves slightly crazy.  And our sanity rests to a large degree in our perception of how big our requirements loom.  If we accept that every routine day is  inevitably disrupted multiple times, some things don’t go as planned and other events are out of our control.  So be it.  Perhaps we can gain some control over what we choose to get exorcised about.  Maybe today we can start our day differently – committing to ourselves that as involved as we are going to get in our day, we are not going to let it gain zombie-control over our life (my understanding is that once you give a zombie control of anything, they pretty much grab the whole enchilada).  When our tendency is to over-react to the problems in front of us, instead we will create some distance so that we can look at them for what they really are.  One challenge at a time, fix it and move on.  Maybe we can honestly acknowledge the days that seem to pass without asap incidents or increases in blood pressure, for there are those too – and it doesn’t mean you’re not a diligent, capable and important.

Just try it and let me know how it goes.  Let me know what happens when you take a step back instead of running directly into the fray.  If I have any success with this, I’ll let you know too.  Unless I am attacked by a zombie, in which case all bets are off.