life lessons

Angry, Grateful & Profoundly Confused

Hi my friend,

I am acutely aware that we live with one emotional paradox after another – really I’m on it..

No, I’m not.

A quick comment about what I’m writing about – you don’t have to agree with me – I’ll love you anyway – but please limit your comments to those without a lot of snark. I’m barely handling the cacophony in my head and you could upend that delicate balance easily.

I wake each morning, with a quiet ‘thank you’ for the return of my soul into my very flawed body. I am grateful for this flawed body and recognize with a bit of ambivalence, that this is the only one I’ve got, so no pity parties (most of the time).

I celebrate spring – the smell of fresh grass, the awakening of flowers with their timid entrance before they burst with delight. Yesterday my granddaughter and I tried our best to grab some rain on our tongues – grateful; my other granddaughter FaceTimes with silly filters that turn her beautiful face into cats, puppies, unicorns and some really bizarre stuff – we laugh a lot – grateful.

Moments with my sons – again, beyond grateful – they are my heart and soul. Andy is still my anchor and rarely pulls on the string to bring me back, knowing that my flight path is different from his. He accepts the sneakers in the garage, placed there in case I have to run. It is true that after 30+ years, they’re looking a little frayed; I’ve never put them on.

Ok, arguably an attenuated picture, but you get the point. I spend a great deal of time tempering my anger with these reminders.

I am beyond disgusted with this country. This country which provided my mother safe harbor. This country where the first song ever sang in public school glee club was the music to Emma Lazarus’ ‘Give me your tired, your poor…’. The metastasis of hate that is quickly becoming too invasive to resolve with customary forms of treatment. This week the college in my town had to address racist and anti-Semitic graffiti plastered in public places. WTF?? Unconscious bias no longer is particularly relevant since all the prejudice is out there for all to see. My granddaughters will have fewer rights than me. I feel like I’m in a passionate minority of people who intrinsically want to restore what little social advances we have made. Basically, I want to bring flowers to a shoot out. Is there a branch of government that isn’t so politicized that they can lay claim to sincerely being ‘for the people’?

I’m done – believe me, I could go on. And on.

“He took of his fleece jacket, and then I saw his t-shirt. It said, ‘Fuck your feelings’ superimposed over an image of a big ram’s head. The ram had become the unofficial mascot for the confederates who were always complaining about people like me being sheep – which was weird, because a ram is a sheep.” – Christine Grillo (“Hestia Strikes A Match)

It’s a beautiful morning here; and we will have rain in the afternoon. There is no better way to end this musing. Be well and take good care, we’ll talk soon.


31 thoughts on “Angry, Grateful & Profoundly Confused”

  1. “I celebrate spring – the smell of fresh grass, the awakening of flowers with their timid entrance before they burst with delight.”

    And your honesty, as ever, is as welcome as the persistent song of a bird outside my window here in Edinburgh. The bird doesn’t appear to argue with any of the anger, gratitude or confusion that you have so articulated so well, for so many of us – all around the world – but the song! – the song soars and seems to rise above it all – perhaps its little heart is confident of better days ahead?

    “🎶 I celebrate spring – the smell of fresh grass, the awakening of flowers with their timid entrance before they burst with delight 🎶”

    Thank you, dear Mimi, for a new song for a rainy afternoon … which will lead on to a new dawn.

    Thank you 🙏 – for your feelings 🤗xx

    1. Ah Simon – you have the heart and the perspective that puts music in my head where strident percussion was all I heard. Thank you – for your friendship as always…xx

  2. We’ll said. I hang on to the hope that the more disgusting and outrageous behavior we see from the Republicans the more likely the political pendulum will begin to swing the other way.

  3. I feel your feelings, Mim. Sometimes I’m so glad my parents aren’t still around to see the place our wonderful country has become. How can this be? OK. I’ll hug those dear to me, including a new baby coming at the end of June, and just keep moving forward. Hugs. Joan

    Sent from my iPad

    1. Hi Joanie – I hear you regarding what our parents would think of this new world order – it resembles the worst of government structures. I hope this is a pendulum that swings back, though I wonder if we haven’t gone so far afield that it isn’t similar to the actions of a metronome. Mazel tov Grammy – another light and another life!! That’s awesome news!! Hugs, Mimi

  4. I concur 1000% Mims – absolutely disgusted by this weird, angry, hateful, controlling faction that seems determined to burn it all down. Glad my WWII era folks are not here to witness dad would harmonize (as do I) with your reasoning WTF!?!? Love you for vocalizing this xo

    1. Hi BonBon – so happy to see your name – and not surprised that we would agree…I think of my mom’s love of this country – it was passionate and reflected such a fierce loyalty…the America that our fathers defended – there are no words…and yet I know you know…sending love, as always..

  5. No matter the specific musing, I am always so grateful to know my dear First NOVA Friend is still in the land of the living. I’m praying for peace and hope to wrap you in a gentle embrace.Grateful love Carrie

    1. Carrie!! How often I have thought about you, your beautiful family and what you’re up to! Thank you so much for sending one of your sensational hugs! I hope you are well, and offering up your loving grace to everyone who has the benefit of meeting you. I miss our sushi lunches! Sending you love always

    1. Yup, my friend – and the disillusionment goes deep – somewhere dark with air so thick, it’s impossible to see. I keep looking for the person with night vision glasses who can chart an exit path.

  6. As a Canadian with an American beau, I feel you. He, too, is discouraged by all the hate. You are not alone in your feelings and anger. While it might be hard to focus on the beautiful, that is what must be done. Like Simon said (hah!) sing those words heralding the beauty of spring!

    1. Thank you Dale – I know I’m not alone, and I am heartened by the number of people who feel similarly. And that concerns me too, for I don’t think we know how to fight these extremes. We the people who chanted ‘make love, not war’ and grew into adults with the desire for everyone to just get along – we don’t know how to combat this hate. Somehow, sticking a flower into the barrel of a gun, isn’t sufficient. As an aside, our youngest went to McGill and went back to Canada after grad school. He now has dual citizenship, and though he is clear-eyed about both countries, it is in Toronto where he is the most comfortable (and, his girlfriend is there too – I’m sure that may have something to do with it…😉

      1. I get that peace-lovers would not know how to fight. How lovely your youngest came to McGill. Lovely he has dual-citizenship. Too bad he chose Toronto over Montreal 😉 I tease. I’m sure the girlfriend helps with the comfort level!!

  7. Ahhh, sweet friend, you channel my feelings so aptly. Have always viewed myself as an optimist, but of late, man, the struggle is real. So much vitriol, so much self-righteousness, so many sycophants, so many unwilling to listen, and way too many too willing to talk. Ugh. I turn to Mother Nature, the animals and dear friends more and more. And sadly, despite myself, I turn inward, desperate to escape the drumbeat. Love you, my friend, as you come bearing light… xoxo

    1. I think optimism is a reach, honey – but hope – hope is always needed, and i know you well enough to know that there is always hope within you..Disillusionment seems to be its corollary I know…and that’s when we reach out to nature, those we love, etc…and you are surrounded by love ..xox

  8. Only contradiction brings understanding and changing. That’s actually the basis of scientific thinking. The one who avoids arguments stays stupid. That’s obvious, isn’t it?
    By the way, I got a post-graduate scholarship at the McGill and taught later in epistemology. But that’s quite some years ago. I hope your youngest loves it there like I did.
    All the best
    Klausbernd 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your comments…I agree that the destiny for one who never questions, spends a lifetime in ambivalence and uncertainty. I also feel that arguing with extremism is confounding; arguably this position eschews conversation and dialogue. And yes, our son loved McGill and is happily ensconced in Toronto…

  9. Thank you for sharing your pain, disappointment, and anger, Mimi. May the darkness of hate be shattered, letting the light, love, and beauty, shine through to warm even the coldest hearts.

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