A Bird In The Hand – for $19.99

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I’ve forgotten this before.” — Steven Wright

My challenges with sleeping are the stuff of family legend.  I fall into the arms of Morpheus every night, so exhausted that I don’t even remember that this is exactly the state in which I found myself the night before.  Ah well, there’s a lot one can learn at night – or not.  When I turned the tv on Saturday morning, I realized that absolutely nothing has changed since 1964.  It was kind of like ‘Groundhog Night’.

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You can still buy Ronco knives for $19.99.  And though K-tel is no longer offering records that are requisite for any connoisseur’s collection, Time Life can send you a complete set of Motown cd’s for one low price.  They’ll even send you ‘The History of Time Life Books’ for free!!  But there’s more (the night is long my friends).  Want to make the perfect omelette?  They’ve got one – and as hard as it may be to believe, you will never serve a wilted, torn omelette again.  It’s also ideal for crepes and grilled cheese sandwiches, though not at the same time.  Apparently, there’s no need for scrubbing when you’re done either,  just rinse (cleanliness is a concept open to personal interpretation).  How I have lived without this gadget, I’ll never know.

I saw infomercials for hair removal systems, hair growth systems, wrinkle reducers, lip enhancers, shapewear that eliminates bulges, shapewear that provides bulges (if you want or need certain areas, um, pumped up shall we say), ten minute work-out programs which absorbed twenty-five minutes of air time,  mini veggie choppers, a multi-use colander which can also serve as a deep fryer or convenient cooked pasta remover (you’ll never have to haul the heavy pot to the sink again).  Personally, I think it also could be used with home highlighting kits – put it on your head and pull the hair through the holes.  Learn yoga, another language and how to be a better lover (perhaps with the organization system on sale, you can do all of these things at once).  Lose the weight that has settled around your mid-section, gain the six-pack worthy of  Adonis.

The best part about these products is that if you order immediately, you get a second one free (plus shipping and handling).  I guess that’s fabulous if you have hoarding tendencies, like to layer your shapewear or just have $20.00 that you’re itching to spend.  Given that these come-ons haven’t changed since I was a kid, I wonder what it says about us?  That we’re so easily seduced by consumerism that we’ll buy anything?  That we really do believe that one can click their heels three times and have magical results?  Perhaps we’ve never fully resolved our child-like naivete?

Or maybe, it’s just that programming in the middle of the night has always been – and will continue to be – just awful.  My new approach to early, early, early, mornings?  Pick up “War and Peace” and hit myself in the head.

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