Each year I swear this isn’t going to happen…as the days tick down I steel myself. At this point my emotional armor is ostensibly secure and unyielding. I am prepared for battle and I will emerge victorious. Hallmark – you’re going down.
And I see the commercial where all these ‘moms’ (in quotes for I don’t really know if they are moms) look into the camera and implore their kids to ‘just’ – “just tell me you’re proud of me”, “just tell me I’m doing this right”, “just tell me you love me”, “just tell me I matter to you”…and I dissolve into a weeping fool. My steely protection melts, my waterproof mascara fails miserably (note to cosmetic companies – I would be a good tester for your waterproof eye makeup) and as I gulp, I curse the fact that yet again they got me. Dammit.
I’m great in a crisis – if you need someone stoic, calm and focused, call me. Give me a love story, a happy ending – no matter how predictable, expressions of affection and/or appreciation and I’m an embarrassment. Although I realize this dates me, I cried during the last five minutes of “The Trouble With Angels” when Hayley Mills decided to become a nun. Let’s not even talk about “The Parent Trap”, “Dumbo”…
The Trouble with Angels (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There are other commercials airing here that press my emotional buttons too, but Hallmark represents all of those advertisers that are thriving by making saps like me cry. Shame on you. I’m a mom – I don’t think you’re supposed to reduce me to tears and have me feel stupid for doing so simultaneously. I don’t begrudge any holiday – prepackaged or otherwise – which encourages people to acknowledge their love for one another. I’ve really been blessed with the relationships I have with my sons – and we have always been generously affectionate and articulate about our feelings for each other. I’m completely crazy about them, proud of the men they are, enthralled by their stories and thankful that they still want to share them with me. I love the women they have chosen to share their journeys and relish the time I have with them too.
And if I’m going to cry thinking about Mother’s Day, that’s what I’d like to cry about. This indescribable love that grabs me by the throat, the sensory memories I have of my babies after bath time, their giggles before their voices changed and their dirty jokes after their voices changed, their delight when they eclipsed me in height, little hands hugging my neck, singing to them at night and sloppy kisses that would leave my cheeks smudged and wet…
There are thousands upon thousands of moments in a lifetime that I would rather cry over and a Hallmark commercial isn’t one of them. Yet I have not figured out a way to steel myself from the trite advertisements for love, which in and of themselves somehow minimize what is in my heart. So until we get past Sunday, I think I’ll leave the tv off, avoid the card store and just look forward to seeing the kids over the weekend.
When I was a newly minted teacher (please bear in mind, I started working when I was three), I was told that the word ‘don’t’ was anathema, verboten, that-which-is-never-said when disciplining young children. So, instead of saying “Jennifer, don’t run in the hall”, the correct guidance was “Jennifer – walk”. “No shouting” became “Use your inside voice”. On the one hand, I thought this was really trite and yet theoretically it seemed reasonable. It was harder to change my speech pattern than I thought; frequently used vocabulary become habitual. Ultimately, this one lesson has remained in my head throughout my career. In your day-to-day conversations, do you think of how you’re framing your comments? Have you listened to yourself lately? Do your words inspire or deflate?
There are two incredibly demoralizing and powerful words that are regularly invoked in conversations – “no” and “but“. I realize that there are times when both are necessary. That said, there are more occasions than not when their utilization causes a far more adverse impact than we may intend. How many people do you know begin their sentences with the word “no’? If you listen, you will find that many do. Even when agreeing with someone, a response often begins with a negative. A recent example of a conversation with my son:
“Hi sweetie pie, how are you?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Are you going to go see ________?”
“No, yeah in a little while.”
Though you could toss this up to idiosyncratic conversation, I can regale you with more examples in the workplace, at dinner with friends, in any number of environments than you would care to read. We are in the habit of saying ‘no’ first. When providing someone with feedback, we invoke the word ‘but’ as we try to give someone objective, constructive observations of his/her performance. “The quality of your presentations are excellent, but you need to increase your productivity”. As soon as the word ‘but’ is introduced into the sentence, the positive sentiment is diminished – if not completely forgotten. And yet we do this all the time – at work, home, wherever…In my presentations I ask people to insert the word ‘and‘ in place of ‘but’ – the perception of the sentence changes remarkably. At the end of the day there is no one without strengths and weaknesses. As a developer of people’s’ abilities, it is your responsibility to find the most effective way to encourage growth and improvement. Leave out the ‘but’ – try it. It’s harder than it seems.
I further challenge you to count the times you say the word ‘no’ in a day. Chances are you often don’t even think about or mean it, you’ve just incorporated into your pattern. It takes little thought to recognize the impact of our words. Arguably they are more important than ever before given that we live in a time when we speak with each other less and less, and assume people’s’ intents from 145 characters.
Conversations at Vermillion (Photo credit: JeanineAnderson)
But don’t take my word for it – no, you really should find out for yourself.
I like the term ‘super moon’ – it suggests that the moon can be even better than it typically is. It is more than a catalyst for hundreds of songs, more than the provider of the perfect aerial glow under which millions of first kisses take on magical qualities and so much more than the man who lives there.
It’s a Super Moon. It can do anything. I stared at it last night for a long time, marveling at the larger space it assumed in the night sky. It defiantly shone through the clouds that tried to minimize its impressiveness; the clouds didn’t have a chance. I made a wish – after all, if one wishes on the first star in the night sky, isn’t is possible that when the moon is feeling super, it may be equally accommodating? I figured it couldn’t hurt. I hedged my bets though – I kept my star wish, my silently spoken prayers and if I walked around with salt, I would have thrown some over my shoulder for good measure. None of that diminished my awe at the magnified brilliance of the moon – it reflected its light insistently and I for one couldn’t argue the point. It was the Super-est of Moons.
Once again David Kanigan provided the best thoughts for a Sunday morning. I can say happily that some of these you have read about in my posts – but nowhere are they more eloquently put than in this summary from an article by Tony Schwartz. Big thanks to David for sharing this with everyone!
“Humility is underrated…deepening self-awareness is essential to freeing ourselves from reactive habitual behaviors…
“Notice the good – we carry an evolutionary disposition to dwell on on what’s wrong – take time each day to notice what right and to feel grateful
“Never seek your value at the expense of others…devaluing the person will only prompt more of the same in return”
“Slow down. Speed is the enemy of nearly everything in life that really matters. It’s addictive and it undermines quality, compassion, depth, creativity, appreciation and real relationship.”
Saturdays should begin softly and slowly…no gulping coffee before running out the door, an extra moment to notice that the sun is making its presence known and realize that right now, in this quiet, gentle moment – it’s all good.
Soon enough the rush-to-run-errands-take-kids-to-practice-stop-by-the-gas-station-find-time-for-the-gym will begin. Until then – send out your happy dance, it’s today.
It’s 1:45 in the morning and I’m sitting here at the Knights’ Round Table, with a cup of coffee and a heavy, unbreakable silence that pervades the house. Even the Knights have dispensed with their evening wanderings — ensuring that the kingdom is secure before retiring to their abodes (e.g., my bed). The last training session for this program ended today…um, yesterday, and my mind is racing with post-mortem thoughts that needed a place to go.
(In case you’re wondering I don’t look nearly as refreshed as this woman does)
I have told you about the level of engagement of the participants, the richness of our dialogue and the development of professional bonds which will likely continue and thrive. On this, our last ‘official’ time together, the group surprised me (which is rare – I don’t ‘surprise’ easily). I returned to the conference room after making a phonecall, and there they were standing together by the door, snapping their fingers and singing “we love you” (the melody was unclear but it definitely had a beat because everyone was dancing. So…I danced too..) To make this brief, we were laughing and I was fumbling around with my sense of wonder when they gifted me with a memory to last a lifetime. They told me they thought I was terrific and wanted to thank me for our sessions. A gift of personalized stationery and a custom made t-shirt with a motto of mine (that’s a secret which will be revealed in another post). What was just as astonishing were the personal messages each person wrote on a card to me. Expressions of appreciation for the program and hopes for continued dialogue, one person called meeting me a ‘blessing’, every one commenting upon the impact the course had on them and their delight with the content and me as the facilitator. I don’t want to overstate the incredible feeling this evoked in me, nor do I want to make this post about me. It’s about them
You know how much energy I received from their collective and individual enthusiasm. You can imagine the loyalty that I feel towards such a devoted group, and how much I want for them to continue striving to be the best managers in their offices. And they will. At one point, J asked me, “so what motivates you”? And I realized that for me there is nothing more gratifying than positive connections. I facilitated a program – their interest in the content fed my enthusiasm, my soul and my sense of purpose. We can impact many, we can impact one. And if fortune is kind, and those moments become integrated into a person’s way of doing business, his/her approach to others and their lives in general, then they have hit my motivational sweet spot. These participants nailed it every Thursday – and yesterday gave me more than I feel I can ever return (but will continue to try).
I am sorry for their senior managers who don’t recognize the quality in their ranks, the innovative thoughts and strategies that are simmering on the back burners of ‘those in the trenches’. If you don’t seek feedback from your direct reports about what they are seeing, what alternative approaches they are considering and whatever out-of-the-box ideas that are constantly germinating in the minds of those seeking to enhance and engage the workplace, you are missing the greatest resources available to you. The workplace is morphing before our eyes – our challenge is to respond with forethought and consideration. It serves no productive purpose to wait until the tidal wave of change washes over our offices and we are left shell-shocked and reacting to change far too late to do more than clean up the mess. We have some tough decisions to make over the next few years – our staffing paradigms will change, virtual management is no longer a thirty minute sit-com called “Max Headroom” – it’s a reality. Technology is allowing clients to demand 24/7 availability while it is also removing our gift of dialogue and the nuance of the written word. The values upon which most firms were founded no longer hold up under scrutiny (hello Dewey LeBoeuf). Who will respond to these waves of change? People like those who attended this workshop. These are the people who will do the hard prep if you ask them, ask provocative questions before they become moot and who truly want to create the best professional environment possible. I send them love and thanks – they taught me so much and in exchange I feel like I really gave so little. I only offered my time, some insight that experience and training have afforded me, and a genuine focus on their development. It was my responsibility and my privilege. When they return to their offices, I hope someone in a senior position does his/her job – listen to what these people have to say – and consider acting on their ideas. I will miss them next Thursday, but I will remember them forever.
Before I head off for the last of the current Thursday training classes, I wanted to send you a “Happy Thursday” and a thought for the day…Personally? I’ve met my share of people who I wished would go climb the nearest tree – but it wasn’t because of their mental acuity. Excel in your realm; at the least have a good day.
When Eric Clapton did a cover of the song “Serve Somebody”, it was clear he was talking spiritually. It’s one of my favorite songs and I fold into the music and the words like Gumby (note to those reading this who are too young to remember Gumby, Eddie Murphy skits where he is pretending to
be Gumby or the cartoon show based on the character – I’m sorry).
This is Gumby..
…he has nothing to do with this post..
In the context of this commentary, when I reference ‘serving somebody’, I’m talking about work. After all, we all report to someone – a boss, a management board, committee, owners, clients, etc. I have written about my perspective on management’s responsibilities; I have not been as prolific about the corollary – the responsibility of direct reports.
There is an interesting article in “Inc” magazine titled “8 Things Great Bosses Demand From Their Employees” By Geoffrey James. In brief, James maintains that the following represent the most important expectations an employer has of his/her direct reports:
“1. Be true to your word
2. No surprises, ever
3. Be prepared on the details
4. Take your job seriously
5. Have your boss’ back
6. Provide solutions, not complaints
7. Communicate in plain language
8. Know your real job”
Recognizing that direct reports could say the same things about their bosses, my view is that the list for them is longer and a bit different. That said, if both groups could successfully meet these eight expectations, I think most organizations would be way ahead of the game. Given that everyone answers to someone – what do you think of this list? Does it seem reasonable? Doable? Do you take these expectations on, or are you waiting for your boss to do so (in which case, I would strongly recommend that you go ahead and do the right thing – it will serve you better in the long run). What’s missing? Regardless of where you are within your business community, I’d love to hear from you. If we can make our work environment better, why not try to do so!
I don’t believe that I’ve read a better self-help post in the past year. Tony Schwartz turned 60 and these are his reflections. He is the author of 
Waiting for the Karma Truck 