A Shocking Admission

I suppose it’s time that I tell you a long-held secret about me.  It will certainly surprise you;  perhaps you will feel that I have duped you for these past seven months.  I’m truly sorry, but it was something I needed to do.  Now that I am coming forward with this admission, I can only hope you’ll understand.

I am a super hero.

If I could lower my head in shame for having withheld this from you for so long, I would – but then I couldn’t see the screen and would make too many typing errors.  By day, I am a completely unassuming woman, hardly distinguishable from any other woman of a certain age.  In this persona my height serves me well,  for often I can go practically unseen (unless of course someone trips over me).  The Sirs rest comfortably – the house is filled with that mellow glow associated with abundant calm.  I walk gently through life – thankful, secure and full of granola.

As the sun begins its descent in the western sky, my synapses begin to fire with a fervency that is hard to control and my breathing accelerates.  I feel my heart pumping with the  intensity that Olive Oyl used to have when she would see Popeye (yes, I’m dating myself – but work with me).  My thoughts begin to race as if they were competing in a track and field event.  Yes, it is time.  As the moon rises, I become

 I use the nighttime to obsess and worry issues and potential issues to death.  If there are no problems to be slain with my powerful concern, I will create some.  After all, I consider it my duty to keep my little circle of friends and family safe from disconcerting  ‘what ifs’ and ‘could bes’.  I leap from one outcome to the next, determining options and exit strategies, potential routes to happiness and/or obstacles to success.  Have a terrible boss?  I’ll worry that one for you.  Are you feeling flu-ish?  Don’t fret – I’ll jump to pneumonia and back with the expectation that by the time I return you will be feeling much better.  Kids plucking your very last nerve?  Fear not, I can go from worst case diagnoses to kids just being irritating,  before you can say “Mimi, put the DSM-IV down”.  As you can imagine, these midnight meanderings are exhausting.  I am probably the only person who is happy that Daylight Savings Time is over, because the sun rises earlier – shortening my super hero work schedule.   Now you know why I post so early in the morning – it’s my way of capping off another fretful night of slaying imaginary scenarios and plotting the capture of one too many unpleasant outcomes.

As the sun comes up I return to my leggings and sweatshirt, take the Sirs out to commiserate with a tree or two and look up at the sky.  And I become the person you have come to know.  The person who literally thanks God everyday for the gift of the morning.  The person who can’t yet meditate but can take up a small, easy space in this world and delight in doing so.  The one who believes that miracles happen all the time if you keep your eyes open, so why the heck am I worrying anyway?  At the end of the day, we are all contradictions in terms – super hero and every-man/woman;  Broadway star and bathroom lounge lizard; successful professional and frightened sham;  Big Kahuna and one who wipes out before even reaching the wave.

“To be alive, to be able to see, to walk, to have houses, music, paintings – it’s all a miracle.  I have adopted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle.” — Arthur Rubenstein

 

50 thoughts on “A Shocking Admission

  1. I used to have that super power, too. Sometimes, I can still almost bring it back to life, but not with the same intensity that would once allow me to lift a car with no one trapped under it….yet. 😉 I do not know how it happened…the letting go, but I know part of it had to do with trusting God more than myself. Good morning, Mimi!

    • Hi – and you are so spot on!! Handing it over and trusting the power that is far greater than us. That’s where I am in the mornings..I am really trying to get out of this costume at night – a) it’s really uncomfortable, b) it’s an exhausting job and c) every time I look at the sky I really do wonder what the heck I’m worrying about? You have the right answer, and I know it – I just have to incorporate it into my nights!! have a great day!

  2. I’m not a worrier but my mother is. She will worry endlessly about what could go wrong, and then – when everything goes all right – she worries about what COULD HAVE gone wrong. She is so good at this – I leave it to her.

    • It’s wonderful that your mom can assume the mantle on your behalf. My mom used to be the worrier – 24/7. And I certainly find myself diddy-bopping through life worry free during the day. But I pick up my cape and costume at night and try to protect those I love from any and all nefarious intents or odious outcomes. 😉

  3. Giggling madly! This is brilliant, Mimi, absolutely brilliant! I carry the worry gene as well–my grandmother used to say that if I didn’t have anything to worry about, I’d drive up and down the road til I found something! ;-). I think the idea of handing it over to a higher power, whatever form that power takes for you, is a wise one. Thx for getting my morning off with a little “life lesson wrapped in a smile.”. Xoxox, l

  4. Mimi, this was a thoroughly enjoyable post. We can all be superheros in some form. We only need to be aware that being a superhero is not always about being extraordinary, but just being who we are in life.

  5. My dear I too have that same super power. I’m learning to master it. It’s taken me many years. But with the help of a good partner, a great therapist and medication I have learned to quell some of my Anxiety Girl tendencies. I’ve learned to face my biggest fear, which is death. I face every day head on. I know that there are no guarantees in this world, so darlin’ if I wake up breathing, I’ve won half the battle. I believe my anxiety has made me love my life more. I’m kind of an adrenaline junkie now. It’s how you’re made and you are made well. Keep on being the Super Woman that you are!

    • One of my favorite Woody Allen lines – “death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down”..and I’ve made sure to keep moving since I heard it! 🙂 Seriously, good for you and your efforts to calm that inner voice down. I too have made some progress, though it would be disingenuous to suggest that at times, my super powers present themselves in full force at night when all is still. Thank you so much for writing..and for the props!! Perhaps tonight, I will leave the costume in the closet though. hugs, m

  6. Hello Anxiety Girl!
    Mims….I love this, brilliant, humorous, insightful. I love this, even if I don’t love that you worry yourself to bits. You are my super hero and what you forgot to mention is your SuperFriend super power. You are no ordinary woman and that is exactly why I love you, even if I wish your pre-dawn hours were not spent troubling so many ails. Oh, and I have to know, what color is your cape, and do you accessorize? xoxo me

    • Hi my Super Friend..you need a costume too…Let’s see my tights are dark blue (more slimming you know than aqua or teal)….my cape though is yellow…So happy you liked this!! xoxo, m

  7. Now it sure takes some super hero skills to add all that mirth and sunshine into that post! I’m grinning like a chipmunk. Thank you for making everyday miracles something we can all embrace with a grin. Thanks for letting us in on them super powers Mimi. Hugs xx Sharon

  8. Got me at the title. And never let go. Your “Post of the Year.”

    “As the sun begins its descent in the western sky, my synapses begin to fire with a fervency that is hard to control and my breathing accelerates.”

    – Yours Truly, Anxiety Boy

    • Dear Anxiety Boy,
      I’m so glad to have your company – and according to the Super Power Party, you don’t have to wear the tights when we go forth to save the universe from worry. But you do have to wear the cape.
      ps. I think you liked this one the best, ’cause you’re Anxiety Boy and can now reveal your hidden identity. 🙂

  9. It’s so nice to realise that other people suffer from OCD/Anxiety too! It can be such a lonely condition, but it always helps to know you’re not a total psychopath… Thank you for making me laugh!

  10. I think that this is a by-product of having an active mind and always wanting to be doing something. Night-time therefore seems like a waste of time and whirring round in the head are all the things one could be doing. I have learned to deal with this problem by cutting back my night-time hours and allowing myself more ‘doing hours’. Inside of ‘worrying’ overnight, if there is something on my mind, I actually get up, write letters, research or whatever it is I am fretting about, then go back to bed. It splits my sleep in two, but the anxiety drops to zero. And what is the point of having restless worrying sleep, I may as well be doing something.

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