In the Jewish religion, the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are called the ‘days of awe’. The hope is that as the Book Of Life is opened at the beginning of the Jewish New Year, we will be inscribed in it again when the book is closed. In other words, it would be a good idea to do a lot of apologizing (sincerely), and spend some time in self-reflection.
In the past, I have posted a global ‘I’m sorry’ in FB or Instagram – hoping that anyone I’ve hurt is willing to accept such a blanket apology, Somehow I don’t think that’s what G-d had in mind. It seems to be that Judeo-Christian religions offer us an out – recognizing that genuine sorrow for our less than gracious actions may be absolved if our repentance is sincere. That’s where I feel like I’m trying to wrestle in a spider web. Aren’t apologies for behavior we may or may not remember a bit less than heartfelt?
We all can admit to being unkind, selfish, duplicitous. We have unintentionally disrespected our relatives and friends, played cavalierly with our planet, offered up some really righteous indignation, etc. And this is the sticky part of the web – if one is unable to admit such thoughtless behavior in the moment and/or to the person who was the unfortunate recipient – then what are we apologizing for and to whom? (Yes, it’s me in the web trying to free at least one limb)
So I’m thinking about the act of contrition. Maybe it isn’t about the aggrieved person or people. Maybe it is what changes within us when we are genuinely rueful. Perhaps regret genuinely felt, alters our self-perception. Brene Brown suggests “you either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness”. And there’s the nexus – the point where we truly own our stuff – and in doing so, understand contrition in a different way.
“These are the days of miracle and wonder; This is the long distance call…” (Paul Simon). These are awe-inspiring days and I’m trying to own my stuff, including the less-than-pleasant moments. A little self-reflection does more for the soul, than blanket apologies. And it is in that ownership I think, that one can truly say “I’m so very sorry”
Waiting for the Karma Truck 
I agree totally.
Thank you dear friend…
I liked this, I am able to say sorry when needed and to accept forgiveness when it is offered without wondering why someone decided to say sorry as if they have to have an alternative reason they don’t
Thank you Joanne!
Well said!
Thank you, Kate!
I have spent a lifetime saying sorry as a reflex. To be more intentional is so much better. Hopefully I can change my habit.
And yet another reason why we’re friends! I too am very quick with ‘I’m sorry’ if it will de-escalate the situation, or cool the ‘heat’. Of course the consequences of such efforts to pacify are pretty lousy – we don’t stand up for what we believe, we appear glib or trite, apologizes become hyperbole instead of something sincerely understood and offered. Definitely fodder for our next lunch..Thank you for your thoughts…and friendship of course…
“I’m trying to own my stuff, including the less-than-pleasant moments” Yes Mimi. Yes.
Thank you, Dave
Well said Mimi and I very much agree 🙏🏻
Thank you Tina – i think the ownership part is the most difficult to accept – and then doing something about it (probably a separate blog post, you think?🥴)
Yes most certainly a separate post😊
“Maybe it isn’t about the aggrieved person or people. Maybe it is what changes within us when we are genuinely rueful.” Yes! Have spent far too much time in my life looking outward in some form or fashion. Finally realizing that the person who needs the work and the forgiveness and the love has been staring back at me all along.
As always, your insights are a gift, dear friend. Love you so….
I had a feeling this was going to complement the ‘a ha’ moments you’ve felt lately..Friendship is the gift – believe me – it’s a two way gift. Love you right back…
I so agree. one thing that has helped me is to come to the realization that I did the best that I was able to do at the time, in most cases. not an excuse, but a reality.
I’m right there with you, Beth – yet, if I know in my gut, that it wasn’t my best, that I was definitely not thinking of the person or situation, I think a full throated apology is needed. Before I retired the people I worked with put a post-it on their computer asking “who is it for”. And to me that is the first step in engaging people in word and deed. If it’s for me – ok; but if it’s for them – one can respond intentionally. It’s a bit simplistic, but I followed that rule of thumb for all my interactions – I got it right a lot of the time; and got it wrong too.
I like that
I very much agree with Brené Brown… and with Lori and Beth and you! Once you have sincerely apologized to the hurt party(ies), you’ve owned your part. Now the hard part is to forgive yourself and let it go…
Hi Dale – your point is spot on – if we own it, it’s our responsibility to let it go. We hold so much historic ‘wrongs’ – and arguably they’re well passed their expiration date. Letting it go and doing so warmly is the next challenge…
Holding on to it just turns us into a Sisyphus or a Rodrigo Mendoza (The Mission), carrying needless weight around.
Preach, Dale!!! And frankly, there are far more complicated issues that we keep pushing up the hill, only to watch them slide back..(just keeping with the analogy to Sisyphus – not sure who Rodrigo Mendoza is, but if it works for him too then so be it!😊
In the movie The Mission Mendoza (DeNiro) drags all his armour up to a mission – quite a terrible climb – as penance for his sins. So self-inflicted unlike Sisyphus. 😀
A good indication I have found to test if we have truly forgiven ourselves and others over the years? Is to simply ask, ‘How much attention and energy do I continue to place on this story long after the experience has gone?’
Great post Mimi. 💕
Thanks Karen! Great question – and also a leading one to check into our responses to circumstances generally. When my kids were in their angst-driven adolescence, we had to choose which battles were worth the emotional investment. Andy tended to get far more exorcised than me. Ultimately, I’d ask him (and anyone else who was in the throes of irritation) “is this going to matter to you in five years? If your answer is ‘yes’, then I’ll share in your anger. If the answer is ‘no’, then talk to the hand and move on”. And I swear, the two questions I’d ask were the only ones I’d pose, for anything that further fomented the situation was precisely what I wanted to mitigate and/or diffuse.
Yes that’s great. ‘Talk to the hand and move on’ is a household statement! 🧡
Thank you.
You’re so welcome…thank you for stopping by!
Thank you for sharing this inspiring message.
Thank you so much!!