anxiety, friendship, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

An Exercise In Good Thought

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I’m not sure how many of you remember the Saturday Night Live skits with Stuart Smalley.  His tag line was “I’m good enough.  I’m smart enough.  And doggone it, people like me.”  A somewhat insipid character in a blue cardigan and bad toupee routinely talking to himself in a mirror.  Somehow in retrospect it doesn’t sound very funny, but it became part of our social lexicon for a while.

When I was in grad school learning the ins and outs of various therapeutic interventions, I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. David Burns – one of the pre-eminent practitioners of cognitive therapy.  Although his lecture listed towards the yawning, he was a delightful person to speak with one-on-one.  I was nervous; he was not.  My tendency in these situations is to be as self-deprecating as possible – far better that I expose my multiple flaws before anyone else does.  And as I was tripping over my tongue with phenomenally irrelevant bits of personal data, I stopped and said, “I guess you’d suggest I change the tape in my head, huh?”  At which point he laughed and nodded and moved on to less neurotic company.

Our ability to self-criticize is legendary.  People have written about it for years.  Woody Allen made his fortune exposing various elements of his imperfect self-perceptions to his audiences.  We can repeat certain tapes in our heads throughout our lives – never considering their veracity, shelf life or relevance.  I can hear certain voices in my head (relax, I’m not talking delusional here) that have asserted themselves on my self-image ever since I was a kid.  They still carry weight and define how I perceive myself.  I know on some level that it’s fiction.  I know it isn’t healthy.  And on some level I know I have to change the tape.  It hasn’t done me any good since I hit the ‘play’ button.  I mean come on, tapes are obsolete – what the hell am I doing with a cassette recorder in my head!!

There’s an element of ‘fake-it-til-you-make-it’ to cognitive therapy.  Changing the message that you have reacted to for years, replacing it with one that is more accurate, timely and of your own design sounds relatively benign.  The hard work comes into play as you exercise your mind (that sounded a little like Timothy Leary, didn’t it?)  – recognizing what thoughts promote feelings of insecurity and negative self-worth – and having the wherewithal to change them.  The theory is that we react emotionally to what we think, not vice versa.  You have to get into the habit of telling yourself the truth – and see how your heart responds to that reality.

This isn’t a paean to cognitive therapy, Dr. David Burns or Stuart Smalley.  It is a paean to you – for chances are good that some of what you react to through the course of a typical day has little to do with the moment itself and everything to do with some antiquated message that is integrated into your thought patterns.  You are smart enough and good enough and I’m pretty damn confident that people like you.  What are you going to do to like yourself?

 

humor, life lessons

A Tuesday Musing – And My 100th Post

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I tire of the Kardashians

The wanna-bes and might-have-beens

The housewives of the suburbs wealthy

Are caricatures of the less than healthy

Today the news broke with a sigh

That Justin Bieber ‘s camera shy

He decked a photographer while in LA

Then promptly left to tour Norway

Let’s not address the hostile drone

That Gaga’s a Madonna clone

Tom Cruise has a four octave range

He may be cute, but he’s also strange

I swear to you this all made the news

My ears just ache, my brain feels bruised

If this represents what we want to know

I think a desert island’s the way to go.

humor, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

One Of Those Nights

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I’m sure you know what I mean – one of those nights which just blends into the morning uninterrupted but for about an hour or so of sleep.  Although I will undoubtedly feel the effects later today, I have to tell you – it was a great night.  No epiphanies (admittedly rare for a Jewish person to experience, but occasionally I come up with something really good);  my body continued to rebel against the stubborn heat, with more parts aching than I even knew I had;  Sirs Arch & Theodore definitively won the battle for space on the couch, allowing me just enough room for them to sprawl on top of and/or and next to me.  I know, I could nudge them aside, but I never do – I’m a ridiculous mom, even for furry, four-legged members of our family.

But here’s the coolest thing…When I walked the dogs at around 1:00 or so, I looked up at the sky.  The stars seemed to be taking their places in the black expanse as if they knew where they were supposed to be.  Everywhere I looked, they were popping out and appearing to move from one point to another, jockeying to make sure that they were in their rightful place.  A starlit sky is breathtaking, one in which the stars seem to be waking up and assuming their nighttime positions is amazing.  And it got better – the fireflies were out en masse as well.  I was out there long enough to figure out that they don’t light arbitrarily.  I think they’re playing ‘Marco Polo’.  One yells ‘Marco’, while others flit through the sky before responding ‘Polo’.  I have a hunch the game continued long after we went inside, though I was hypnotized by all of this activity for quite awhile.  The night was resplendent with light and dancing and mischievous activity.  I stood there grinning like an idiot, convinced I had just seen the most magical of sights.

So much for a sleepless night with vapid tv choices.  The view from outside was so lively and magnificent, I would have stayed out all night.  Would have of course, if the mosquitoes had been asleep.

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The most fitting words and image for today – and one for which I take no credit. Thank you to Boblobslaw. And thank you to all who deserve our unending appreciation and remembrance today.

Technical Guru's avatarThe Digital Garden


The Rising Sun of Hope to all of those who have served. To all of those who have lost someone, or something.

The ones still risking.
The ones still bearing heavy burdens.
The ones seeking Glory.
The ones who seek to Protect.
The ones who seek and destroy, Our enemies.
The ones who will endlessly be never-ending.
The ones who go unspoken.
The ones who are recognized.
The ones who don’t know.
The ones who are one.
We are One.

This is a dedication to our Veterans, and Active service military.

The Rising Sun is a Hope that I hope gets granted to all of those who deserve such remarkable admiration on this day.

Please spread this article, and image to all of those you know who have served, and are still serving.

The Rising Sun still gives HOPE.

 

This Piece of Art, and following writing was created by me…

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humor, inspiration, life lessons, love, mindfulness, parenting

So Lucky Saturday

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I don’t think I have more fun than hanging with my kids.  Last night two of the three plus daughters-in-law were here for dinner, celebrating a birthday and anniversary (not mine).  Easing into the weekend with a lot of laughter,  some serous sidebars and multiple chances to wrap  my arms around these amazing people who I love with all that I have and then some.

Adult children don’t necessarily say adorable, wondrous things that can delight both parent and reader.  Their bodies no longer resemble the round, magically smelling perfection that I can still remember with all my senses.  They have to bend down to kiss me – a completely inverted calculation.  And yet, as often as we see each other (which is thankfully, often), as easily as we still share the thoughts in our heads and the secrets of our hearts – I am always left in tears when they head back to their homes.  I cry with gratitude – they are the most remarkable people; I cry with disbelief, for I truly don’t know where the time has gone (I mean really – have you seen me lately?  Who would think I would have a 30, 28 and 25 year old) and I cry because every time they go away, I want to keep them with me.  Corny stuff, huh?  I know, but there is no other way for love like this to be articulated – we’re past poopy diaper jokes, dirty baseball uniforms and unexpectedly found condom wrappers.  What we’re left with is a perfectly imperfect family, that continues to return to itself to restore, renew and reaffirm this story which is as old as time itself.

My boys…my boys…

friendship, inspiration, life lessons, mindfulness

You Made It!!

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If you’re traveling this weekend, be safe.  If you’re hanging out this weekend, relish it.   Whatever you do, laugh a lot, eat yummy stuff, revel in the love of your family and friends.  If you’re barbecuing – make sure you have charcoal or propane before you’re ready to grill.  Sleep in, rise early.  Relish that you have the choice.  Whatever you do – enjoy.  And for my son, who was in Baghdad a few short years ago – I will take a moment to be grateful for those who have served the USA with courage, conviction and enormous sacrifice.  For my dad and my father-in-law, I will pause and honor the reality that as young kids they enlisted en masse to end a war that was to end war.  And I  will also bow my head and wonder for a little while, why we can’t learn from history.

This is a crazy world we live in – enjoy your weekend to the max!

humor, inspiration, leadership, management, mindfulness, training, work life

The-Thursday-Before-The-Friday-Of-A-Long-Weekend

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This is the kind of day where people either squeeze as much work into their day as possible so that they can leave the office early tomorrow or begin coasting because the prospect of a long weekend is so tempting there’s little else to think about.  Either way you go (and I would venture to guess that there are very few who defiantly reside somewhere in the middle), own your day.  Everyone has times when they just can’t intensely focus on the work in front of them.  Conversely, our concentration is not always laser-like, powered by energy and commitment.  Just raise your hand and own it –  so that others don’t feel isolated by your focus or annoyed at your laissez-faire, possibly misunderstanding your actions completely.

It’s funny how such candor is anathema in the workplace.  Somehow it’s not ok to have an ‘off’ day. That just defies reality.  Rather than reflecting authenticity, people will try to maintain an illusion of busy-ness at all times.  One of the many things I loved about most of the people I worked with was their willingness – and trust in me – to be able to admit when their heads were elsewhere, if a project was just sapping their enthusiasm, or if they were crushing to make a deadline and needed more hands.  I have no illusions looking back, which is why I inserted the word “most”.  I had my share of coasters and boasters, people who were hell-bent on kidding me almost as much as they were kidding themselves.  I still believe that allowing people the room to move within the rhythm of their lives when possible is the far better way to go.  I was able to keep my headcount low, people cross-trained and facile by creating an environment which emphasized personal ownership of the day ahead.  And laughter – yeah, there was a lot of laughter.  And an enormous amount of  individual and collective effort.  All it took was encouraging people to raise their hands.

discretion, humor, inspiration, leadership, management, motivation, work life

“Bridesmaids” Management Lessons

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I know, it’s been awhile since I shared with you the many management lessons I learn while at the movies.  Yet as I watched Kristen Wiig dance her good-byes on SNL last Saturday, I remembered all that I gleaned from the deeply thoughtful, multi-layered and dare I say profound movie “Bridesmaids”.  Perhaps not as obtuse as Bergman, but this was her first screenplay after all.  I am sure this hasn’t been covered by Harvard Business Review because they are still debating the finer points of the movie.  So, I will offer them up first because I need not discuss this with anybody before I publish it…

1.  Just because you hand-pick some people to be part of your team, until they achieve a consistent rhythm of accomplishment through collaboration, they are merely a group.  It’s best to engage (ha – no pun intended) people with different personalities and strengths, for the synergy will be heightened.  So do the odds of potential discord – your challenge involves keeping everyone on track and focused on the goal.  If a group is left on their own too soon,  they may go out for tainted food and spend the afternoon in the bathroom.  Not a very productive outcome.

2.  Drinking is not a productive bonding activity.  As someone who used to conduct seminars on an employer’s commitment to equal employment opportunities and sexual harassment prevention, many of the examples provided involved social/work situations and alcohol.  When you’re with the team and when they’re with each other, everyone is on the company clock.  As inconvenient as that may be, it’s also the reality of the workplace.  Maybe you should consider bowling?

3.  Don’t accept medication from people you don’t really get along with.

4.  Realize that trust is an earned emotion and do whatever you can to make sure that it is never compromised.  I’ve often said that it is the foundation of every successful relationship – professional or personal.  It is also indicative of behavior that is consistent, reliable, informed and well-intended.  Most critically though – it is fragile – and difficult to restore when broken.

5.  Friends don’t let friends wallow.  Neither do really good supervisors.  Before you write-off a well-established employee, make sure you know whether a decline in performance is a result of a recent change in circumstances.  If you can help him/her – do so.  Performance does not sustain on a consistently positive trajectory – life gets in the way, bad days gets in the way, tragedy gets in the way.  We have to move past the perception that everyone’s performance gets better and better and better every day, month, year.  It’s just not true.

One last thought,  unless you’re Melissa McCarthy I don’t recommend trying to pick up a U.S. Marshall when traveling on business.

What you do on your own time, is entirely up to you.

Next movie moment?  Not sure – I’m thinking  “Star Wars” or “Snakes On A Plane”…More movie and management reviews to come…

humor, life lessons, mindfulness

Will Your Way Through Wednesday

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Three days of rainy, humid, grey makes the appeal of pulling my covers over my head very seductive.  I need to find my ’embrace the moment’ spirit … sigh, maybe after coffee.  The good news is – we made it to Hump Day and I feel it is my duty to at least start your day with a smile.  And if you don’t feel like smiling – try – it makes your endorphins happy (and if you’ve never seen a happy endorphin, you’re really missing something)..

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Tuesday Teases

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The sun will play second fiddle to the rain and clouds again today.  I guess the choice is to turn over and go back to sleep or start the day with a smile and accept that my hair will frizz, I’m going to get wet and I won’t melt.  Here’s a morning smile for you…

inspiration, leadership, management, mindfulness, motivation, training, work life

Creating A Masterpiece

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There’s a quote from John Ruskin that has been teasing me for the last few days…”When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.”  I love the message, and think we often lose or sacrifice one of these two elements in the workplace.  I know what you’re thinking, ‘ are you really going to raise the spectre of love as an essential element of creation at work?’  Yup, I am.  Before you leap to disagree though, think about your best professional years – or moments – and what they required from you.

Certainly success involves skill – though arguably every success is not a masterpiece.  And not every act of love – as well intended as it may be – elicits a feeling of success.  If there is no love for what you commit to doing on a daily basis, I think your efforts are diluted by its absence.  And at least in the areas of work that I know well, there seems to be less attention given to loving what you do, and a skewed emphasis on just getting it done.  A friend of mine asked me recently where the ‘humanism’ in management has gone.  After participating in a panel discussion at a well known law firm, she was struck by the comments of young associates who attended the session.  Their expectations of upper management were narrow and indifferent, acknowledging that these first years in ‘big law’ required many hours of work, but little of the relational connectedness that makes the ridiculous time commitment worthwhile.  The concerns for their development were formulaic, the environment rich in superficial attention (if you’ve never been in the offices of big law, you’re missing some pretty magnificent work spaces) and sorely lacking in emotional investment.  We’re not talking about daily ‘kumbaya’ moments, rather the contagious, energizing sense that people were engaged in doing work that they loved.

The workplace in general is delicately positioned right now – on the one hand, employers want their people to do more with less; however less and less time is being spent considering what new ideas or programs can be put into play to engender enthusiasm and passion for individual effort.  So if you love the profession you’re in, and little is done to foster that indescribably powerful motivator, love will morph over time into benign acceptance.  The reality is that at some point each of us has the ingredients to create a masterpiece.  As a manager, director, chief officer, etc – what are your responsibilities to develop and/or sustain the professional and personal inventories from which your people can draw to create a masterpiece?   Or in the interest of production, does it even matter any longer that people love what they do?  Personally, I’ve done my damnedest to foster both love and skill instead of accepting skill and personal interest every time.  What about you?