I’m trying to find the better part of me, and when I engage in such challenging activity, I am always tempted to talk to you. You see me as better than I am. The truth of the matter is, you see everyone and every situation bathed in a light that softens the edges, mutes the glare, blesses the spirit. (If you don’t believe me, check out his blog windinmywheels.com – there’s just something about my friend Simon).
People spent their snowbound days differently. Just as the snow began, we were meeting with a stager – a very talented woman who claims the professional mission of depersonalizing a home and transforming it into a space that others could love. So, I have been packing and purging – nauseous and angry and and considering everything except the pictures of my family (in all its iterations) dispensable. I’m not convinced I’m ever going to feel that sensation of ‘home’ again.
And yet you reminded me that ‘home’ has a far, far different meaning than I ascribe. Your quote “Home is where your heart is. It is your resting place” – my heart is everywhere, Simon. It feels both full and far too diffuse. It hurts. And as stupid as it sounds, home could be anywhere (and has been, believe me) I felt my family around me. And though we will find a place to rent here and a place there, I am less and less tethered. Is love what keeps one from floating away? I have no idea. Clearly if one were to determine what ‘element’ I am, it isn’t air…
So how does this all connect – bear with me. Our first dog was a little schnauzer named Demi (hybrid of my sister’s name and mine). I loved that pup as only a child can (though I think the person who truly adored Demi was our dad – they even looked a bit alike). Yet, when I was told that I needed to ‘share’ him with my sister, my response was to tell my parents that she could have him. I didn’t want him anymore. A lie of course, indignant and self-defeating without question. If I loved him so much and had to let go of him a bit, I would let go of him completely. Just so you know – we shared Demi, loved him and his nuttiness and there’s no unhappy ending.
And here I am today – plowing through closets and rooms that held the people I love in various stages of growing up (which include some moments that one might want to forget) and railing – ‘Take it all. Give it all away – none of it means anything to anyone but me anyway’. Hmmm…similar reaction to sharing that little dog all those years ago.
I guess I go to extremes, huh?
And yet my friend, if I want to extend a little kindness to myself, I could just admit that sometimes it’s hard to love – family, home, memories. It’s hard to let go and harder still to trust. It’s hard to be understood by the people who you think would get it, and then you are given the chance to cry with relief for the friends who do. And that brings me back to writing you. Thank you, Simon. Thank you for being so selfless that from across the pond, you sat with me for awhile. You let me go first as we sat and talked. And you nodded and smiled. And in that moment, I felt blessed. Wherever I go, I will remember being there with you and perhaps I will rail a little less and relish a little more…
Much love to you and Jilly,