“Well, there is narcissism in all of us, of course. I mean we are the protagonists of our own lives, so naturally it feels like we’re at the wheel. But we’re not at the wheel. That just happens to be where the window is located” — Jean Marie Korelitz
I’ve been up at the mountain house since Sunday. It’s good to be back, though the first few days without any connectivity to the outside world was a little daunting. No phone service, no Internet. I thought that would be fine – and it was, except when the night encroached and I was reminded that I am a very little, inconsequential person in the great big scheme of things – and the mountains are a fairly imposing backdrop from which to consider this. What serendipity has brought me to this place in time. And yeah, there were occasionally shout-outs imploring the universe to keep me safe. So far, so good.
On some level it appalls me that silence can be unrequited, when it is so necessary and valuable. I’ve been struggling a lot of late with the outline of this next story line in my life (made even more difficult by the fact that I have yet to figure out what I want to be when I grow up). Itchy, out-of-sync, closing off more parts of me to see if I could get to the essence of what I want. The reality is I need this silence right now (though it is good to be able to converse with you again). With all the noise going on in my head, something had to force me to be still.
I have not arrived at any great conclusions, though I feel like I’m on the cusp of…something. And I’m feeling a bit less anxious about not being able to touch it. When you can’t avoid yourself, you have to figure out a way through the mild panic and self-deriding thoughts that circle around as a cyclone. Stepping outside myself to look inside and provide the reassurance that it’s ok. Let life carry me – for that is what it’s going to do anyway. What hubris to think that because I want answers now that I’m supposed to have them. They’re en route – like the spring.
I marvel that the buds on the trees, the flowers, etc are so insistent on blooming regardless of the temperature. They’re straining to burst forth, determined to honor their rightful time in the sun. A part of me wants them to be a bit more self-protective and wait until the temperature proves more accommodating. Another part of me is cheering them on, encouraging them to claim their rightful place. They’re going to bloom, in their time and on their schedule. I am learning a lot from them. The hide-and-seek exercise that transitions us from one season to the next, and the incoming season is always ‘it’. And always wins. So with this thought, I toy with a new season in my soul.
It’s all good. Learning to give myself a break, give myself permission to stare at the clouds, read a book in one sitting, make some tea and just savor. Savor my husband, my children (when they allow me), the cocoon I am ensconced in on top of this very large and imposing mountain. Make music in the silence and write a verse that has yet to be sung.
Waiting for the Karma Truck 
May what you experience during your adventure bring many smiles to your face and much joy to your heart, my friend.
Russ
Thank you Russ – it’s a good time to be a bit reflective and a little kinder to myself.
Why is it always so difficult to give ourselves a break? I know how you feel– wanting to move on, bloom like all the lovely Spring flowers, but still not sure which way to grow. Lovely thoughts here. Your perspective while on top of the world is encouraging to me.
I’m so glad these thoughts echoed with you…you’d think it would get a little easier to sort this stuff out as you get older. If anything it gets a little harder. But – we will get there! Of this, I have no doubt! Have a good day Ally Bean!
We sound like we are at a similar place but for much different reasons–your line “What hubris to think that because I want answers now that I’m supposed to have them. They’re en route – like the spring” rings so true to me–yet I have waited it seems a long time for some answers that may never come–it has been a very long and at times hard road–I hope you get your answers sooner than later–I have almost (but not quite) given up………..
Don’t give up LouAnn – I can relate to the long (and at times challenging) road..I can also relate to throwing up one’s hands in resignation. I guess I’m betting on the odds that we’re going to figure these things out, though arguably not on our schedule..
definitely not on our schedule or it would be done – ha ha (which is better than sobbing) – ❤
absolutely – far better to laugh..❤️
Ah! Life in transition. I know it well 🙂
The transitions are always the toughest, aren’t they Elizabeth? Once you get to wherever ‘next’ is, it’s so much better!
Yes, so true 🙂
Something is happening – I wasn’t sure if you meant generally or a specific catalyst. Care to share?
I suppose general – or a confluence of specific drivers – focusing my consulting efforts more towards 1:1 engagements (which I find more challenging and rewarding), amping up to turn sixty in a few short months, my husband recent 60th, time accelerating…I have a feeling you know the drill.. 😉
Enjoy your peace at the top of the world. There will be time to wrestle with yourself soon enough. Love James Taylor and this was one of my favorite songs when I was young. Still is.
Wait – we’re not young anymore? 😉 JT is ageless. And thank you Kate – I am a self-flaggelator from way back…
Creative folks like you and me NEED time to stare at the clouds and ruminate. 🙂
Oh Jonathan, I’m not sure I’m so creative – but time to ponder? Definitely. Thank you!
As usual, you sell yourself short. Don’t make the pondering pondersome—-you need it and ARE WORTH IT…EVERY MINUTE (OR HOUR)!!!! 🙂
🙂 Thank you thank you..
You are welcome…as always!
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
EVEN JAMES TAYLOR STOPS TO LOOK AT THE CLOUDS…AND VEGETATE…SOMETIMES! 🙂
Love this Mimi, I’m there with you. If I weren’t so insanely busy with getting my book completed, I’d be freaking out about what’s next. But as you say…”what hubris” and besides J.T. calms me instantly. Whatever is next will come and the anxiety, instead of hurrying the pace, stands in the way of it. Blessings, my friend.
You’re so right – about anxiety getting in the way of any movement. And I can only imagine how crazy busy you must be right now Wendy..but it’s going to be so worth it!!
From your mouth, Mimi!
Sweet, sweet friend, I’m ever so glad that you’ve given yourself permission to linger on the mountain where you can “turn down the volume” on your life a bit and listen to your heart. I know it’s been a bit bumpy of late, but this next chapter is gonna be a good one, I can feel it. It will be revealed in its time, and when it is, you’ll be ready ’cause you’ve taken the time to “lay the groundwork.” Love you so….
Come home Shane!!! 😉 It has been bumpy, as you know, but I too am optimistic that the next chapter – for both of us – is going to be awesome..Love you..xox
How you string the words and thoughts together is awe inspiring. Wispy clouds on a clear blue sky. Magic.
You are a skosh biased and a lot kind..
Ha! Ah yes. You are a hobgoblin of consistency.
Hey, wait a minute – How did I go from being a little buddha to a hobgoblin??? 😉
What David said.
Laughing…xox
The first part, about magic. Not the hobgoblin!! 🙂
I was HOPING that’s what you meant… 😉 xo
Like you had to GUESS?!? 🙂
Smiling – not really… 🙂
i am happy for your open approach to the turning of a page in your life. any may you find what you sought but didn’t know you were looking for on the very next page.
Thank you Beth – it’s bound to be a surprise, but I’m optimistic that as long as I remind myself to enjoy the story, it’ll be a happy surprise.
I find it hard to give myself a break
me too
I love listening to you think, Mimi! You echo what I would say if I were so eloquent. Wishing you well in your search for the next chapter. It’s going to be a good one 🙂
Hi Liz!! So far, so good – so I’m more hopeful than wary (she says with fingers crossed and a quick shout out to the universe)…xox
What a wonderful post, Mimi, and I really understand ‘the cusp’. Much love, Juliex
Thanks Julie!!! Thinking of you lots these days and hoping you’re doing well..xo
Thanks Mimi – a bit down at the moment but will be okay soon! Jx
I have no doubt you will, tho’ I’m sorry that you’re feeling blue even for a minute. xom
May you find exquisite peace within and may you blossom with the flowers of the coming Spring.xo
hi my darling mims i really hope you find some of the answers you are looking for and i hope you will find some inner peace, and tranquility, remember my adored friend that you ARE worth it, all the good stuff; your wonderful family etc you are deserving of it all, and it’s good to appreciate as i know you always do, but also it’s good sometimes to just feel good about and within yourself it will do you good, i sometimes think you are like me in that you are a devotional person our greatest satisfaction is in making others happy we live for that joyous smile when we have found the perfect present or that moment when you know you helped by being there supportive and loving, and it is important you now take this time to just be, to just relax and be quiet and calm, i find meditation helps enormously as it forces me to stop thinking about everyone else and all the things our lives throw at us, or another fave of mine is simply listening to the birds wake up with them and listening to them sing the morning in, sometimes it is important to just sit and drink in the surrounding nature closing off the different departments of your mind one by one until there is no worry, anxious feeling, no thinking we should be getting on with something,
i do feel this year to be a good and i am glad you feel excited by what may come, but to know that right now in your oasis on the top of a mountain i would wish for you a warm pool of contentment, of loving waves gentle easing away the stress, pamper yourself, my beautiful friend be self indulgent you deserve it!
you have achieved so much my gorgeous friend and you are a constant inspiration and guiding light to me, you gave me strength, friendship, kindness and confidence, and i would give anything i could back to you, how much i would give to have you find an inner peace and a truly relaxing moment, i would give everything i had and more
enjoy and immerse in every second
for you are worth it mims
you deserve it.
love you always
xx
Ah Kizzy, I’ve had a hard time reading this for the tears sorta got in the way. Your words feel so from your gorgeous heart and I take them to mine with gratitude and love. I will heed your words and hold them close – as I hold you…xox
I love this post, and now that I am into my own comment box, I am suddenly stumped – you have this way with words, ya know, how you get in that middle layer ? I don’t have a lot of words that hang out there, it’s all feeling. It gives me that feeling of – of how one second water is water and one degree later, it’s boiling. How, one person can come along and change our lives for the better when we didn’t even know them yesterday. On the cusp…of something. Yes. But, you are amazing on this side of that cusp too.
And you have captured something universal, in my humble opinion, with this: “…when you can’t avoid yourself, you have to figure out a way through the mild panic and self-deriding thoughts that circle around as a cyclone.”
xoxox
If nothing is really left to chance, and the universe does its thing as it will do, then being in each other’s life makes me feel like maybe we’re doing something okay after all. I guess it’s better to feel like one is on the cusp of something, as opposed to circling some vast abyss, yes? And with friends like you, I always feel like it’s the former. Thank you for that and so much more..xo
Mimi, I am dealing with the same struggle these days when it comes to wanting to share my thoughts without all these little hiccups,
which by the way has me thinking that the universe has started drinking 🙂
You took the words right out of my mouth or my head for that matter,
(of course you always have a much more eloquent way of getting to the point)
but I Thank You for sharing.
Makes me feel like I am not alone and at the same time a little more inspired!
You’re the only person I know that can write about NOT being able to write
and have us all in complete AWE at the same time.
You Rock my friend!
Luv and Light always 🙂
Ah Kimmie, Thank you – though I think we all go through these itchy, frustrating periods when we stop and start and stop and start – and honestly, I think you articulate that as well as I do if not better. You always strike a chord – and it’s never ever flat! xo, m
So true as I am slowly learning and those sweet words coming from you is a HUGE compliment!
Thank You my friend!
Luv and Light always
Carry On 🙂
I can’t always get to a mountain to do much needed reflective thinking. What I do sometimes is look straight up at the clouds, trying not to see anything with my peripheral vision, only the clouds then I make pretend I’m on a sailboat (can’t always get to one of those either, though my 78 year-old-mom just got a kayak) and I play the song – Cool Change (Little River Band) in my head and I listen closely to the lyrics.
I’m glad you’re giving yourself the chance to breathe in a different atmosphere. It sounds as if you’re getting closer to a new touchstone. Thinking out new possibilities always takes time and not necessarily the time we want it to take –
Wishing you all the best
AnnMarie 🙂
Hi AnnMarie,
I love the way you can transform your physical space into a sea of clouds upon which you can sail away. I know the chorus of “Cool Change” well – have to think about the lyrics, but the image in its entirety is so evocative. I appreciate your understanding – new thoughts take time, new approaches too and if I’m fortunate it will all result in a ‘cool change’. Thank you.. 😉
Mind travel is much more affordable than the alternative 🙂
I hope you’re are beginning to find level ground to place your feet for the next journey. I think one of life’s ironies is sometimes we need rocky terrain to help us find smooth footing again. I wish you peace on your journey.
AnnMarie 🙂
no worries…