Category: life lessons

humor, leadership, life lessons, management, mindfulness, motivation, work life

Goal Setting – A Creative Approach

mimijk

After majoring in partying during my first two years of college, I got serious and then decided to double major.  Psychology and Education.  Did I envision being a Chief HR Officer?  Absolutely not.  My path to this profession was remarkably serendipitous (at least in my mind) and as it unfolded seemed to occur with what I perceived as very little input on my part.  Stuff just seemed to happen.  I realize now that this perception was inaccurate and skewed.  It allowed me to react with predictable self-deprecating dismissiveness at my successes, and passionate self-flagellation when absorbing my failures (in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve always had a flair for high drama – I’m particularly good at self-flagellation).  The truth of the matter is that I’ve always had goals.  Yes they were fluid, without question the path to their achievement was often more circuitous than direct and at times these goals were downright misguided.  But as my hopes for the future crystallized, the navigation of my ‘goal map’ became easier to read  – even when I was heading directly off course (have I also mentioned that geography was never my strong suit).

Just as advertisers use story boards when constructing a client pitch, I am a strong believer in using story boards to help determine what our goals are and how they may be achieved.  Think of the success of PinInterest.  Basically, you are ‘pinning’ and ‘repinning’ pictures that resonate with you on a visceral level – be they of places, nature, humor, etc..  Not only does it feel good to look at the compendium of your personal favorites, it’s self-reinforcing.  So…you pin some more – and if you look at your collection closely, you will see certain patterns.  In effect, it becomes a story board about you.  I used to encourage people to build story boards at work when training on the topic of goal setting (Creativity in a law firm?  A bit oxymoronic I suppose).

Try it – cut out pictures that inspire you, print off quotes or thoughts that excite you and tape them onto a piece of oak tag (if that sounds too dated, just stick ’em up on a bulletin board).  See what messages you glean from what may seem like a random display.  Don’t be discomfited by the pieces that don’t seem to fit – if it was all perfect, it wouldn’t be self-reflective.  What you will find though is that there is a pattern in that collage of yours.  And it can help define what it is you want  – in your professional and/or personal life (depending on what your story board is focused on of course).  One quote that appears on my current board, first appeared on the board I created when I left the firm.  Kofi Annan once said, “To live is to choose.  But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go and why you want to go there.”  It fuels my pictorial narrative.

Once you get a sense of what it is you want and need to do – take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, revel for a moment in the clarity you have found.  Then communicate your thoughts – write them down, tell a colleague, share them with your team.  And this is where it gets a little tricky – remember that a goal is only as achievable as the objectives that support its completion.  Objectives are the discreet, actionable steps that are taken to make a goal attainable.  For big picture people this is definitely the harder of the two steps, for it’s where you break it all down into timelines, responsibilities and commitments.  When you write objectives, use verbs that imply movement – there is no room for the passive voice in the world of achieving goals!  I realize that this is no easy challenge I’m throwing out into cyberspace, but I believe that you can take your dreams, your unspoken hopes and turn them into concrete goals with clear, defined steps.  Perhaps the dreaming part is more romantic; the realization of a dream is more fulfilling and enriching.  And one of the gazillion wonders of life is that we can dream many dreams, understand where our values and life choices intersect and create as many story boards as we want to help chart our path.  And that, is pretty damn terrific

humor, leadership, life lessons, management, Uncategorized, work life

E.T. Management – Part 1

mimijk

There’s a lot to be learned about management from going to the movies.  Much of what I needed to know about the basics of working with people, I learned from “E.T’.  To risk an attenuated blog (for a change), I’ll provide you with the abbreviated version.  We can write each other about it as thoughts come to mind…

1.  It’s the things we don’t know that scare us the most.  Once we face an issue head-on, it typically casts a more comfortable shadow.

2.  Don’t discriminate against anyone just because they’re not like you.  They may be better.

3.  The Platinum Rule trumps the Golden Rule – treat others as they wish to be treated, not necessarily in the way in which you think they want to be treated.

4.  M&Ms can improve a bad day.

5.  People communicate differently.  The first step is to figure out whether or not you understand what someone is trying to tell you and where s/he is coming from (ok, pun intended).

6.  Most of us have a Plan A; it’s essential to have a plan B.

7.  If you can’t get past an obstacle, enlist the help of others and try hitting it head on or jumping right over it.

8.  Love and profit can exist in the same sentence.

9.  If you go too far afield from your authentic self, compromise too many values and distance yourself from what you know is right for you, it’s time to get back to an environment where you thrive.

10. Phone home.

anxiety, life lessons, mindfulness

The Art Of Confrontation

mimijk

Let me say upfront – I never developed this skill.  Not only don’t I have any talent for confrontation, I have so studiously avoided it that I think I show some real ability in this area.  It’s somewhat ironic that frequent moments in my career required that I confront people, my passionate belief in my professional purpose fueled my provocative challenges at times and it’s hard to get through the adolescences of three boys without having to go toe-to-toe every once in awhile.  But, I have never sought out such exchanges preferring more peaceful resolutions (which admittedly took longer and arguably required more patience).  This wasn’t because I’m such a great person – honestly, it’s because I really can’t stand vitriol and words spoken with such hostility that do-overs are impossible.

But boy oh boy, this weekend I wanted to rush Limbaugh.  Literally.  I wanted to rush the guy and wither him with my superior vocabulary and make him cower in fear of the scorching venom that would drip from my fangs.  Oh, and I wasn’t planning on providing any anti-toxin either.  I am not going to write about my political persuasions – I’ll leave that to people to the left and right of me who write more capably.  I do think the guy should be fired, and in the interest of equity – feel similarly about any shock jock who delights in the extreme denigration of others.  With all the devastation and heartache that is evidenced in the news, my palpable reaction to his idiotic cruelty was off the charts.

The kids were over for brunch yesterday and my son provided the voice of reason.  He’s a very smart guy, and perhaps a little more absolute in his perspective than I. Typically he is more inclined to opine and do so with confidence and bravado.  Although one of us leans more to the left and the other more to the right, we respect each other enough to know where our buttons are and we leave them alone. I was the one who raised the topic, unable to shake my disgust with the Limbaugh narrative.  We agreed that regardless of one’s political beliefs, there’s too much hyperbole, blustering b.s. and not enough substantive discourse for informed decisions to be reached. And for reasons which defy me, if there is nothing sensational to discuss, we will create it.

And I admit – when I’m standing in line at the supermarket I look at the cover of the National Enquirer, though I can’t bear to pick it up (although I was once tempted as a kid, when the cover story was about Martians landing on earth and they had these grainy black and white pictures of extra-terrestrials).  As I’ve written before, I guess I avoid situations and discussions that reflect the worst of our human nature.  It assaults my senses.  But then again, I’m clearly part of a minority. Full disclosure – I’ve never watched reality TV either  – maybe it is more than the real deal…maybe it is sensational.

life lessons, management, mindfulness, motivation, work life

Groundhog Day – Again

mimijk

Some may think I get cranky because I’m out of estrogen – oh no my friends, no.  I got cranky long before my hormones became an acceptable excuse.  In fact, it’s entirely possible that my crankiness was the catalyst for my body’s ensuing wackiness.  It got tired of me railing at some of the more inexplicable, passive choices we make on a daily basis in the name of ‘doing our best’.

“Mediocrity is climbing mole hills without sweating” – Icelandic proverb

How much do we do just to get by?  How often do we attach the Velcro to the back of our hand, affix it to our forehead and sigh “I just can’t do one more thing?” (insert a consumptive cough here if you feel it will add to the drama).  How frequently do we invoke the words of some enthusiastic coach (“You can do it!  There’s no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’!”) and act like an over-burdened pack mule?  And how quickly do we accept the status quo just because it’s easier.

Avidly pursuing LinkedIn chats, lobbing an occasional question on Twitter, reading the articles in journals written by and for business professionals – I see the same thing.  We are challenging ourselves to climb mole hills.  Do we keep re-hashing the same topics because we can’t take one more thing and feel that at the least we’re sharing ‘execu-speak’?  To take a line from Joan Rivers – “can we talk?”

Let’s go with some assumptions already – it’s time.  Everyone, on three – get out of your comfort zone and let’s start feeling a little itchy together.

Assumption 1 – If you don’t know how to effectively listen, engage and collaborate with other people, hear disparate views and opinions and encourage that kind of communication, then go back to square 1, don’t collect $200 and consider yourself very lucky that you’ve gotten this far without developing a critical foundation upon which to grow your career and your relationships.

Assumption 2 – If you are truly of the view that as the leader of your department, company, silo, etc your perspective is the only perspective with any merit – see number 1.  Bill Welch was a bastard and prided himself on being a bully, but when someone had the mettle to challenge him, he gave them a shot.

Assumption 3 – If you’re doing the same thing you did last year, let me remind you that Groundhog Day was a movie, not a lifestyle.  If your people are doing what they did last year, then they are doing less than they did last year – and that’s on you.

Assumption 4 – Not everything is confidential, even though it may be very exciting (and sometimes necessary) to create an ‘inner circle’.  The values of your department need to be shared.  The future career strategies for your people need to be discussed and developed with your people, not in a soliloquy you engage in on your way to work.   If you dig the whole bureaucratic, layer-upon-layer thing – fine.  I’m just saying that the plans need to be disseminated to everyone who has a modicum of responsibility for their disposition.

Assumption 5 – Just because people nod their heads and agree with you, doesn’t mean they agree with you, trust you or even have confidence in the direction you’re heading.  Their B.S. meter may just be registering at the high end, and they don’t trust you enough to respond differently.

Golda Meir said, “Don’t be so humble….you’re not that great”.  The only thing worse than inflated, insincere humility is sincere hubris.  At this point we have a long way to go before we can afford either affectation.  I want us to push past these tired conversations which find us opining in tired clichés and commentary that is becoming trite in its content.  Aren’t you a little itchy for more?  Wouldn’t you like to challenge the endless loop that plays and replays providing us with little more than one more stimulus to ignore as we do elevator music?  When are we going to look in the mirror, greet the image with a rousing ‘how the hell are you?’ and get excited about what we really can become?

anxiety, humor, life lessons, mindfulness, work life

It’s Your Choice

mimijk

Cash or credit; paper or plastic; wheat or sourdough; grande or venti; bootcut or straight-leg; warm or cool; volume or length; matte or gloss; MSNBC or CNBC…It’s not even 8AM and these are just a few of the decisions I’ve had to make just to get in gear.  And I’m retired now – what was my morning like when I was working?

If this is indicative of the ‘new minimalism’, I don’t get it.  I consider it a paradigm for insanity.  I don’t want to make any more decisions, it’s hurting my brain and making me cranky.  Perhaps this is why I find shopping malls so punitive – just parking is an exercise in over-stimulation.  And once you walk inside (choosing one of a hundred different alternatives for egress) there are too many stores, too many people, too many colors…If I go to Nordstrom, am I an ‘individualist’, ‘savvy’, ‘tbd’, ‘petite’?  Do I want firm control or moderate control?  Anklets or tube socks?  Yes.

This is my response going forward.  Yes.  Do with it what you will, but it seems far better to me than just responding negatively to everything and winding up with nothing and never leaving my house.  Yes.  I cede all decision-making authority to the salesperson, grocery store cashier and Starbucks’ barista.  It’s all fine with me.  I just want a cup of coffee, the perfect pair of jeans, a blush that brightens my face so I look naturally healthy and a moisturizer that erases wrinkles.  I want a handbag that holds everything and weighs nothing.  I want to know which is better – counting calories or protein loading.  Are we Lin-ing, Tebow-ing or Winning this week?  Yes.  Just tell me the lexicon-of-the-moment so I can feel like I know what is going on.  It’s fine.  I’m overwhelmed with choices and underwhelmed with the results.  So whatever you choose, it’s fine with me.

No wonder people don’t feel like working once they arrive at the office.  I always thought that the deferral of difficult decisions was a result of a collective abhorrence of provocative dialogue.  Wrong – it’s exhaustion.  It’s easier to have a cabal of ‘yes’ people around.  Ok – it’s exhaustion and ennui, but the latter is a topic for another day.  Of course here we are expending all of this energy just to get to wherever we  need to be, and if one pauses for a moment it’s clear that none of the choices made along the way really matter.  In hindsight, all of these decisions are elevated to a level of importance prompted by the urgency of the moment, not the urgency of the matter.  It’s all a bit embarrassing.  When I consider the offenses I may have caused by being thoughtless, I’m both rueful and redeemed.  I now have an excuse.  I had run out of mental energy.

So I guess this means that when we really need to step up to the plate and connect with the ball, it very well may be a swing and a miss.  I don’t want to miss the next pitch.  From now on it’s ‘yes’ to everything that really isn’t going to matter to me tomorrow.  And in response to the more thought-provoking questions?  I’ll get back to you on that.

anxiety, life lessons, mindfulness

It’s Enough To Make You Crazy

mimijk

“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once” — Jennifer Yane

Apparently April is National Anxiety Month – I had no idea.  If someone had told me that I had the option of deferring my anxiety, collecting and storing it in one of the many compartments in my head pending one outrageous release from April 1st – 30th, I can’t imagine how much more organized my thought process would be.  I really think this deserves more publicity, which is why I’m telling you in February instead of waiting to celebrate in April.

My brain operates much like an active ball in a pinball machine.  I know this because my husband has a pinball machine from the 70’s (the kind that make a racket), and he is able to keep a ball in play, hitting multiple targets and causing that damn bell to ring for ridiculously long periods of time.  He plays for hours (ok, it feels/sounds like hours).  And that is the perfect metaphor for the processes in my head (which could explain the genesis of migraines, but probably not).  I tried to follow my thoughts this morning for one minute – one flippin’ minute – and here’s just a portion of the cacophony that plays in my crazy little head…

“I wonder how D is feeling/should email her/Did S get home ok…damn, I’m going to be late for the gym/I don’t want to go to the gym/I have to go to the gym/when do I start looking like I even go to the gym…should stop at Whole Foods and pick up some tilapia/it’s 6AM, who the hell wants to think about dinner…look the sun is rising earlier…Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning (the Beatles)/Good Morning to you, Good Morning to you, You look kinda drowsy, In fact you look lousy, Is this anyway, to start a new day (who taught me that)…Tragic about Whitney Houston/Enough about Whitney Houston…I haven’t called the kids/should I call the kids/does that mean I’m being too intrusive/don’t be stupid, call the kids…I need to get milk too so that it doesn’t snow tomorrow..I never knew there was a place called Chagrin Falls, Ohio..Tin soldiers and Nixon’s coming, We’re finally on our own, This summer I hear the calling, Four dead in O-h-i-o/Do I have Joni Mitchell’s ‘Blue’ on my iPod?/There’s no way I could exercise to CSN&Y/I look like an idiot on the bike…maybe I should have some more coffee..

You see, this is just a snippet of the free association with musical accompaniment in my head.  I operate at all times on two mental tracks – a song is always playing in my head along with a concurrent blend of disconnected thoughts running on another loop.  Ambidextrous thinking.  My hunch is that I’m not unique in this regard (well, maybe about the music part).  And if that assumption is correct, then it’s no wonder that anxiety gets its own month.  Depending on how much perseverating is going on, it’s entirely reasonable for anxiety to be given its own year.

The funny thing is, I don’t consider myself an anxious person – rather one who has a mind in perpetual overdrive.  This thought alone does make me anxious however, which logically suggests that if I stop thinking I won’t be anxious.  Well, that’s impossible, for I don’t take well to terms like ‘airhead’ or phrases like ‘if you get too close to her you can hear the wind’.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the wind..makes me think of the Joni Mitchell song ‘Twisted’…Bette Midler did a terrific rendition as well..Ah, here I go again.  And my husband wonders why I’m tired.  I think I need a nap…go into the arms of Morpheus…dream a little dream of me/Mama Cass, loved her. Never mind – I’m going to the gym.

life lessons

I’m Blonder Than I Look

mimijk

I was going to write about ethics today – and it was going to be good.  Notes in place, paragraphs in some semblance of order, and then I had one of my many blonde moments.  I couldn’t stop thinking about these random ‘duh’ moments of mine and remain amazed that I am here in spite of myself.  Full disclosure – I’m not a natural blonde, so I use the adjective loosely and more than a little disingenuously.

Anyway, I’ve conducted a completely unscientific study with a myriad of uncontrolled variables to skew the results and I am sure nonetheless that it’s results are correct – my IQ score drops precipitously at completely arbitrary times.  Clearly this suggests that I think at my own risk.  This gives me some pause, for who the hell knows what is going to come into this head of mine – and worse, what may come out of my mouth if the trap door between my brain and mouth is temporarily disengaged?

This morning I was listening to NPR while driving to the gym, thinking that it was far too cold for anyone to commit to this schedule of torture, when I heard the following from Cokie Roberts “…Mitt Romney has to get over the hump…”.  I swear to you, my first thought was ‘How does Mitt Romney even know The Hump?  And, is it really good for him to be associated with the Kardashians?’  Pitiful.  I am really pitiful.

I should be embarrassed to tell you this, but it happens all the time.  Years ago, upon receiving a job offer, I asked whether the salary was ‘negotiable up or down’.  Of the course the prospective employer assured me that they could go lower.  Sigh…My husband tells that story regularly just to ensure that humility is always within reach and my cheeks can be rosy without blush on.

When I was looking for a pair of shoes to go with a dress I bought, I told the salesperson that ‘I don’t want them to be too matchy-matchy, just be the same color’.  You don’t want to know the look I got – though the woman was very patient with me and spoke in a calm, soothing voice.

I talk to the GPS lady.  No, I argue with the GPS lady and still get lost.

Don’t even ask me how long I thought a reference to ‘six pack abs’ was a reference to how much beer a person consumed.  Parenthetically, I have never had six pack abs, so I think this is forgivable.

I recently taught myself how to knit by watching youtube videos over and over again.  I can’t get farther than knitting shawls and blankets because I can’t get what they mean by the ‘wrong side’ of the piece.  Which is the wrong side if I haven’t made a mistake?

Perhaps this is why I have such a great relationship with my dogs.  Admittedly, I anthropomorphize their behaviors, and believe that I have a rare connection with their thoughts.  I get it when Archie relentlessly chases snowflakes and is totally flummoxed when he fails to catch any;  I understand when Teddy looks at me with gratitude when I call him inside, because he’s completely spaced on where he is (despite the fact that he’s in the front yard).

The good news is that none of this has gotten any worse over the years.  I was this ditzy in my teens.  The occasional flashes of intelligence are merely that – brief occurrences in what is usuallya carnival in my head.  The bad news of course is clear – it really is unfortunate that Romney has a thing for The Hump.

life lessons

Big Love – Not The TV Show

mimijk

Well, we’re coming up on Valentine’s Day – and I wonder about the intent of a holiday marketed by Hallmark as an opportunity to speak of love in the most sincere of ways.  I wasn’t going to write about it at all, perhaps in defiance if you will, of whatever societal expectations there may be in plucking on heart strings during this time of year.

But karma is a funny thing.  With my husband off on a business trip, snow falling outside (albeit with little conviction), I decided that today would be a good day to attack my closet.  Okay, perhaps ‘attack’ is the wrong word for I was prepared to be distracted at the slightest opportunity.  After a couple of hours I’d already made bags for AmVets and the Lupus Foundation, filled two trash bags full of hangers and assorted junk and was ready to applaud my diligence, when I decided to brave the top shelves where the really good junk travels (’cause that way I can’t see it when I walk in).  Dry cleaning tags galore, safety pins…and to my surprise a couple of letters, almost twenty years apart, involving two different relationships and markedly different circumstances.  Rather than tell you what I’m giving away to charities, I thought I would share them with you.

“To Didl [my mom’s name was Dee, friends and family called her Didl sometimes] with love – not to be opened until 11AM February 26, 1975

Sweetheart,

It isn’t very often that I write to you now, but after all, twenty five years is a long time and this anniversary should be treated in a special way.  So it is that when I tell you I love you I won’t really have a chance, or maybe the skill, to say everything.  I’ll also say that I want and need you – but that too is only a part.

I know that my love for you has grown richer and deeper through the years. And it is a happy love – one that exhilarates and comforts at the same time.  You are a rare and special person and I’m glad that my heart belongs to you.  To this I can only add my feelings of pleasure when I think of our past love, and my feelings of joy for that of the present.  The troubles we’ve had have bound us together inseparably, and if only for this, they were not too bad.  And it seems to me our present life together is the happiest and most fulfilled that anyone could have…

We shall have glorious years ahead!  The future is sure to be the greatest part of our lives, and I would really like to hasten it if it weren’t for the pleasures of right now.  And so to end this little love note – There’s a poetic line that paraphrased, says it all:  Didl, come love with me, the best is yet to come!  With that eager anticipation I’ll leave you for a few moments – till I see you later on.  I love you.

Your, Jack

In the late spring of 1995, my dad was diagnosed with Lewy body disease – a form of Parkinson’s that lays scourge to the body and the mind.  His behavior had changed, his gate stilted.  The diagnosis confirmed that which we all feared.  We spoke everyday on the phone and said little.

June 1995

“Dear Daddy,

I’m typing this only ’cause it’s late in the day, and my handwriting becomes increasing less legible as the day progresses.  I figured you shouldn’t have to suffer through trying to decipher my hieroglyphics..

So much has gone on lately, so many things that have made me feel like touching base with you once again – like we did when we used to drive into work together, or walk to school, or just hang out.  Those same opportunities don’t present themselves with the same frequency (heck, with the boys clamoring around you, not even remotely :-)), so I’m going to take the writing route and see how I do.

I know we love each other tons, and though it goes without saying, it feels good to repeat.  I love you with all I have.  You are my dearest friend, most exemplary (and only) dad and truly one of the best [people] I have ever known.  There is so much I adore about Andy that is unique to him – and I know how lucky I am that I got it right.  Perhaps we are the prince and princess you said we were in your toast to us – time will tell.  I can say that at times, he reminds me of you.  You have been my caring ear when I’ve needed it, professional adviser when my little cog on this economic wheel begins to creak and groan, a receptive audience to some really lousy jokes, a hand on my back when I have veered off in the wrong direction.  I have been blessed with the feeling of your unconditional love even when you’ve been ticked at me and I know it every day.

These past few weeks have been profoundly tough on you and mom and I know that whatever lies ahead is resting more than a little uneasily on your mind.  Please, please do not resign yourself to any outcome – have hope, have heart, and lean on me if you want to – I will always, always be here.  You are a wonderful man, cherished beyond words – use some of that knowledge to try and lighten your worry a little bit.  Whatever is going on, the core of you is exactly the same and that is who I see every time I see you, that is who I hear whenever we speak – and that is who you are.  That is what matters.

I guess I’ve gone on a little long – [why] does everyone say I don’t share what’s on my mind – look how wordy I’ve gotten!  I just want you to know that I love you, our relationship past, present and future.  Can’t wait to see you next week.  Love, m

Yes, I cried when I read these – I wasn’t prepared.  All the letters are in one place in my office (or so I thought).  All I could think about is that regardless of the calendar – there are big, big loves that provide the narrative for our lives and remain part of our days.  I often read the wonderful blogs posted by besotted parents of hilarious pre-schoolers and can identify with their indescribable feelings of love. I  marvel at authors who skillfully pen classics about unrequited love and love that defies time and space.  I’m not sure I have that kinda talent – I’m the one who cries when watching Amy Adams in ‘Enchanted’.  How does someone like that even begin to write about it?  I’m not going to.  I’m just going to tell you what I know – whatever may happen to love over the course of a lifetime – between spouses, parents and children, friends, family – if it’s big, the kind of love that tightens your throat and renders the most eloquent practically mute –  you should celebrate it all you can, everyday.  It really is all there is.

life lessons

Je Ne Regrette Rien…Not!

mimijk

“Je ne regrette rien”.  My mom used to do a decent, highly entertaining imitation of Edith Piaf (assuming that Edith Piaf was ‘un peu’ tone deaf). Mom had the hand gestures, closed eyes, dramatic intonations down (and her Marlene Dietrich was even better).  Of course, she didn’t do this too often either because we would laugh or worse, sing along.

Of course the words of the song aren’t completely true.  I have regrets – from absolutely frightening glamour-don’ts to opportunities I dismissed to emotional pain that I have inflicted with and without thought.  Happily it’s not Yom Kippur, so this is not an apologia and I’m not seeking forgiveness (though I am sorry).  I’m just putting it out there – to live with no regrets is arguably not a lot of living at all.  I worry about those of a certain age who maintain that there is nothing in their history for which they would love a do-over.  Really?  Perhaps someone should speak to Tom Brady this morning.  No regrets – puleeze…

What distinguishes those who make peace with their history and those who don’t?  Why do some people move on with such grace, while others dig in their heels protecting their positions with indignation and contempt for any suggestion that it may be time to move along?  Certainly fear and insecurity are paralytic responses and the term ‘comfort zone’ didn’t find its place in our lexicon out of nowhere.  I think there are other subtle and intractable contributors to cementing people in their places.  The blurred line between that which we know and that which we must put into practice become increasingly difficult to identify as we move closer to a life changing decision.

It has been enlightening to watch partners retire from the firm with a sense of appreciation and pride, looking forward to their next iterations with delight.  The decision to retire was theirs to make; no one suggested that it was their time to move over and aside.  They’d committed themselves to the firm for years, arguably sacrificed more than they wanted and gained more than they could have initially thought.  Rita Coolidge was right – it’s better to leave when still ‘in love’.  One partner advised me when I was considering this decision that I would need to approach my retirement with the same diligence and dedication with which I had worked.  It was great advice.  I’m taking it on energetically and am watching whatever ambivalence I felt fade in the rear view mirror.

This represents a distinction from those who leave with antipathy and frustration.  It’s an interesting and unfortunate phenomenon.  They can’t let it go.  Whether there is too little to look forward to or too much to let go of, they need to hold on – perhaps for that one moment too long.  And it is in that moment that their hindsight will include regret.  Whether in one’s professional life or personal history, there is regret associated with poor timing, inability to re-calibrate our direction realistically and with humility, when the ‘should haves’ trump the ‘dids’.

The big tease of course rests with the knowledge that if one risks nothing, one regrets nothing.  If we look back on our lives and regret all that we didn’t try, didn’t say, didn’t do – how do we reconcile our inability to move?  As one who is geographically challenged, the nice part of heading off in the wrong direction is that I can always turn around.  And you know?  There’s a lot to be said for being lost for a little while.  It’s risky, a bit scary and the likelihood is great that you’ll never be able to re-create the same route.  But for that moment in time, you’re free to explore without encumbrances or requirements.  For that moment in time, you can sing like Piaf.

life lessons, work life

Step Away From The Mirror

mimijk

Careful now…slowly step away from the mirror.  It’s deceptive – whatever or whoever is staring back at you, I swear it’s an inaccurate reflection.  Consider this part of the karmic joke, but I promise you that none of us see ourselves in the same way as we are seen by others.  From the most intuitive among us to the most clueless, objects in the mirror are way more skewed than they appear.

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m short.  I still can’t fathom what the hell people are talking about.  Ok, if I stretch with serious effort, I can make it to 5′.  Vertically challenged you say?  Perhaps.  What do I think?  I don’t get it.  Being endowed with reasonable intellect and a gentle grasp on reality, I’m aware that literally, I’m not exactly tall.  I know that with every step most people take, I usually take three.  I also am acutely aware that when I travel on a crowded train I’m usually nose-to-armpit with any other person standing (which is why I hate to take the subway).  When in conversation with an upright adult, my neck invariably begins to ache after a while.  And my kids eclipsed me before they hit puberty.  All of these are fairly strong indicators that I don’t measure up to the national average.  Got it.

But I don’t see myself as short.  Never have.  Just like I never thought my voice was deep, until I answered the phone at my parents’ house and the caller said, “Hi Jack” (my dad’s name). Don’t worry, I’m not completely delusional, though it is comforting to know that all is well in my own little world.

Extrapolate this thought farther though – to more meaningful venues and relationships – and the concept takes on new gravity.  How many performance reviews have I given in my professional history?  How many mentoring conversations, sensitive dialogues?  Easily thousands.  How many wrenching moments with friends and loved ones?  Too many to enumerate.  Rarely have I met the individual who grasps the variance between his/her self-perception and that which others see.  Before you insist that you are one of the exceptions to this observation, bear with me a little longer.

It’s easy to encourage someone to expand their technical skills, explore better time management practices, increase their production by x%.  Ask your spouse to empty the dishwasher, walk the dog –  it’s easy.  These are tangible, non-threatening observations and/or requests.  We can do those.  They don’t upend all that we see in ourselves.  They don’t disrupt the reflection in our mirror.  Suggest to a manager that more emphasis could be placed on fostering collective accountability, pointedly provide someone with example after example of how their behavior alienates their team, craft a conversation wherein you advise someone who is self-sabotaging – and you will be met with defensiveness, denial or disbelief.  I remember tearfully telling my husband that I felt like he didn’t ‘see’ me.  “How can you say that?!”, he said.  “I see you everyday!  Tell me what you want me to be looking at!!”  As we say in the South, ‘bless his heart’.

We really want to believe that we are there for each other, committed to doing the right thing (whatever that may be), approachable and at core, highly effective at that which makes the world go round – establishing, maintaining, and growing connections.  How many of us can really say that such talent is reflected in our work teams?  In our personal relationships?  When was the last time you asked someone to give you honest feedback about how you appear?  It’s a hard question to pose, for you need to ask someone whom you trust to tell you the truth and not provide you with assurances rather than insight.  You need to ask someone who’s holding the Windex, so to speak.

At this point you may be asking yourself why one would – or should – bother with such a quest for information.  At the risk of redundancy – because as a supervisor your people deserve your best and without a reality check, you may be failing them royally.  Because we are continually changing and adapting to our environment, and our partners need to clue us in to what our actions reflect when held up to our intentions.  Because we stare in the mirror far more often than we notice what others see when they look at us.  Self-absorption is carefully packaged in denial.  With such securely wrapped protections, how are we ever going to feel intrinsically good about who we are and how successful we are with the relationships we have – and need?  If we can trust each other enough to ask the scary questions, open enough to hear the uncomfortable answers and resilient enough to look at ourselves through someone else’s lens, ultimately our self-image will be much more reflective of the reality.  That said, please don’t tell me that I can’t reach the top shelf in the kitchen – I know, I know.

life lessons, work life

You’re Only As Good As Your Last Show

mimijk

If your company’s fiscal year end coincides with the calendar, then bonuses have been distributed, your new salary confirmed and you have received your annual review.  Assuming all were positive – way to go!  Congratulations!  Another great year has passed and you should be approaching 2012 highly motivated, ready to embrace the objectives that you established in concert with your supervisor.  You’re going to rock this year, right?

No?

The reality is that an external motivator – like money – lasts about as long as two pay periods, or however long it takes to adjust one’s budget to a new bi-monthly or monthly net.  If a person is being compensated equitably, salary increases and bonuses don’t drive performance in any long term way.  A friend of mine recently received wonderful news from her employer – her raise and bonus were exceptional, her review reflective of a reasonable awareness of the scope of her efforts.  Upon hearing this news, her significant other said, “Enjoy it – there’s your appreciation until next year”.  We laughed at the comment, though the truth behind its humor is far more worthy of a sigh than a giggle.

There is an ennui that arrives in January that comes on the heels of that absence of anticipation.  There is no further feedback to receive, all the adrenalin has been spent.  There are no more three day weekends to look forward to for awhile (though the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday, given that statistically more people call in sick that day than any other in the year).  The new year by definition exerts little pressure to ‘bring it’ with the same energy that year-end activities require and the sense of renewal is limited by the sense of purpose.  The performance scale is re-set at zero – an enervating thought if ever there was one.  Yeah it’s true, you’re only as good as your last show.

Ideally, now would be a good time to take a vacation – a chance to restore one’s self and get outside the routine.  Given that many don’t have that luxury, I think we all need to find the time to take stock of our internal motivational index, pose the hard questions to ourselves that we have no time to consider when we’re consumed with work.  At the end of each year, I used to ask my boss whether we were going to re-up for another year.  Though the question was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to continue in my position if he was going to pursue a different path.  The exchange provided us with a chance to talk about the past year’s challenges and successes and ensure that were were in step going forward.  We continued this exercise even when we both had moved onward and upward at the firm.  The conversation remained an annual touchstone of sorts, checking in when either of our perceived realities needed confirmation.

Absent such dialogues, we still should take time for a little reflection.  Are you where you want to be in your career?  Are you being given the opportunities to develop and expand your skill set?  Does your position provide you with sufficient challenges and responsibilities?  Are you working in an environment that is supportive of your values and ethical construct?  If your efforts are Herculean and you have the professional muscles to exercise, that’s one thing.  It feels good to flex your talent, stretching towards goals that are both intriguing and substantive.  However, if the position has a more Sisyphean quality (to keep the analogy alive), that’s another issue entirely.  There is nothing more demoralizing than knowing that the damn boulder is going to roll back down the mountain as soon as you near the top.

Your answers should be the mental catalyst to emerge from the mental freeze of January.  If you are in an organization where you continue to grow and develop, where your future marketability is enhanced by the responsibilities you are given, then pause for a moment, celebrate where you are and ratchet up the output again.  You are in a terrific place on your career path and that in and of itself should be energizing.  If you’re not getting what you need from your current position and have done all that you can to alter that course, then you are doing a huge injustice to yourself in taking the path of least resistance.  No one should view the decision to coast as an empowering one.  You know too that ultimately, your malaise translates into performance issues which further complicate and compromise your position (literally and figuratively).  Considering other employment possibilities is an effort, and can be incredibly anxiety-provoking.  It can also be exhilarating to find an employer with values and expectations that are totally in sync with yours.

When we talk about thinking strategically, it’s important to remember that this is an exercise best honed first when considering where you are and where you want to go.  You are so much more than a passive participant in your career – you are both driver and navigator.  Safe travels

life lessons

L-o-v-e, Not L-u-v

mimijk

If my parents were still alive, they would celebrate their 62nd wedding anniversary tomorrow.  My sister and I would send gifts, make plans to see them soon and sing a Happy Anniversary song (don’t ask).  I can almost hear my mom yelling “Jack, pick up the phone!” – no one would want to hear us repeat this ditty twice.  I’d want to know what mom got from dad, because he was the most creative and generous gift-giver I’ve ever known.  A couple of those surprises come to mind – the book made out of poster board with pictures of European cities which mom leafed through with some disbelief and disappointment until she reached the last page.  Taped to it were an itinerary, two tickets and a gold airplane charm for her bracelet.  Or the elegant box of mink pelts selected carefully so she could work with a furrier to design her own coat (No disrespect to PETA intended – this was long ago).  Mom would write a loving card; dad would give her one of those rhyming ones with a pop-up inside which definitely tickled him more than her.   In fact, he gave her the same card more than once, which just drove her crazy.  I think he did it intentionally because he thought it was funny.

My in-laws have been married for upwards of 60 years and their love prevails.  I find such tenure unfathomable, laudable, fantastic.  It’s a legacy to which I can lay no claim, for I had to commit to marriage a few times before getting it right.

Margaret Mead said that everyone should marry three times – once to leave home, once to have children and once for companionship.  She also held that any institution with a requirement that the male and female of the species co-exist under one roof, is doomed to fail.  Well Madge, we’re still here, still celebrating and/or seeking love connections.  What is it exactly that we’re hoping for?

At wedding ceremonies one will often hear the words from Corinthians.  The reading is magnificent in its hopefulness and anticipation of ideal love.  I wonder though if the passage is reflective of the true marital narrative  (full disclosure – I read these words in a secular sense.  I can’t bear the idea of blasphemy being added to my list of faults).

“Love is patient…love is kind” – Really?  Always??  What about when it isn’t?  I love my husband and I’m pretty damn sure he loves me.  Are we always kind?  No.  There have been times which can only be described as mean-spirited.  And there are times when patience is tested beyond that which seems reasonable.  The little things – ask me how I feel in the morning when the pots from last night’s dinner are left in the sink (ostensibly to ‘soak’  until I get up) or how he responds when he feels I am not focused on what he’s saying.  These are just benign examples.  Over twenty years there have been far more painful moments and memories than these, when kindness was not the primary motivation in either of our minds.  This in no way negates the moments of indescribable joy that we experience together, nor how hard we can make each other laugh.  I think we make a terrific pair – and yet, we are not always kind.

Presuming that spouses are the closest of friends and the most ardent of lovers, love is not static.  It morphs and moves, shrinks and swells and often eludes you when you want to hold onto it more than anything.  Couples can be more emotionally removed from each other than they are with anyone else.  They can flippantly subvert trust, not thinking about short or long term damage.  People don’t always fight fair and they trade on a false security that love is sturdy in all ways.  It seems to me that love assumes an awful lot, when perhaps a more considered amount should be taken for granted with your life partner.  How often do we speak to a stranger with more grace than we do our significant other?

“Love does not take into account a wrong suffered” – is that possible?  All things?  Can someone define that in a bit more detail for me?  Are there caveats to forgiveness (my mom often said, “I’ve forgiven but I will never forget!” – somehow I don’t think that’s what forgiveness really means)?  Would we be better partners if we were able to apologize meaningfully when we are wrong and not assume forgiveness?  Can we accept that the ways in which we need to be loved continually change and shift, and as such we always remain exposed.  Isn’t the healthiest love that which can bend and stretch to provide protection from and support for the vagaries of life?

“Love never fails” – Never is a long time.  I challenge anyone who has loved more than one person in his/her life to diminish those experiences.  If love never fails, then perhaps we fail love.  We do so many wondrous things in its name; we do so much harm too.  And with a nod to the therapists out there, if we don’t love ourselves, it is highly likely we will struggle when loving another.  This too presents an interesting paradox, for I have yet to meet the person who can affirmatively state that s/he has always been self-loving and true.

With all of this said, I think love does abide.  As I write this, my husband sits next to me working on his computer, lost in his thoughts.  I love that he is here – that I can reach out and touch him and he’ll look up and give me a goofy smile.  Did my parents love each other for all the years they were together?  I would like to think so, even though I am aware that time brings greater complexity and complications along with shared history.  Sometimes love is found in that history alone.  Sometimes love is best viewed as a practice, an emotional skill to develop as opposed to an end result.  If we practice  loving with the same intensity with which we wish for it, maybe we’ll get it right.