Before The Sun Rises

Hi Deb,

You have helped me through these last few weeks more than you know.  And my gratitude is inestimable.  Thank you for understanding that new chapters are exciting and daunting, bold and frightening, hopeful and rife with doubt.  That I swing between these extremes from one minute to the next, like the proverbial cradle in a treetop.  A precarious position from which to observe one’s days, let me tell you.  Have I snuggled in yet?  Hardly.  Right now I feel like I’m invisible in my own life.  My son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter know me, her family has welcomed me warmly.  And that’s all I know.

And that’s all who know me.  Well, my neighbor Mike – who has graciously welcomed the Sirs, despite Archie’s early morning sun salutations that arguably could wake the neighborhood.  Poor guy, he spent his life with acreage separating him from the rest of the world, so he and Bogey could greet the day with unbridled enthusiasm and only risk the ire of some late-rising birds.  He really doesn’t understand why I’m telling him to ‘shhhh’ at 5:00AM.  I’d like to know that someone knows I’m here, but not necessarily because my dogs insist on it.

Because of my geographical challenges, Andy keeps encouraging me to purposefully get lost each day and find my way back to home base.  Funny guy – his rationalization for my GPS not being updated, I guess.  I’m lost already – and I’m sitting at the kitchen table!  Oh, and did I tell you how I took out my side view mirror as I backed out of the new garage?  Yup – thought I saw a snake (it was an extension cord).  And you wonder about my hesitation to just go?  I’m intrepid in my imagination – it’s safer.

Ah well…life transitions.  I’ve never been good with them as you know, though I’m damn lucky that they happen despite my reluctance.  Just when you feel like you’ve got one aspect of your life down, fate yells “Plot twist!”.  Children grow before you’re ready to let them go; newlyweds get used to each other and morph into something familiar, but different from that frenetic excitement; our inside age begins to disconnect from our outside appearance; life laps at the shore as we’re standing on the boardwalk wondering what the hell just happened while we were looking for the concession stand.  I keep looking at everyone else and wondering why I’m not getting my feet wet.

The truth is this is the perfect time to wade in – because no one knows me, because I am not really visible.  I can try anything I want and it will make no difference one way or the other.  But for the fact that I tried.  And that’s what I’m slowly starting to understand.  I spend so much time fretting over what I did or didn’t do, wondering if I’ve pissed someone off, what I could do to make a situation better – it’s kinda exhausting honestly.  And I don’t have any power other than to try to be a decent human being.  To love wholeheartedly and let go when asked, try and be a little nicer to myself as I haltingly begin to walk to the shore.

And so I circle back to you – and your loving reminder that I’m not untethered, that I belong even if I’m not sure at this point where I am.  Your refusal to let me deflect the conversation away from me (and we both know I’m pretty good at that).  Maybe it’s just knowing that you remind me I’m ok, that you’re my sister,  and when one is loved, precise coordinates aren’t necessary.

37 thoughts on “Before The Sun Rises

    • Some days are diamonds, some days are stones…and yes, either way, these are the days of miracles and wonder. Kleenex soon to be discarded.

  1. I love you, and you are tethered not just to me but to the many people – close to home and remote – who love you too. So party on, girl. Get those feet wet. Your fans all cheer you on.

  2. Thank you, friend, for sharing your letter for Deb. Your endlessly generous-hearted, often self-deprecating contemplation resonates with hundreds, probably thousands of us near and far. Hugs x

    • Ah Simon, I miss you…and the new house will have a place reserved for you and Jilly…with enough hot coffee, laughter and conversation to keep us going for hours…hugs, m

  3. Who needs a GPS? Get lost, ask for directions, and each time you do, you’ll tether to yet another spot. Never forget that you’re tethered to my heart, every minute of every day, no matter where you are. Soon enough, we will go exploring together in the land down under. By then, you will be an able navigatrix, and as always, my favorite companion in and out of the car. I love you sweetie.

  4. There are those of us who have never met you, but love you for who you are and what you share with us. Just know that starting a new life is like the butterfly as it exits the chrysalis and its wings begin to unfold. Life soon becomes a colorful and joyous experience. Happy for yours!

  5. “Plot twist!”
    Maybe if I could accept that I am not in control, I could more often see the plot twists as adventures and challenges rather than dire emergencies to muscle through.

  6. Your letter reminds me of my first out of state move. I felt so lost. I had trouble finding my bearings. It all came in due time. Sometimes we are not patient enough. In the end it was one of my favorite places that I lived. It all takes time (and Kleenex). Thanks for sharing.

  7. Transported again. Loved: “Children grow before you’re ready to let them go; newlyweds get used to each other and morph into something familiar, but different from that frenetic excitement; our inside age begins to disconnect from our outside appearance; life laps at the shore as we’re standing on the boardwalk wondering what the hell just happened while we were looking for the concession stand. I keep looking at everyone else and wondering why I’m not getting my feet wet.”

  8. This was a wonderful read! As I told a friend recently, who is contemplating something which terrifies her, heed the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I’d add to that: Who cares what others think?
    We find our tethers where we need them.

  9. It’s one day at a time and as people are prone to say, “it’ll all get better in time.” Oh, and yes, the karma truck will arrive when it’s least expected. Stay well, dear lady.

    • Hi Val – and thank you…I know I’m going to find my way and will even look back upon these days of unsettledness as a good thing, a growing thing. I just need a little more patience and the ability to smile…

  10. May you feel the love from around the globe guiding your heart to ever-greater connections, and may your new adventures help you to discover more of the strength and courage within yourself.

  11. You somehow make it so wherever you are seems familiar to the rest of us. Warm. Welcoming. So if you can’t always look forward, and too often look back, take a moment to give it the old side eye. We’re all here!

    • That’s ’cause you know me and my strange voice my friend…but thank you, I’ll make it a point to take a side-long look…I needed that.xo

  12. I think in part this time in our lives came up so quickly there wasn’t time to read the rule book – even if one existed. Baby steps my friend. No doubt you will find your way. And, I can’t wait to meet the fam this summer. You just say “when” and I will book my flight. So many changes to share, some tears to shed and plenty of love and luck that got you here to celebrate. I miss you so.

  13. When you write about your changing relationships with your children, I see glimpses of me in the future. Thank you for showing a path.

    • And I look at your beautiful children and delight in your glorious love for them. They will always bring you joy – ok, maybe a little heartache too. But that’s love…😉

  14. Ack….So, so, so late to the table, but not ever for lack of love… I know that this has been an unsettling time for you honey, that place betwixt and between–unable to go back, unsure about moving forward, wondering where home is and when it became so damned elusive. Worrying that all that is known and precious and secure and familiar and comforting is adrift. But as Debbie so rightly noted, you are loved and watched over by many, here and in other realms. And the moment you feel yourself drifting, you must but reach out and know, with every fiber of your being, that someone will be there to catch you. I promise. All there is…. xoxox, l

    • You are always on time my friend…always..thank you thank thank you – for your generous spirit and love, your gentle reminders and for being there every step on the path…xoxox,m

  15. You have been on my mind for several months. I so miss you and want you to know you are loved by so many including myself. We are such kindred sprits. Be well my dear friend. Bill

    • Hi Bill, reading your words brought tears of gratitude and friendship to my eyes…indeed I believe we are kindred spirits – how lucky am I! More soon, but in the interim…thank you thank you my friend.

  16. Somehow I missed this, and so I read it today, after your newest post and somehow it impacts me more in the reverse order I believe – I think we are all so raw from so many pulls on us from so many directions – to find and have these tethers are precious. It leaves me with a gulp. You are one to me, and while days and weeks go by, that tether is in tact indeed. Your sister was right, there are so many near and far, here and wide who cherish you. You know you can count me among the crowd. xoxo

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